Jen R: you gotta practice with different people around the world to see how you fit in, how you would blend into their family. because you need to transition out of your family into a new one.
me: for stability.
Jen: everyone goes through this, they marry, move out, move in again.
me: who first?
Jen: your tooth has hurt like the motherfucking dickens for some time now, yeah?
me: my whole life.
Jen: do the dentist.
me at the dentist office.
me: so doc.
dentist: don't call me doc, i'm a dentist.
me: so dentist, which cap should i get for my tooth after you drill the fuck out of it?
dentist: your tooth will be gone, leaving only a massive hole. and immense pain. i recommend getting the GOLD cap rather than the plastic cap, it lasts longer and you look like a cool rapper.
me: can i rap a love song from me to you? about toothcaps. and the gap in love. in the lyrics i explain how much i care for you.
me: i had a dream where Spalding Gray was teaching me how to mold clay.
Spalding Gray: now they're saying Splenda is bad for you. i did Splenda for 40 years to AVOID sugar!!! you can't win, you simply have to choose your food and stick with it for life.
me: remember Jenny Jones makeovers?
Jenny Jones: i invented the Daytime makeover. not that dusty bitch Sally Jessy Raphael.
Jen R: it felt so good for those women who could finally step out into the daylight again, their lives forever changed overnight after one treatment. new workplaces, new hair, new habits. and then Fabio would come out from backstage and go on a date with them.
Fabio: these muscles are from the butter diet.
Jen R: okay there's Meghan Markle. you know what to do, treat her like any other person.
me: hey you're kinda cute. you got a man?
Meghan Markle: i mean...
me: two husbands, think about it.........i need some help.
Megan: what's the magic word?
me: how are you?
Megan: thank you. i know a medium you can see. NOT a part of the Royal Family, independent.
self-scrip: why people become doctors.
those tan-color Crayola crayons: your favorite color.
Jen: any tats?
me: i got a tattoo of a tai-chi symbol for T&C Surf Designs. a cross that was supposed to be skinny but turned out fat. and a Chinese symbol that to this day i have no idea what it means.
Colin Jost: only Olympic surfers can wear pooka shells...
Louise Lasser: the DVD box set of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman contains all 10,000 episodes on 2 discs...
Papa Smurf: aye, lad, i gave Lars von Trier blue balls when he tried to enter Smurf Village for "research..."
Kyle Kothari: if Errol Flynn was a diver...
Cassiel Rousseau: Spicoli dive.........diving into the party dip, mate.
finger freeze: breaking, Ozone, Turbo, broom dance, let's not dwell on that racewalking sex...
marathon: i mean isn't it a little rude to introduce only SOME of the runners?...
heat and eat: Doryce on Thursdays.
at The Race, the men's 400m hurdles.
viking: okay.........you got me this time. congratulations.........steroids?
Rai Benjamin: come on, man, after everything we've been through LO THESE MANY YEARS?!!! the blood, sweat, and wet tracks. i thought we were brothers.
viking: it's just.........i was gonna win this again and off that star in Spinal Tap II...
me: in my dream i'm with Lucio Rossi in his treehouse in Sherman Oaks on a leisurely chilly Saturday afternoon in the '80s, nothing to do all day but play Nintendo into the night, Spy Hunter.
Lucio Rossi: i was the kid with Nintendo hooked up to a TREEHOUSE...
me: but then it turns out Lucio this whole time was Serano...
Jen: it's time for you to meet new people.
Jen: in my dream it's a beautiful 1910s starry ballroom. the last dance before the war. the women look so pretty in our gowns and frowns. the men are ciphers. we're all group-singing all the songs off the new Smashing Pumpkins album Aghori Mhori Mei.
Billy Corgan: for good luck in the war. you know all the songs on this latest album really do fit that time period.
Jen: Billy, why are you always complaining about how much your life sucked? the only people who had room to complain were the Lost Generation...
Luigi foots the bill, pays the tab, on all delivered food, after FINALLY winning a kart race...
Super Mario: you cheated with the blue shell.
Luigi: that's the point, bro.
Ted Danson in the starry ballroom: imagine a life where you have the luxury of taking ballroom-dancing lessons...
Nyjah Huston: the problem is the chip, the piece of Eiffel Tower in my Bronze Medal, was from when the Eiffel Tower was red...
cancer: life's hard enough, why is there cancer? life is short. yeah, life is shorter than you can possibly imagine...
Rachael Gunn: yeah yeah fuck you fuck you. i'm Raygun and you can't be cuz you don't have MY cool name to start with. i'm the only Australian who's ever gonna be a Power Ranger. nobody has the last name Gun. i'm gonna be the gun in Lazer Tag...
at the 2028 Olympic Squash event in Los Angeles, Ryan O'Neal takes off his sweaty headband and flings it at Ali MacGraw for their wedding anniversary after Ali took the vaccine...
Chuck Norris: don't put me on the Maine flag, that's stupid. put Stephen King.
Jimmy Carter: i'm voting for Kamala Harris...
Boc: actually i walk in dress shoes for organ recitals...
Roger Federer with a Singles gold medal: the Olympics should be a year-round sport like tennis.
Super Mario: me and my men are the leaf blowers from the Beck "Loser" music video, not Wes Anderson gardeners who trim hedges. Jack in the Box, a burger place for tacos, that is so California.
pole vaulter: my bulge cost me an Olympic medal. should i be flattered? no, without that Olympic medal i won't get anywhere in life. i won't star in the Young Einstein sequel. i wanted my wife to wear a wedding kimono.
art is an explosion: before Deidara, a Sailor Moon photographer.
Andy Warhol: who cares? art is dead. i'm dead. Superflat is all that matters now.
Boa "Duvet," the Serial Experiments Lain song: sure it's nostalgic and all, but it also leaves you unsteady, uncomfortable, uneasy.
Doryce: 7 meters, a handball man who's hung.
Melissa Maker: there's nothing eeerier than the glowy light coming out of a Bagel Bakery at 6AM.
Christopher Cross: there's rich and then there's sailing rich...
Boc: i mean FUCK, i'm walking exactly PARALLEL to this woman as we enter the grocery store.........it's like the Olympics up in here.........i just want some dad bread, man.
woman: the same pace is scary.
Boc kissing his loaf of bread: how are you today, soft daddy?
Carl's Jr.: we cook our bread with a little char...
Michael Weiss: just the fact that you're still alive deserves a like on Instagram...
Katie Ledecky: i'm a jock, okay?
Olympic Village: we're trying to make it the Age of Aquarius.
Antarctica: the Olympics are very important to us. when will penguins be allowed to compete? snowboard-cross training, that's about it.
Trent Reznor playing piano at the Closing Ceremony sideways: did you like when i got swallowed in black tape from the "Head Like A Hole" music video?...
Lance Armstrong: i could do the Velodrome without dope...
Lindy Lenz: the plant section of Home Depot is like a little forest, i sleep there.
Turbo from Breakin': to win the Gold Medal you gotta do my Broom Dance, let's make this Rhythmic Breaking...
Ms. Krause: clap the erasers.
LeBron James: that's where my powder intro comes from.
Ms. Krause: i got it from Michael Jordan.
me: can i have marshmallow hell, Ms. Krause?...
Leslie Sbrocco: i mean this is some bullshit. guns on PBS? even if they are fake toy Western guns. Lake Tahoe is the clearest lake in the world, the only clear lake left, i saw Walt Disney skinny-dipping in it.
Walt Disney: that wasn't me, lady, that was Roy. i Disneyfied the Olympics once and for all at the 1960 Winter Games in Squaw Valley.
Leslie: snow in California my ass.
Walt: please.
new Olympic sport: rolling on giant Olympic Rings...
account: got hacked, need it back.
Meghan Markle: this fortuneteller is very nice, she's a mate of mine, she'll treat you right.
me: i'm nervous. is she friendly?
Meghan: she's a friend of mine.
fortuneteller: hi. who's your soulmate? i'm gonna contact her through this crystal ball here.
Jen: i'm right here.
me: if Jen's number doesn't work, try Jules. if Jules isn't home, try Lindy Lenz.
fortuneteller: three? is that possible? can you have three soulmates?...
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