me: i need to get married this month or i'll be forced to go to the monastery.
Jen R: sounds like something out of The Sound of Music.
me: especially since i'm not dating anyone.
Jen: you need to go to the Golden Girls house.
me: yeah, that's always the place to go for answers.
me: i'm so EXCITED to enter this FAMED kitchen and eat some cheesecake!!!
as soon as the revolving door swings i get hammered by a SLAP from Dorothy. i go FLYING into the hanging ferns so hard my dick flips.
Rose: the ferns are still spinning!!!
Dorothy: listen, kid, you need to practice with a practice family first before you can master life. that's us.
me: i am so PLEASED to meet all your acquaintances.
Dorothy: no. family. friends are easy, family is hard.
me: how was the hurricane?
Dorothy: man fuck you, don't ask about that shit, our entire avenue was in the path of devastation.
Jen: i remember that singular Saturday...
Dorothy: let's ease you in with chores, help the other girls.
me: i'd rather help you. i have a crush on Bea Arthur.
Dorothy: every man does, kid. fine, fulfill my deepest wish.
me: Jen, can you help me with this? you got the connections.
Jen: i borrowed this witch's wand from Gladyce who sends her love.
i scootch Sophia over to Dorothy.
me: there, now you two can talk, can relate, can finally understand each other deeply, as if you were sisters, because NOW you're the the same age.
Jen: it always LOOKED like you two were the same age...
Blanche: do me next. if you know what i mean.
me: this one is dangerous, i'm scared of her, Jen!!!
Jen: you just gotta know how to talk to women, how to relate to women of all ages.
me: i do like gilfs. fine, i'll be your kept boy.
Blanche: no, American men bore me, i want sophistication, glamor, exotica.
Jen takes a quick trip on her private Leonardo da Vinci flying machine to Paris. she comes back with Pucci leggings and a baguette balloon.
Jen: i hope they're your size. BOTH items.
Blanche: they fit like a glove, inside and outside my pussy!!! sugar you are sweet.
me: right? that's what i've been saying.
Jen: French men are the way to go.
Sophia: i have very specific Sicilian tastes.
Jen: i got this. don't you worry your pretty little head about it.
me: thank you.
i fall asleep on Bea Arthur's bosom.
Jen comes back from Macy's with a Kate Spade bag with a bowling ball inside it and driving gloves.
Sophia: i always wanted to be Miss Daisy...
Jen: but you're doing the driving. drive at 100 years old, give us all hope. that bag is a reminder to always live. the ball was spit on by Fred Flintstone himself. the gloves are leather but it is the '80s.
Sophia: i feel i was born to be the mother of the crooks in Goonies, the Fratellis. they are such nice boys...
German: WHY are there so many words for why?...
Mr. Kotter driving a 1972 Honda Civic: ...
King Arthur: the Round Table tournament had a wheel but no pizza...
Pat Sajak: i'm free to be your jester.
me: i eat bouillon cubes.
Jen: what happens, do you turn into Q*bert?
Knorr: our bouillon cubes look like Bubblicious gum...
Suzy Lu: we're on the road...
Kakashi: road trip?
Suzy: ...to 500,000 subscribers!!!
Steejo: so what, mate? who cares? those who have it good get it better? how does that help me not be poor and poorly? i had to kickbox my way out of the slums. my ancestors fought in The Troubles.
Knorr bouillon powder: will replace your Lawry's Seasoned Salt on your eggs...
road race in cycling at the Paris Olympics: ride against the street arrows, it's fine...
talking to herself: or, you know, praying, whatever.
Betty Harp: i'm from the angels, baby.
Dean Boxall: imagine Spicoli with covid...
decathlete from Norway: Val Kilmer is alive.........not in your hearts...
Willow: just needed a bit of magic.
Linda Richman: discus, discuss...
the Kraken wearing a gold chain: ocean pollution is a problem with no solution.
me: it takes two Vanquish to get me in the grocery store.
Jen: i get the frozen strawberries with a Xanax.
Lindy Lenz: i get the frozen maple syrup with a walking stick.
dirt church: where Andy Warhol worshipped.
Sistine Chapel on a pub's ceiling: Sistine-ception.
Billy Corgan: i'm proud of this: the new Smashing Pumpkins album is so hard to spell, it won't land on any charts, it won't sell 1 unit...
Live Secret Samadhi: ...
Michael Jordan: man these youngheads today, they don't last in the NBA, they ain't durable, so they turn to boutique bougie Olympic sports. 3x3 Basketball is not a pickup game, it's a picnic game.
Jimmer Fredette: i got injured. have a heart, Mike.
me: in my dream i'm in Steel Magnolias. i'm getting my hair done at the beauty salon and all of us are around the big-ass astronaut-helmet hairdryer shooting the shit.
Julia Roberts: i'm gonna die.........i'm dating Richard Gere.
Dolly Parton: oh darlin, that man is too good-looking for his own good. oh course he pays more attention to himself than to you.
Sally Field: Tom Hanks is supposed to be my husband, right?.........i mean in real life...
Maria LaRosa: seasonal edging...
Billy Corgan: i'm not weird. i just played a lot of Forgotten Realms for the new album, okay?...
Kevin Garnett in an Olympic commercial: when i was young, i WASN'T told anything is possible...
in the bush: that's not a white rose, it's a soiled nappy...
Everclear: isn't that the name of a zit cream?
Wheels from Degrassi: ...
powershot: 7 espressos in one espresso cup...
Rowdy Gaines: i got a crush on Torri Huske.
Torri Huske: that rhymed, you little bastard.
Starbucks paper tumbler: the official Olympics cup...
Iman: a mirrored elevator is the best place to have sex. think about it...
David Bowie: i'd rather do it on an escalator. i'm a novice.
Sharmila Nicollet: i'm Frida Kahlo...
Vashti Cunningham: i'm an actual real-life Mount Olympus goddess. my legs GO ON. i got the perfect body for High Jump. i'm Athena.
Nicola Olyslagers: Olyslagers, Olympics, i was born for this. i write in my journal after every High Jump, because unlike Jim Courier, i'm gonna be the next Ukrainian-Australian Hemingway...
Keely Hodgkinson: i only date Gold Medalists...
Mr. Bean: i'll do it.
Mr. Bean: hammer throw, that's dangerous.
chicken for breakfast: only if it's fried...
Melissa Maker: a chiminea is the perfect kiln to cook pizza by the pool...
Leslie Sbrocco: my cunt is a chiminea.
Pati Jinich: we have a chiminea at our Delaware place when we do outdoor barbecue episodes on our front lawn...
Brilliant Minds: if Gregory House took pills but it was a good thing...
Noah Lyles: i'm going to Antiques Roadshow, man...
Woodrow Wilson Classical High School: go here to be an Olympic athlete. go here to get your high-school Humanities degree. go here for the culture, the plays, and your future wife. go here to go to the Lucas high school. go here to BE somebody.
Keanu Reeves: i'm playing Light Yagami...
Rafa Nadal: bad knees.
Blair Underwood: i need 300 eye drops or i have to wear glasses.
Keanu: did you get the part?
Blair: yeah, i'm playing Lucas from Lucas at the Olympics.
Alice D'Amato: fall to fail, bitches.
chiptune: Vaporwave for video games...
Alvin: ...
Anthony Bourdain: loose carrot, like the loose singing Billy does on the 13th Smashing Pumpkins album...
Billy Corgan: the new Pumpkins record looks like the hole in an acoustic guitar.
Gary Kildall: nah, it's a floppy disk.
Patton: you have a choice, son. die in a war or K-pop star. all you have to do is win Gold in Breakdancing.
Mimi Davila: imagine Maiara Walsh in a cyberpunk dystopia and her head is shaved and grey,..
Shel Silverstein: "And the Green Grass Grew All Around," i came up with that song when i was in kindergarten taught by Bjork...
handball: the sport where the goaltender misses EVERY shot...
Batman: my Batsuit is grey...
kayak cross: that start tho...
Rose: i want to reconnect with my relatives in St. Olaf.
me stroking my skinny chin: hmmm, Olaf, Olaf, so, like, do you want to watch all of Lars von Trier's films?
Rose: no, that guy is CREEPY!!!
Jen: you should have gone with Oliver Stone for Rose. and that's the truth, Ruth.
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