.jpeg)
Zac Efron at the Olympic Village.
Zac Efron: remember, no sex. my swim meet's in five, please let me through, watch out for those slippery floors. no i don't watch that Funny or Die Zac Efron's Pool Party from 2009 to get pumped up. the worm in your cafeteria food is that worm from Sesame Street, he's the Olympic mascot.
Eye Luggage: Akira Kurosawa's Dreams and go.
Akira Kurosawa: so this is a very PERSONAL FILM for me, nobody else in the world understands it. and i'm fine with this. this is a great artist's prerogative.
dad: i understand you completely, Aki, and i don't watch motorcycle anime. it's like if i did a movie on the Gilmore Street house in Van Nuys, you know? only my family would understand when i made a reference to the den with the shag carpet, they'd go "oh yeah, Snoopy vs. the Red Baron," no other watching families would come up with that.
Hayao Miyazaki: can you let me out of the pool house? i don't want to sleep in the pool house. it gets cold at night.
Akira: you stay in there till you learn your lesson!!! no more large rubber duckies!!!
Zac Efron: i feel you, Zaki, i hate pools now.
Hayao: we coulda ben Zaki and Aki.
Akira: these were ACTUAL RECURRING DREAMS i had in real life. don't believe me? check out the painting i did of that red fire mountain known as Mt. Fuji. sometimes it helps to get it out on paper and film. i have night terrors, i wake up in the middle of the night screaming thinking i'm Japanese Jesus.
Harley Quinn: our therapy sessions have been helpful. for me, i don't have any friends. it helps to talk in a calm voice. it's weird, i never knew there was a 1920s world...
Ben Franklin: i had the Four Star Dragon Ball, honest. the Six Star is with the Brewster McCloud seagull. when do i use my bifocals to see Bulma naked?
Martin Scorsese: i coulda played Ben Franklin.
Sir Laurence Olivier: know your lines and don't bump into the furniture.
Marilyn Monroe: and by "furniture" he means my tits.
Alaina Moore: am i Alan Moore's daughter? the mystery deepens. i beat Martina Navratilova so badly, 6-0 6-0, she became an American. most importantly, i told Bob Ross to cash in on the Chia Pet thing.
Noah Lyles: torso, yeah, i danced like a toreador out there tonight in that run.
Kamala Harris: America, let's waltz.
Sunshine Through The Rain
Akira: so not to get creepy or anything but i made sure the actress looked and acted EXACTLY like my mother when i was a kid. growing up in some magic village i wish i never left. i don't have mommy issues, it's just i strive for authenticity.
Laertus: it's okay to be a man and vote for Kamala Harris.
Takahashi shakes Akira's hand.
Takahashi: pleased to meet you, master. i mean my hero. yes, sunshowers in Japan take on a more magical quality.
Dirg: in America it's just a sunshower.
Eye: i've heard about these foxes, trickster spirits. but they're so cute, so kawaii, they're kitsune!!!
Akira: spoken like a true goth otaku. don't fuck with foxes, they'll scratch your eyes out. especially when you interrupt a fox's wedding.
foxy bride: do you know how hard it is to get a wedding dress tailored last minute just right for a fox's body with a hole for the tail?
Matthew Fox is the officiant.
Matthew Fox: this island looks familiar. it looks like Lost. wait were we in Japan the whole fucking time?!!!...
little boy: aren't i a good actor?
Akira: well you know how to wield a tanto knife, you're one of those creepy kids. i wish i had a tanto knife when i was a kid to give the bullies a surprise shiv.
boy to fox gods: please forgive me. for just wanting to see you to make friends.
fox gods: sing that Bryan Adams song.
Super Mario: shouldn't there be a law against seppuku for kids?
Akira: remember, in Japan a rainbow is BAD luck...
The Peach Orchard
little boy: aren't i a good actor?
Akira: well you know how to cry, that's it. i cried so much as a kid. i was an only child. well not really, i was an only boy amongst all girls so same thing.
boy: i saw a ghost!!!
sister: don't eat ANY plant in Japan!!! it's like doing acid.
boy: sis senpai, why do you collect creepy dolls?
sis: why do you watch creepy anime?
living dolls: we are hilarious, we forget we're gods and don't know what to do next.
Laertus: can we talk about the COLORS in this film? so SATURATED and HEAVY, they warm me up in a blanket.
Akira: right? it's the '90s now, baby!!! you got so used to me in B&W.
Eye Luggage: can i borrow these costumes for when i go to Catholic church?!!!
Julie Patzwald: new name for our goth band: Vatholic.
living dolls: and now, as the spirits of the peach trees, we perform the fan dance of the Presidents of the United States of America!!!
Eye: was this supposed to be a happy ending, sir san?
Akira: nah, the boy wanted a girlfriend and got a weed.
The Blizzard
Akira: remember that British drama show about snow mountaineers?...
Yuki-onna: i am such a good-looking woman men die on my breasts. they simply give up.
Akira: sounds like my ex-wife. continuing to live is so hard, you know?
mountaineer: nah, the will to live is strong, it always triumphs. that yearning to eat a nice Anthony Bourdain meal for dinner later in the day.
Anthony Bourdain: that's cold. both meanings.
mountaineer: LOOK!!! our five-star hotel was here the whole time!!! it's a reverse mirage!!!
Goku: Four Star hotel.
mountaineer: what's Jack Nicholson's blue frozen head doing here?
The Tunnel
company commander: the way dogs were treated in war, the worst condemnation of mankind there could ever be.
Greykid, Trinity, Talia, Bowzer, and Scooby: thank you.
company commander: see you Americans never think about the OTHER SIDE of World War II, what we experienced after LOSING that war. what Japan felt. we had to go through a LOT of shit.
company commander: Private Noguchi? is that you? what happened to you?
Private Noguchi: i died. oh you mean the blue skin and black eyes? i think i ate a bad blueberry muffin.
cc: no, you obviously swallowed radioactive nuclear waste!!! you glow like Vaporwave!!!
Noguchi: can't i go back to my parents' village yonder? they're waiting for me with the light on in that house. come on, it's spaghetti night.
cc: but...
Noguchi: think about it, as long as i BELIEVE i'm still alive, i'm still alive.
cc: yes you are right. Japan's religion is wonky. okay fine, knock yourself out, you're a part of the Smurfs family, i get it, it's fun.
cc: but aren't all you men BITTER?
Noguchi speaking for the company: of course. war is the dumbest idea man has ever come up with. why didn't Japan surrender on Day One? could have saved billions of lives...
Crows
Akira: man am i depressed. as blue as this Dutch river. glum as a bum. a general malaise has fallen over my life like black salt. this is the PERFECT time to start painting. i learned just enough French to ask this: ...
washer women: Paris Olympics? Tokyo Olympics?
Akira: no, where's Julie Delpy?
Akira: i mean look at the SETS we had to do for this segment!!! they cost BILLIONS OF DOLLARS to get just right, exactly as the paintings.
George Lucas: yeah man, why'd you have to build REAL SETS for this?!!! okay okay that's much better, have you miniature and superimposed onto the painting in photoshop, nice and cheap computer stuff, cheers.
Martin Scorsese: why so glum, chum? why is everyone so sad in Japan? is it just the Japanese ethos?
Akira: it's a good thing Vincent van Gogh speaks English. nobody understands me or my art. i just want to sail away on a Laser Radial sailboat down this Dutch river. i never wanted to be a filmmaker, i wanted to be a painter.
Martin: you don't have what it takes, kid, take it from me. i never got any respect when i was alive. or as a director.
Martin Scorsese: this is the first time anyone has ever seen me actually ACT in something.
Akira: you're okay.
Martin: learning lines is SCARY!!! see i can't fit the WHOLE of the world in the borders of ONE painting, so why try? call me when there are five corners...
Akira: why'd you cut your ear off?
van Gogh: i couldn't get the self-portrait just right.
Akira: inner ear problem?
Mount Fuji in Red
Akira: see everyone forgets Mt. Fuji is a volcano.
Bill Murray: yeah, it's not pretty scenery, not some sugar-topped mountain i fucked Scarlett Johansson on.
Scarlett Johansson: it wasn't your sex, it was the altitude that made us dizzy.
Master Roshi: this is the live-action version of my heroic Dragon Ball episode!!!
man: why do we make war pretty with all the color coding? this ain't Bjork kindergarten!!!
man: i confess, i contributed to this nuclear fallout. i am but a lowly salaryman, a cog in the machine.
mother: my baby never went to Chuck E. Cheese!!! it's just not fair!!! maybe if my child only drinks my teat milk and i read him manga for bedtime stories every night?
Akira: people of Japan, do not worry, it was all a dream, it was all a dream, it was all a Godzilla movie...
The Weeping Demon
demon: if i cry i become an angel.
Akira: we destroyed the Earth. God's gift to us and we destroyed it.
demon: the plants are filled with nuclear waste, we can't eat anything now, we can't farm. i cheated my customers as a farmer, i voted Republican one too many times.
Akira: it's like we're in a Sesame Street segment on flowers.
van Gogh: i dig. these big-ass dandelions are inspiring. my friend Curly from the Three Stooges wants to chew on them.
demon: i regret becoming a demon. if i knew horny meant THIS and not finally getting some, i'd take off my horn. it doesn't stop once you get eaten by another demon, that's the thing, it just keeps going.
Akira: wailing for eternity at a lake of fire, that is so Meat Puppets.
demon: hey you wanna be a demon like me?
Akira: no, why would i?
demon: fair point.
Village of the Watermills
old man: what are you searching for, stranger?
Akira: an inner sanctum, a way to pull all these disjointed dreams into a cohesive whole, into a viable film. i wander aimlessly forever.
old man: if you don't get married you'll die soon.
Akira: no electricity?
old man: there's a 7-Eleven nearby, okay? good vibes only.
Akira: how long have you been working on that water wheel?
old man: 40 years.
Akira: doesn't it get dark at night?
old man: fuck the lightbulb, okay? night is SUPPOSED to be dark!!! it's under the pitch-black midnight sky that our village has sex.
Akira: wait was that a Nintendo in your room?
old man: what?
Akira: did you marry your soulmate?
old man: the bitch dumped me but it was my fault, i see that now. look, whatever your name is, life is not hard, it's fucking exciting. what's the alternative? being dead sucks.
Akira, bowing: g'night folks. arigato. may your dreams be your art.
old man: aren't you gonna join in on the happy funeral parade?
Akira: nah that's creepy. i'm gonna walk to the 7-Eleven...
No comments:
Post a Comment