Jules: i went to the grocery store and bought Bomb Pop popsicles PURELY on the dream i had last night where i was eating a Bomb Pop.
Lindy: those things are huge disappointments. they are HUGE on the box but they're the tiniest little popsicles you can imagine, there's nothing to suck!!!
Cardo: is everyone having a good Car Week?
Melbourne: NO!!! those cars can bore off!!! Ferrari Friday? my down-under Australian peehole. canary-yellow Ferraris everywhere? my Crocodile Dundee crotch. Car Week lasts.........a week...
Cardo: Olympics on tonight?
Melbourne: thanks, now i'm also having Olympics Withdrawal.
me: i need for you women to take me in. to take me onboard.
Trent Reznor: best not to hum the lyrics to the Nine Inch Nails song "Suck" at the post office...
me: Domino's only delivers pizza SCRAPS now...
Jen R: that's okay, 3 scraps make one whole pizza slice.
i knock on the door of Tony Hawk's mansion in Beverly Hills. the mansion is a giant halfpipe with two milk waterfalls at either end gushing down the U.
me: can you teach me how to skate?
Tony Hawk: i mean i'm kinda busy.
me: i know we're not family.........but we could be. i made my skateboard from scratch.
Tony Hawk: that's impossible.
Shaun White: don't take it personally, Tony Hawk wouldn't teach ME how to skateboard...
me: i've never watched a movie in a movie theater while eating Twizzlers.
Jen: that's because you've never watched a movie in a movie theater with the right woman.
Druid at Stonehenge: good ol' Scottish weather created magic stones here...
Michael Jackson: when you crack an egg on your frypan, the egg squirts in all the zigzag lines in every direction, that's me dancing...
'90s shirts: magenta shirt with a large square print of some unnamed taxi depot in outer space...
Howard Hesseman: i just had to leave the show with one season to go, Head of the Class was becoming Saved by the Bell...
Howard Hesseman: i mean the Head of the Class episode filmed entirely in the USSR was cool, no other television episode had ever done that. my honors class ended the Cold War all by themselves, that was neat. fuck Carmen Sandiego. i'd like to. is she single? sorry, my DJ comes out sometimes. i did enjoy eating at the Moscow McDonald's...
me: i've gone unnoticed my whole life. i've wasted all my time. there's only enough money left for one trip. to visit the Seinfeld Deli.
PG&E: the main thing we do is form massive icicles in your freezer...
Leslie Sbrocco: i don't brush my teeth. but i gargle.........i give you a sloppy blowjob. a wet blowjob, you know it's more like a gurgle...
Jeff Daniels: i look like your Uncle John...
Eric Mardian on Head of the Class: we're all intellectually-gifted students but i'm the dumb motorcycle guy of the group.
Eric Mardian: i'm the IHP's Nick Moore. where's the pancakes? most CEOs only have high-school degrees. i was your first Armenian, i led you to Avo Babian and suburbia.
Eric Bogosian: i'm the Armenian Spalding Gray. remember suburbia and Angels in America? those two plays were your last chance to make a life for yourself at Berkeley...
Eric Mardian: acting is there to give good-looking people sweaty palms.
adamance: a cool guy named Adam who insists on being stubborn. has a lance.
wrong side of 40: 4 tattoos.
George Costanza: when you have $30 in 30 $1 bills in your wallet...
Rolls-Royce Arthur car at Car Week: i'm in the wrong place!!!
double death: when you lose interest in 1986 Double Dare on Nickelodeon. and you move.
the plot of Spinal Tap II: Spinal Tap steals Graceland...
Mean Ms. Frizzle at the Bagel Bakery: don't be so quick to judge. look at my face again in a different ominously glowy light. those aren't Halloween lights, they're footlights on a stage. i remind you of UCLA theater in the '80s...
the other normal nice Ms. Frizzle: i got Froot Loops bagels...
Skylar: i may not be there anymore at Safeway, but my steampunk cash register is. my grandmother took my job, she's the new checkout girl. the girl you check out.
grandmother: i'm the cash-out girl.
Skylar: i'm voting for Kamala, she's gonna get rid of price-gouging so grocery stores will go out of business. that'll teach that monk with the itchy beard that somehow still gets to keep his job.
Kurt Cobain: i'm a bag boy now!!!
Freud: all these Instagram psychologists who have 100k followers are creepy, how can you treat 100,000 patients?...
Jung: when you're a follower of one of these Instagram psychologists, you feel so exposed, you feel like one of her patients, like she is looking at you, like everyone is looking at you...
Freud: and those Instagram women who are dating coaches who only coach men scare me.
Less from Mr. Maldark's class: when i'm driving and the streetlights go out and there are 4 cops directing traffic BY HAND, that's when i REALLY can't handle the stress...
Martin Sheen on the set of Apocalypse Now: people don't realize the STRESS of being an actor. it's not all reading lines then going back to your trailer for robe and cocoa, you gotta push Apache helicopters and stuff.
Dirg: will i ever get married? only if it's a Richard and Wendy Pini thing...
pizzer: when Peter Griffin vacuums an extra-large pizza into his mouth whole.
Peter Griffin: 500 degrees in the oven?!!! that's fucking insane!!! that's wicked insane!!!
Ear Horn: can an oven even achieve a temperature that high? not without witch fire.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: the Twilight Zone episode "The Call" from the 1980s, now SHE has a sexy voice.
Julie Khaner: you finally have competition.
Steve Blum: i must compare you two ladies' voices. in bed.
Motoko Kusanagi: it's a rare being who is sexy over the phone AND in person...
Robert Griffin III: i was the most talented one. on ESPN. i came up with that Tin Man Meme. budget cuts did me in. budget cuts?...
Super Mario in his truck recycling the trash: thanks for the EXTRA-LARGE pizza box the size of the Empire State Building!!! this is the size i get to when i eat a Super Mushroom...
me: i really appreciate that i violated the policy but you guys still collected the trash and recycling anyway.
Super Mario: i'm issuing you a yellow slip, i've checked the box marked bullying.
me: thanks, i crumpled up into a ball and deposited the yellow slip you gave me into the recycling bin.
Super Mario: and syringes.
me: sorry about that, i have a drug problem.
Super Mario: place the bins on the curb, not the LAWN...
Cardo: a closed mouth doesn't get fed.
Capp: except when it comes to love and soulmates.
Toad: do i still have to go to school today? the yellow school bus missed me, i was at a municipal metro bus stop in the inner city STANDING ON TOP of the bus-stop bench as the flood reached 9 feet...
bar pizza: fancy name for microscopic pizza.
Doryce: bar pie, my vagina on Thursdays.
Jules: pub pizza.
Capp: fame is not freedom, anonymity is freedom.
Banksy: people learn this too late in their lives.
Kim Novak: there's a black-cat emoji but i don't have the update to get it.
Pyewacket: use me.
Julie Patzwald: when someone says to you "we'll start a jazz band," that means they want to be with you forever.
Michael Weiss: if a woman suddenly deletes all her pictures on Instagram, it means she's found a man...
me: what's the lucky penny on the ground for?
dad: to save you.
me: a lucky penny is nice but it's not life.
dad: it turned your frown upside down.
Trent Reznor: i'm the only LIVING person who understands what life really is...
Frosty the Snowman: where was Snowball Earth when i needed it? i like manga.
me: okay we rented the room upstairs from the boulangerie in Paris, i binged all my French in Action VHSs, we're ready. i boned up with the French Einstein.
Valerie Allain: they rented, you did nothing. puh-lease. i learned Valley Girl from my Yale man.
Jen: what exactly does one wear to a foursome?
Hayao Miyazaki: don't do it!!! it's going to be bad luck!!! whether you do it devil OR angel!!!
me: i have to make sure there's an exact amount of cum that i shoot out onto each of your three faces, there's a lot of pressure on the man to perform.
Mireille from French in Action: pressure on the man? please. the guy only has fun, it doesn't matter to the monsieur.
Jen: i'm wearing my Mrs. Roper muumuu.
me: me too.
Jules: mittens. and margarine. for our mid-afternoon munchies after.
Lindy: mouthguard. and marmalade for the mountain bears after.
Jen: my Velcro ankle guards.
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