DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

right in the childhood? i know, i know, i'm sorry, but i warned you...




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SSS: OLD RECIPE

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above on their cool logo for #2 of 4 of the Triforce thing. connect the dots, la la la la...



RECIPE FOR HAPPINESS

1/2 cup don't know
1/2 cup need to know but can't find the answer
1/2 cup knowing that i'll never know

sprinkle in some purpose, not too much or it spoils the happiness broth; purpose is a secret ingredient that even the chef doesn't know the flavor of

a hint of thyme and time, you always need time to complete the tasks, time is more of a commodity than money

a sanctuary to prepare a side dish all alone, in privacy, privacy for you and i to feel with and play with my hard erect throbbing juicy wet penis, all long, as long as a ten-foot pole, i don't want to know if i'm dreaming, you wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole, but i do, stroking and masturbating in peace

time to spice up the dish: may i touch your breasts? may i lay on your large tits, lay my worldweary head? thank you, i need to rest from this crazy world, i need to lie in repose on your body and feel the togetherness of two as one, head on huge pillows, stroking them, fondling them, sucking them, circling the nipples, tasting the broth of life

and then round the dish out with a heaping tablespoon of Reader's Digest

a rounded teaspoon of Jeopardy! to keep up the illusion that if i can answer pop questions in the form of a question i am somehow smart

a smattering of Oprah's Favorite Things, not too much or it becomes a drug which replaces love

dip in a glaze of religion, for color more than anything, color more than substance

and mix all ingredients in a large oversize wooden bowl full of splinters. if you prick yourself and get cut, a little blood won't hurt the broth, but many cooks will. besides, being a prick, it fits.

oh, forgot the final ingredient that melds it all together into one dynamic life-force plate of energy, not an oven, not a microwave, but pure

ELECTRICITY, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK





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TMIT: HOT FOR THERAPIST

MOUTH UPDATE: the lower left quadrant hurts like fuck. it seems to be gums, not the teeth. either way, i want the pain to end. i don't care about appearances, no more gold teeth, i just need the damn thing suctioned off forever. whatever you have to do, doc: gel, antibiotics, root-canalling my entire mouth, i'd rather have a hollow mouth and no pain than a bunch of pearly whites and pain. i don't mind Pein from Naruto, but not pain. damn jaw. damn wintry cold weather. damn the torpedoes. drill in my mouth like a torpedo, i want something else in my mouth...

1. did any teachers at your high school have sex with a student? did any student act out on their teacher crush? i was waiting for it, we all were, it was a Catholic school after all. not any that i knew about, but you have to remember, back then, i was only paying attention to the fact that i was turning into a beetle.

y'know, there was one hot-as-fuck teacher that i remember, i had a crush on her, but it was more that i was part of the Collective Crush that all the boys in an all-boys religious school would have on an attractive babe of a teacher who showed leg and lowered the curve all the time.

2. did any of your college (or any post-high school) professors have sex with or other inappropriate relationship with a student? my first semester, freshman year, i was feeling homesick...let's just say i happened to get straight As that semester...let's just leave it at that...oh Mrs. P, Mrs. P, the history you taught me, your husband and everything, i know, but...Mrs. P, i WAS expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

i confessed to the affair to my college guidance counselor, which is like a high-school guidance counselor but effective. she said she'd keep everything confidential but only if i'd sleep with her. she was hot so i agreed. i don't know, she had those Princess Leia hair buns and she did that cute little thing with her nose, scrunched it up when she feigned annoyance, so that got me. best piece of blackmail i've ever received, best mail i've ever received period, including spam and bills. she turned out to be Mrs. P's sister. i dropped out of college before the shit went down...oh Mrs. P...

3. have any of your co-workers had an affair with a fellow co-worker? i don't work, i'm just waiting to die.

4. have you seen any hanky-panky between members of a club or church you belong to? shhh, you didn't hear this from me, shhhh, *whisper voice*, but...um...those atheists who play bingo every Sunday down the street at the old abandoned mine...they're not playing bingo if you catch my drift...*heehehhhe, shut up, shut up *slap on shoulder*, quiet, remember?!, quiet...they're actually playing Pocket Wheel of Fortune with anal.

5. have you ever had a friend keep you up-to-date on his/her marital infidelities? have you ever had a friend: you lost me after that.

one time, some random dude called me up on my landline telephone and said in a whisper voice: "the password is CUM IN MOUTH." i guess that's the same thing, that's what you're talking about, right?

bonus: have you caught someone you knew out with a person who wasn't his/her regular partner? yes, i was so disappointed, i sent him right away to get some help from a professional, a nice bald man who squiggled all the time and spoke in a soft, joking, deadpan voice...that's a Dr. Katz reference in case you...yeah...PIC 1 FROM UP TOP THERE...

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MAGIC HOLE

i am on a quest. my ancient forefathers spoke in the dusty tomes about a particular Magic Hole. every man yearns to find this magic hole, every man is not complete in his life without it. the Hole comes to him in his dreams, it comes, it comes on hard, full force, in a roaring, torrential gusher. each man is ultimately an adventurer. in true Joseph Campbell archetypal fashion, each man must make his mark on the world through a hero quest, a long hard arduous journey to find this elusive paradise. once found, the man simply slides into it and as the legend goes: he will find a new perspective on things, and all of his problems will be solved...

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

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SSS: THE RIFF WHICH ELEVATED THE RIFF-RAFF

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click on their logo above to crank out the new series with metal fury. the 3 dots on my chest are natural and form the Triforce, but what's within this Triforce? tune in each week to the series to find out and to make me happy that you're constantly ogling my chest.




always exhausted, but you know all that. plopped on the couch bed in my room was the tv flickering on or off? or was i coming out of a dream? or the dream within a dream. all of a sudden i'm watching Japanizi: Going, Going, Gong! at first i was like "da fuk?" but then i was all "okay, i get it, it's pretty clever actually, pretty well-done" and i went back to snore to wake up in the dream world. huge-ass bowl of nondescript vanilla ice cream. it's morning, time for my night shower. i shaved my head yesterday, my frizzy head of hair was getting into weeds territory, and yet when i do finally do the deed, there's not much hair on the white floor, just scraps, little bits of scraggly pieces, i'm wondering if i could wait to do it once every two months, or perhaps never shave it again, let it grow out forever until i get that nasty scruffy beard instead of that beautiful long flowing beard the other monks have, that will prevent me from fulfilling my destiny and by destiny i mean monastic destiny and by the deed i mean living. i will go on living forever because i'm in a box praying and because my beard will grow forever until it touches the white floor of realization and stops. after the bath, i forgot to bring new boxer shorts in with me, should i just go commando the rest of the day? no, i have things to do tonight: go to the bathroom, take a bath, the deed. i don't want to fall asleep, because it's always the same painful thing: a new million-dollar guitar riff pops into my head, it plays around in my head in a perfect symphony, its harmony is precise, its ringing is clear, and the most important thing, it's an original song. then i wake up and forget it, and my dreams of being the next Billy Corgan are dashed. if only i could remember those riffs, i need a tape recorder by my bed, i need a tape recorder in my head, one day i will remember the riff, i will remember it, i will remember my wasted life, i will churn out an original song that competes with the likes of

THIS, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

deed: replace one of the e's with an a and you get dead.




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TMIT: DID YOU KNOW THAT COFFEE COMES FROM SATAN?

1. you cut your sandwich along the diagonal, forming two triangles. do you eat the point or the hypotenuse? i'm an English major, so hypotenuses (hypotenii?) scare me. Mommy, it'll hurt if i swallow...

2. dipping a tortilla chip: do you dip the tip or the side of the chip as you scoop and take in the jams? "dip the tip" sounds so naughty, i'll try that. my jam is still "Toy Soldiers" but i also like "Go" from Pearl Jam, gets me riled up better than coffee. be like Seinfeld from Seinfeld: never double-dip the chip. be like Light from Death Note: take a potato chip...and eat it!

3. are you a coffee addict? how much of the sweet dark goodness do you imbibe daily? how much is a "cup" of coffe in your estimation? see PIC 1 from the top...i mean, PIC 14 from the top...or PIC 1 from the bottom...that's how much i eat.

4. do you take cream in your tea? how many sugars? i only drink mondo iced tea, brah, it's my duel fuel when i'm out on the waves, brah, fermented on secret farms on a secret island in the middle of the secret sea, brah. one time a surf punk came up to me on his surfboard while the both of us were on a killer wave and said, "hey, brah, have a little tea with your sugar!" then he laughed for an hour. i felt so bad about my brah self. i do eat too much sugar, and one day i'm gonna die...then where will i be?...in The Great Ocean In The Sky?...no, brah, just dead.

5. how do you eat a burrito? pick up with hands, bite an end/ cut in half, eat half/ fork and knife/ open tortilla, eat the inside contents, eat tortilla last:

STEP 1: GO TO CHIPOTLE.

STEP 2: BLEED.

actually, though, i did used to do that when i was a kid, eat the insides first and save the tortilla for last, that tortilla which would be imbued with all the flavor of the lettuce and the tomatoes and the meat and the sauce. we used to be able to eat outside at Taco Bell, the tables and bolted-on chairs were still clean enough, and the big black dogs didn't jump over the thin tin fence and chase after you all around the street for your chalupa.

6. pizza: how do you eat a slice and why? open slice/ fold it together, then bite/ fork and knife/ crust first, then rest of slice: just recently, Captain Jean-Luc Picard had pizza for the first time in his life, for the FIRST TIME! he's pretty old. he's awesome, but he's old. i found that remarkable, so i'll eat pizza any way my favorite Star Trek captain eats pizza. hey, that fold-together technique, that's a New York thing, right? or a Chicago thing? an L.A. thing? a surfer thing, right?

bonus: what is the weirdest thing that you are into? unpaid blogging...

bonus bonus: do you care if your different foods on a plate touch each other? what's that all about?! yeah, i know what you mean, i used to be that way when i was a kid. then i became a surfer and realized i was gonna die one day, so i let it all go. it doesn't really matter in the end, right? it all goes down to the same stomach, or stomachs if you have two. no matter how much you separate the runny eggs from the crisp bacon, it will end up an eggs-bacon smoothie in your stomach...i'm never eating eggs again...well, runny eggs anyway...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

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THE AFTER-PARTY

so, how was everyone's Samhain Party? everyone still with us? nobody died on your watch? me? i think i like my eggs fried rather than raw on my porch. i like toilet paper as much as the next cog, but it really does deserve to be on my tree, it adds that certain winter flocking to the tree, it's an early Christmas gift, and it saves me the chore of having to flock the tree come Festivus, so i thank you all. oh, and i think i've had my fill of Duck Dynasty costumes, that's already done. DuckTales forever is more like it.

as everyone in the Mobius strip knows, the after-party is the real party. that's when you collect the numbers, mingle, network, and find your wife...the one dressed as Catwoman over there...past the Duck Dynasty guy...no, the other Duck Dynasty guy...lady...

i make sure i'm ready to attack the after-party. i need to be fully recovered, fully sobered-up from all the "Halloween punch" i imbibed, and i must first delete all the pics that were taken at the party. with my online and real identities both intact, i can stroll into the room and be the center of attention. oh, yeah, but before anything, everyone clear out because i must first

USE THIS PRODUCT, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.

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SSS: THE PERFECTIONIST FALLS IN LOVE

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above to end it and to find out...it's a crooked Triforce of course...if you remember just one thing about me, remember my deep love of the Zelda universe.

this is a topography tribute to a post by my beautiful friend Cheeky Minx, THIS ONE, CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK. now that you're at Cheeky's blog, explore every single post, you won't be disappointed. she is wonderful hot talented sexy creative sexy gorgeous artistic with that camera curls like no other master of black-and-white sexy and did i mention drop-dead gorgeous sexy.





i have a dream

just the two of us

we made it because we tried

we glide through the world while others struggle

we fly across the mud

we know a secret only the two of us found out

we share it between us daily with our smiles at each other

watching the upcoming Ender's Game film wouldn't have been as sweet

without you by my side, holding hands

all sugary

drinks and popcorn

i can share my love of sci-fi and geeky things with you

and afterwards, we can fuck like porn stars

there is a word for a scene so glorious

a perfect word for the perfect vignette...

a perfect moment against the backdrop of a permanently imperfect world

i shoulda never been a perfectionist

but rather a projectionist

to film this most *something* instant of you and i

together against the imperfect world

that will never understand us

never get our movies and our nerd stuff

never buy into our perfect love

because it exists solely as a crack in the facade

our four hands hold up the facade

this is a fairytale, we glide upon pixie dust

except it is not a fairytale, this is real,

i'm holding your hand long ago when there was a movie theater here

i held your hand and felt the warmth of it,

and someone, someone out there was filming it all

and the facade we held up was his divine screen

so we could look back at it years later

and see that we mattered

because he had captured the moment on film

it lived forever

though we didn't live forever

that was such a beautiful day

it was CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.




a video-game commercial (what else?) led me to use this song. this was in my plans before...R.I.P. to The Master...






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TMIT: inb4 HAPPY HALLOWEEN! IT'S RAINING!

OBSERVATION #1: glancing at my youtube videos, i've noticed something about me that's very troubling that i never noticed before. my head is weird. it's a perfect oval shape. i look like one of those Easter Island heads. my head is the shape of a very large pill. Legends of the Hidden Temple on line one...

OBSERVATION #2: there was something wrong down there all weekend, i couldn't get comfortable down there. then it hit me: i must be wearing my boxer shorts backwards. so i took my monthly shower this morning to check: nope, they were on correctly, with the tag in the back. so...then...now i'm really worried.

OBSERVATION #3: IT'S RAINING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. how can you tell when your lover is close to orgasm? when she makes that face...she makes when she's laughing at my jokes...and my big head.

2. men: have you actually seen the G Spot? no, the G Spot is a myth, right? like God. hey: G Spot, God Spot...i think i'm onto something...

3. which is the most stimulating position? missionary/ woman on top, facing man/ doggy style/ other: it's this new position i invented called the parallel anal.

4. when you orgasm, are you: silent as a church mouse/ a bit of noise/ yell out at the top of your lungs? i express the noise of gratitude that this happened to me: it's akin to the sound of a church-house creeper...too many Bad Grandpa commercials swimming around in my oval head.

5. a lover orgasms WAY too prematurely. you still haven't gotten off. what to do? stop, or continue the play until you cum? i'm usually not on the other side of this. it's okay, we can stop, i'll do whatever my beautiful lover wants. i still have a hand i can go to later after lunch.

bonus: on average, when you masturbate, how long does it take you to reach orgasm? less than 3 minutes/ 3-5 minutes/ 5-10 minutes/ a year: i can't masturbate, my religion forbids it. that being said: half a second.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

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UNSTRONG

it's like it knows. my jaw started really hurting the day before i was to have my first dentist appointment in a looong time, first major one since the root canal. i had to cancel, money is scarce. money is actually nonexistent. also, i think the weather has something to do with all this. when it starts getting cold, the nerve fibers and secret holes that line the right side of my jaw where the canal was rooted all start to act up, pin up, and announce their pain. it fucking hurts. remembering back, yeah, i finally had that first oral surgery i keep yammering on about during Christmastime, it was during the cold. i hate the cold now. no, that's not true, the cold is still a temporary nuisance. i'd still rather be frozen alive than burned alive. i still hate the sun like any South Park Goth Kid worth his salt should.

anyway, speaking of the cold and the Fortress of Solitude,

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK,

and in the comments, talk about how Superman has impacted your life.

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