Sunny D wags his tail in the magic forest. the undergrowth sways like a Kurosawa wave.
Sunny D: time for me to be moseying along back to my family.
me: rub it in why don't you.
Sunny D: if it's any consolation, your hand has been healed. the hand you always slide under your closed legs when you sleep. don't do that, it's bad for your hand. it's like an unneeded vise.
Ollie Wride: look at my frame. i have the body of a fucking SPRINTER. this Vaporwave track in Paris is perfect for my brand of loose jogging.
electrosurgery is elective surgery...
Egypt women's beach volleyball team: burkini? come on, isn't this sport hard enough?
Olympic swimmer takes off his swim cap.........there's another swim cap underneath...
Rowdy Gaines: i'm just like you.
Jim Cantore: i will beat you in my sleep, pal.
Rowdy: we both go CRAZY over water...
Jim: i can't swim.
me: on Gilmore St. in Van Nuys in the '80s, we'd all wake up, all my neighbors and i, in bunny slippers and robes and green faces.
D'arcy: looking like me in the "1979" video.
Jen R: and you'd all drink from the hose for breakfast.
Jen: POM is wine but healthier.
cave salamander: i have a lot of aliases...
me: loose carrot for dinner.
Jen: that's it?
Anthony Bourdain: ...
Anthony Bourdain: one more Tahiti wave...
Anthony Bourdain: i'm surfing with Akira Kurosawa. miso for supper. not the soup just the paste. the two of us are eating two tubes of miso paste whilst on our surfboards...
Jen: surely there are better ways to grab Olympic glory than the high dive off a skyscraper into a bucket of water. like walking weirdly...
Good Earth restaurant: it cost the earth. but wasn't the Earth worth it?...
Bianca Borges: i check the skirt steak with this meat thermometer the way a surgeon would with a needle while performing delicate surgery...
Christopher Kimball: soup was restorative in the first restaurants.........i'm guessing Roman restaurants.........can you open the gate?...
Madame Pons: new at LUSH, i'm excited about this one, our WOOD SALAD-BOWL BOAT!!! who cares about the salad, YOUR BOWL IS A BOAT!!!
The Twilight Zone "Memories": the tape recorder from Somewhere in Time!!!
Rod Serling: do i look better in the John Travolta white suit or the Superman jumper?
Gabe Kotter: both have great hair.
Eggo: you've never put butter on your waffles...
random poster: i'm gonna fuck you so hard you'll quiver.
Robin Hood: is this the fox?...
Cecilia Phillips: Filipino spaghetti every time. it's the banana ketchup, it matches my dress. no, i know it's PBS but i'm not gonna nip some bud with you.
Mr. Furley: sorry, i thought we made an instant connection.
Cecilia: the news. meatball surgery.
Mr. Furley: i'm basically Alan Alda...
commercial: okay commercial, you actually show the actress showing her HEADSHOT PHOTO to prove she's an actress!!! no AI here. Ketch Fire, that's fire. great name for a ketchup company.
Super Mario: have you found your calling? my calling is transforming metal into corrugated sculpture with a blowtorch. how'd i find that? no fucking clue. my dream is to coach women's boxing.
Nick from Family Ties: how much longer we gotta be out here in this junkyard, Mario Man? your shorts stink. the Transformers don't exist. i had to hock my earring to buy some Sizzlean. it's not even real bacon!!!
August 1: back to school TODAY?!!! that's mean. oh, school ends on Christmas...
papertarian: a Starbucks vegan who eats meat.
Carmel Hotel asphalt parking lot: tiny volcanos...
Luigi: imagine working in a paint store...
Luther Vandross: how'd you know i use Vidal Sassoon?
Luther Vandross: VANDROSS!!!
Babe Ruth: you had a crush on me when you played Little League. i was your Sampras.
Julie Patzwald: not to be That Guy but i'm gonna have to let Bustamante go. permanently. i play a mean bass. the new name for our goth band is Vandross...
Jen gets a new job at the Ace Hardware kiln.
Jen: i'm picturing sparks flying at my new workplace.........ACTUAL sparks coming out of the kiln...
me: i almost worked at Ace Hardware. but i'm scared of burly men.
Jen: i'm fucking Jennifer Beals, man!!! the steel mill. Flashdance had a happy ending, right?...
Minster: i sweep the floors at the monastery, it's wonderful.
Jen: Ghost KINDA had a happy ending...
Jen: i'm really only doing this job for the pizza.
Suzanne Vega: i went on a date with Jerry Seinfeld. we went to a diner. pile-high pastrami on dark rye. sauerkraut.
Jerry Seinfeld: drumming on a jukebox?
Suzanne Vega: they hung the oil painting of a nude Bea Arthur above the mantle rather than the Kramer one, it was so Citizen Kane.
Old-Fashioned Potato Ham Chowder and New England Clam Chowder: the Campbell's Chunky soup can version of a Garbage Pail Kid card and its double...
baby friend forever: when you're friends with your ex.
Spooksville swimming pool: look into it...
thought daughter: not a Twilight Zone thing...
Donkey Kong: the gorilla-grip pussy is a myth.
Princess Peach: as is the G-spot...
Mr. Furley: hey have you guys tried those Bananas 'n Cream Eggo waffles?
Carlos Alcaraz: missing your best friend you haven't talked to in a while? start a feud with them on Instagram, that's what i did with Rafa Nadal...
Giorgia Villa: i'm a person but i sound like a place. i'm doing the Cheese-wheel Roll at the Olympics. it's a sport down a hill...
fencing: we're the oldest Olympic sport. back in the day we fenced naked using only our dicks for sabres.
Jen: picture this: we do a podcast were we analyze each other's dreams and do movie reviews.
me: i'd do this for free. it's free therapy.
Joseph Campbell: my favorite film of all time is that Flintstones live-action movie.
me: in my dream i'm on the set of Xena: Warrior Princess. as an actor on the show i'm afforded a tutor rather than school. this sun-spackled afternoon my tutor happens to be wearing a Stussy blouse.
Jen: close call, you could have been on Hercules. you wanted to be Tony Hawk's wife but you had to go to college.
Jen: in my dream i'm on the starting blocks of the 100-Yard Dash at the Olympics. the gun goes off and i'm on the starting blocks of the Olympic pool...
me: underwater or above the lanes?
Jen: imagine underwater racing. underwater swimming, how could that happen safely?
me: underwater lifeguard in a blue Baywatch swimsuit.
Jen: if it was red you couldn't see it. with a mermaid tail for flippers. swimming lanes made of Necco wafers sponsored by the YMCA of the '80s.
Joe Biden: then why didn't HE do it when HE was President?.........i feel so FREE to say what's REALLY on my mind now that i don't have the pressure of running again...
Eye Luggage: we did JFK, Lae and i have seen Nixon, but i can't do W, i just can't, it's just too much.
Oliver Stone: i understand.
seafoam eggs: only found with the Snorks...
Miss Cleo: yes, shrine priestess is the best job, not phone psychic...
Batman: Caped Crusader: it's like getting new episodes of Batman Beyond!!!...
Bruce Timm: Batman Begone? people are tired of Batman?...
seagulls: let the Round Table convene!!! let Camelot COMMENCE!!!
Carlos Alcaraz: don't worry, i'm your transition from Federer, you can love tennis again...
Trinity: you need to get an egg-frying skillet the same steel as my cat bowl...
Jen: what we eating?
me: i'm done with DoorDash.
Jen: TOMORROW my babies. pork chops!!! you know? what fast-food place does pork chops?...
the dog is nowhere to be found, gone. i take my backpack and exit the magic forest. i have nowhere to go. i fit inside that one skinny aisle-lane for parked grocery carts outside a BevMo.
me: they never have the drink i want.
i stay there aimlessly, standing up. the hours grow, i grow a grey beard. passersby pass by. dirty grey beard. i never move again, i WAIT there for all time, endlessly, till the next universe. as if waiting for a bus is a thing, the Greyhounds of my youth won't help me this time. i'm waiting for something to happen but i have nothing written down in my planner. my schedule is empty pages. callous calendar. as if the bus was going somewhere. i have a walking stick but i use it only to tap a tiny tune out on the sidewalk. my eyes grey and dry. waiting for ANYTHING to happen...
Sunny D: see? not the Futurama ending you wanted. that's better for me as the dog. Futurama is just a show...
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