everyone is everywhere throughout the Mexican restaurant. at all the tables. Cardo, Ricardo for long, ushers us all in.
me: you look familiar, have i seen you here before? you had salty hair. are you a surfer? you looked like you could have used a popsicle.
Cardo: no, senor, see this gigantic fun-size sombrero i wear on my head? i want everyone having fun eating at my restaurant. salsa-dance with the salsa. do the Mexican hat dance. free Michelin tire with every michelada.
me: okay we're down with cantina cuisine, right, ladies? you know i'd be the perfect host for a tupperware party.
Jen R: how's that?
me: there's tupperware throughout my house, i never realized this. did you know all the cups in your bathroom are tupperware?
Jules: you know the best way to get a good night's sleep? eat pizza RIGHT before you go to bed. tuck in to bed under your thin-as-air sheets. trust me, it's the heaviness/lightness thing.
Lindy: i can get by on eating only chips and salsa at Mexican restaurants, when you live in the wilderness you learn how to rough it.
Cardo: you see our front center desk? there's not the traditional '80s wood paneling, instead it's one big swinging puffy pub door from Don's Plum...
Don's Plum: our doors are like Regal Beagle sofas.
Billy Corgan: don't try Chicago deep-dish pizza, it tastes like my butthole.
Jen: it's really that foul?
Billy: as nasty as D'arcy's panties. did you bump into me in Chicago?
Jen: can't say that i did.
Billy: i am a rather large man. you know why your skinny-cross tattoo turned into a fat-cross tattoo?
me: i have always wondered.
Billy: your arm is too skinny, that's why. bulk up with some lamb pizza or something.
Amanda Fairey: a wife/husband art team is the most beautiful force on Earth. the power of paint. an unstoppable duo.
Andre the Giant: did i get ANY royalties from this?
Shepard Fairey: i look like Billy Corgan when he had hair.
Billy Corgan: the "Today" music video...
Piini: come on...
me: i love your perfume.
Jen: it's not my perfume that you're smelling, it's the smell of my essence, it sustains you.
the Hair episode of Head of the Class "From Hair to Eternity": there's nothing cooler than a teacher who was naked onstage in his past.
Howard Hesseman: what's going on with quality television programing these days? the Head of the Class revival gets quicky nixed.
Punky Brewster: and the Punky Brewster revival goes the way of the buffalo.
Rod Serling: where was the classical literature on television in the 1960s? i was the only one doing it!!! worse than war is the human hand grenade. bless your relics with kisses.
Carol Serling: i hit the fucking jackpot, huh ladies?
Jordan Chiles: 4 seconds?
Snoop Dogg: chin up, girl, remember: 1,2,3 and to the 4...
Roger Federer: the Swiss courts will handle it...
Rod Serling at Car Week: i mean i guess the DeLorean car is kinda cool. with the 4 metallic sides. it's a Tesla? fuck that, Elon sucks. Musk sucks. Bump For 2024 bumper sticker? Take America Back? get the fuck outta here with that garbage, we don't cater to your kind, we don't cater to you at our fruit stands. keep your Obama/Biden bumper stickers on your cars forever, that's how we win. wear a SWEATshirt to look presentable. no one will care about you until you care about someone else.
grazie: grazie is fancy. grazie is grand.
Serano: grazie is elegant.
Billy Corgan is in the bathroom talking through the stalls.
Billy Corgan: you folks here for the Janis Joplin revival? you know that thing when you wipe your butt REALLY hard so hard you pull a butt hair out?...
Human Hand Grenade: sounds like a Garbage Pail Kid.
Jen is ready to order.
Jen: so i'm thinking a fiesta platter for the table. 24 chilaquiles should be enough, right, ladies?
Jack Bauer: i don't eat.
me: i can eat. the salsa is Taco Bell Sauce, right?
Jen: we're just having a conversation here, what's the recipe for the 24 chilaquiles, Cardo?
Cardio goes back in his shell, popping a clove in his mouth.
Jen: tinctures in your iced tea, it's like you're drinking hot herbal tea...
herbal tea: i don't actually do anything healthy for your body, all i really do is make your body feel warm and cozy...
Jen: omg MINI bags of salad!!! the CUTEST. mini salad kits!!!
Bianca Andreescu: salt. salt for the table please. salt for the pollock. salt for my knee. that hit me right in my breadbasket, baby.
Elina Avanesyan: my life changed when i met Avo Babian...
Chandler, the 30-year-old beautiful talented YouTube actress who is a cleverer writer than anybody on the staff of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon with her comedy skits: don't hate me because i'm beautiful, hate me because i'm following the EXACT life for HAPPINESS: i married at 30...
Luigi: spaghetti budget stretched thin but i don't care, we got spaghetti boxes for a month.
Super Mario: brother, you know how much i hate thin spaghetti.
Chandler, the woman: PCH, remember when you heard about the Pacific Coast Highway in the '80s from you parents? top down, wind in your hair, driving 100 mph on those mountain curves, Jimmy Fallon riding shotgun...
simplerer: don't...
Federer: now you know how i feel...
Melissa Maker: everyone forgets to wipe the brown backsplash on their toilet seat.
Chad Reynolds: not now, i'm eating French potatoes.
Melissa Maker: it's IMPOSSIBLE to take a towel and wipe your bathroom mirror of water dots IN BETWEEN all your upright tiny bottles of hair sprays, creams, and shampoos that are now just liquids of fermented bubbles. there's too much clutter on your countertop!!!
Grandma Moses: when you get old, they're not prank calls, they're just my phone calls...
Lindy: see these TINY TINY TINY round circular rubber bands? i use them for my hair, when you live in the wilderness you have to learn how to rough it.
Jules: yeah i use one of those microscopic rubber bands for my ponytail but Poison's "Something to Believe In" must be playing in the background...
Rod Serling: television was our first safe space. television shows are our havens, they're glorious.
Billy Corgan: it's been a week and you've ALREADY forgotten about the new Pumpkins album...
Ethan Hawke and Stephen Colbert are sharing a bowl of chips and salsa.
Stephen Colbert: wanna smoke a bowl?
Stephen: but this is the last chip.
Ethan: you can have it.
Stephen: but it gots no salsa on it.
Ethan: i don't have the DNA makeup to truly taste salsa, you know?
Stephen with a broad grin: tomatoes, onions, chile peppers, God is easy.
Howard Hesseman: i want my honors class to enroll in the Fame (1980) school of performing arts...
John Lydon: the Hair episode of Head of the Class was melancholic. it made me want to rent a time machine.
Howard: and go back to the '60s?
John: no, go back to the year 1990, to get it right this time. start over, become a professional theatre actor, don't lose people, be less grumpy.
i use some of my vacation days to travel down under to attend a very important lecture at Australia University.
Professor Raygun enters the lecture hall decked out in her green-and-yellow Team Australia Olympics jumpsuit.
Professor Raygun: i am forever Team Roos. i wear my cap backwards when i'm teaching. how is breaking connected to world politics? i danced true to myself out there in Paris. i danced true to my heart and soul, that's how politics should be. not numbers.
Jacques Pepin: it's not a speech impediment, it's my French accent. only i can stick my finger in boiling water. life hack: spread butter on bread, rub the buttered bread on your corn on the cob...
Grandma Moses: i was the FIRST ARTIST in Greenwich Village. i'm not the grandma on Beverly Hillbillies. i'm not the potato-chip lady from The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson...
Cardo and i bum a clove on the curb.
Cardo: you smoke?
me: my whole fucking life.
Cardo: look man, i don't own this restaurant. it's just.........the smell of the Mexican food was so enticing, i thought, maybe if i went in there i'd get fed. i'm a bum. a hustler. i hustle for food. i live on the streets. i'm a street peddler who peddles no wares.
me: that's okay, i'm a wind-up merchant who sells no watches. look man, the two of us, we're alike, like brothers. you're homeless and i'm homeless in the sense that i'm lost. i don't know where i belong. do you want to form a family with me?
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