Monday, November 11, 2013

TMIT: HOT FOR THERAPIST











MOUTH UPDATE: the lower left quadrant hurts like fuck. it seems to be gums, not the teeth. either way, i want the pain to end. i don't care about appearances, no more gold teeth, i just need the damn thing suctioned off forever. whatever you have to do, doc: gel, antibiotics, root-canalling my entire mouth, i'd rather have a hollow mouth and no pain than a bunch of pearly whites and pain. i don't mind Pein from Naruto, but not pain. damn jaw. damn wintry cold weather. damn the torpedoes. drill in my mouth like a torpedo, i want something else in my mouth...

1. did any teachers at your high school have sex with a student? did any student act out on their teacher crush? i was waiting for it, we all were, it was a Catholic school after all. not any that i knew about, but you have to remember, back then, i was only paying attention to the fact that i was turning into a beetle.

y'know, there was one hot-as-fuck teacher that i remember, i had a crush on her, but it was more that i was part of the Collective Crush that all the boys in an all-boys religious school would have on an attractive babe of a teacher who showed leg and lowered the curve all the time.

2. did any of your college (or any post-high school) professors have sex with or other inappropriate relationship with a student? my first semester, freshman year, i was feeling homesick...let's just say i happened to get straight As that semester...let's just leave it at that...oh Mrs. P, Mrs. P, the history you taught me, your husband and everything, i know, but...Mrs. P, i WAS expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

i confessed to the affair to my college guidance counselor, which is like a high-school guidance counselor but effective. she said she'd keep everything confidential but only if i'd sleep with her. she was hot so i agreed. i don't know, she had those Princess Leia hair buns and she did that cute little thing with her nose, scrunched it up when she feigned annoyance, so that got me. best piece of blackmail i've ever received, best mail i've ever received period, including spam and bills. she turned out to be Mrs. P's sister. i dropped out of college before the shit went down...oh Mrs. P...

3. have any of your co-workers had an affair with a fellow co-worker? i don't work, i'm just waiting to die.

4. have you seen any hanky-panky between members of a club or church you belong to? shhh, you didn't hear this from me, shhhh, *whisper voice*, but...um...those atheists who play bingo every Sunday down the street at the old abandoned mine...they're not playing bingo if you catch my drift...*heehehhhe, shut up, shut up *slap on shoulder*, quiet, remember?!, quiet...they're actually playing Pocket Wheel of Fortune with anal.

5. have you ever had a friend keep you up-to-date on his/her marital infidelities? have you ever had a friend: you lost me after that.

one time, some random dude called me up on my landline telephone and said in a whisper voice: "the password is CUM IN MOUTH." i guess that's the same thing, that's what you're talking about, right?

bonus: have you caught someone you knew out with a person who wasn't his/her regular partner? yes, i was so disappointed, i sent him right away to get some help from a professional, a nice bald man who squiggled all the time and spoke in a soft, joking, deadpan voice...that's a Dr. Katz reference in case you...yeah...PIC 1 FROM UP TOP THERE...

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6 comments:

Catherine Martinique said...

OMG..i don't know to laugh or cry. lol
Catholic school, huh?! why were you turning into a beetle? Do you still have ruler flashbacks? I do. ;)
and Mrs P & her sister...wow. I would have dropped out of school too.
Thanks for making me laugh. :D

the late phoenix said...

slide rule, Pee Chee, Trapper Keepers, oversize pink eraser that my best friend had, recess at the strange hour of 9:21 AM...

...Smurfs, Snorks, ThunderCats...

JustLikeHeaven said...

Great answers, Happy TMI!

the late phoenix said...

JLH: :)

Juliette said...

"i don't work, i'm just waiting to die."

That made me laugh at first because it's so deadpan you. But .. underneath.

What is it with Princess Leah buns? Really?

the late phoenix said...

juli: the most depressing thing about that statement is...it's true...