Wednesday, January 31, 2018


the two ladies met every time in the same place. like clockwork, but working off a sundial in a bygone area, in their heads, older than the very time it was tabulating. they knew each other's favorite places and their favorite times of day. by instinct, joined at the hip, joined at the crotch. their crotchety crotch.

Gladyce: do we even need to speak anymore?

Doryce: hells yes. who am i, your husband? how would i know what you're thinking?

Gladyce: i assumed we were mindreaders.

Doryce: yes but that's a spell which takes a spell, an awful amount of concentration. powers of perception and such, reading a person's expressions nibbled on their nosehairs. at my age my glasses wobble, can't zero in on one target long enough.

Gladyce: you mean you have a roving eye. we really should live together doncha think? do you have any other friends?

Doryce: oh no, that would spoil the fun. we need to have some surprises between us or we'd get sick of each other fast. i don't want what we've built up over the generations to be lost on a lost toothbrush.

Gladyce: you mean secrets. i'm with you, honey. our bond is the grandest edifice ever built. it's like the Taj Mahal no one else knows about. can't find it on no stinkin' travel guide. honey, you can scrape my sky any day.

Doryce: i want to scrape your pap. it's a delicate balance. the key is not to think about it too much. a miracle disrupts a rigid plan.

Gladyce: the bus is late again. time for my sex life. please expound on your date with Bama.

Doryce: i think he's too old for me. going off to college like a big man. he won't like what's in store. it's all downhill from there. the minute you adult your inner child gets burned at the stake.

Gladyce: they've had it all wrong for centuries. you're not supposed to grow up, you're supposed to grow lateral.

Doryce uses her mouth on her glasses.

Gladyce: that is so interesting right now. you're fogging up your glasses to clean them. but look out, in front of you, we're outside, do you feel that? it's the weather. it's foggy. thick as pea soup. isn't this what biddies do? the number-one topic? the weather? i'm always telling you to observe nature. you're missing out keeping insular inside your coat.

Doryce: fah. a pox on your house. that you never use. you need to look out for my left hook. i only like pea soup with ham. my cat is fine thank you very much ma'am. actually she's not. threw up. saw her vomit right in front of my eyes. see i'm observant. don't know what it is. if it's the food i'm screwed, screwed food, they only serve one brand at Rite Aid. i sonder that she's getting too much sun perched on that damn window of mine that i always have to keep draped. she takes after her mother, as all creatures eventually do.

Gladyce: wham bam. your Christmas goose is cooked. seeing your beautiful lips form that O shape and blow got my back up. thank you, my back's been killing me for ages. but now my mouth is dry and full of cotton. my tongue tried to empathize with you but couldn't muster the saliva. glands atrophy as you get older. got any gum or something?

Doryce: you're like a damn smoker. and i'm gonna treat you like one. sure, take my therapeutic gum. in my left coatpocket you malign along with the hook and thread. it's the yellowing one. i mean the yellow one, both our teeths are long gone. Juicy Fruit. i stole the last pack from the bottom, the one no one sees that ends the rectangular box. it's the perfect gum.

Gladyce: DORYCE! i'm ashamed to be associated with you.

Doryce: what? it's just gum. at my age what are they gonna do, throw a helpless granny in the slammer?

Gladyce: that's how it starts. you think it's just a harmless pack of gum but if everyone looted their pound of gum all the World Money would stop circulating.

Doryce: but that's just my point. it is just gum. this is my revenge on society for doing me wrong my whole life. *chew* and it tastes like gravel. oh great. there are two types of gum, soft and sandpaper. we got the hard expired one that crumbles into pieces upon contact with teeth, even our teeth which is itself mostly gum.

Gladyce motions to form an O with her lips...

Doryce: *points* don't you dare say karma! we control the karma.



Jules said...

Crotchety Crotch - name of my next new band. That could actually be a name of a village in the Cotswolds though…

I love the idea of growing lateral!

*sonder* ;)


the late phoenix said...

as one grows, one would still have to purchase new clothes. but the clothes would be wider instead of bigger. the diet-industry bubble would burst