me from my bedroom: causing an international incident with both El Salvador AND The Netherlands all in the same day? okay now this is personal.
Gladyce: so how was it? how was your date?
Doryce: oh let me see if i recall. everything just blends together nowadays. i remember Bama was wearing a shirt...
Doryce: Bama dear, will you help me? i've got two bags here.
Bama: okay Miss Doryce, i see they're not white, they're brown.
Doryce: i wish my poo doctor would tell me that one time. you are such a dear for calling me miss. have your muscles grown since last we spoke?
Bama: just my head muscle. i'm going to college in a few weeks.
Doryce: please, darling, let's not talk about the future, all there is is now. it's not all the way there, hon, bless your heart, you're still wearing that Auburn sweater. i'd advise against that when you get up there. it hides your biceps.
Bama: Miss, why do you do your weekly full grocery shopping here at Rite Aid? this is more of a druggist's, not a grocer's. we have a few items but it's mostly candy bars to drown out the medicine taste. Safeway's just across the street.
Doryce: but who would help me there? i feel so safe in your arms.
Bama: but i've never hugged you. okay i finished loading you up.
Doryce: that sounds so filthy and lovely.
Bama: let me put them in the trunk of your car.
Doryce: please continue. except i don't have a car. those nasty government agents took my driver's license away permanently.
Bama: okay i can walk. i got trunks for legs. where do you live? i'm sure yours is the mansion on the grassy hill i curb every morning in my dewy Datsun.
Doryce: you are adorable glass. i live miles from here. now do you see how much i love you?
Bama: i can drive you, Miss. the passenger's seat is filled with 30 Caesar chicken-wing bones but
Doryce: please, my love, let's take things slow. just drop me off at the bus depot like one of your bitches you've finished with for the day. you must trust me in such matters, i have the experience and the experiences. it'll make it all the more explosive when we finally do consummate. now who do you want to win the Big Game?
Bama: Patriots vs. Vikings? what history! the first time a team gets to contest the Super Bowl in their own home stadium!
Doryce: it's gonna be cold? you're asking the wrong marm, i think everything's cold.
Bama: uh, it's gonna snow. but i think it's inside. you know how this is gonna end, right? everyone in purple shirts will be so jubilant they'll forget the Patriots are the ultimate party-ruiners. somehow, someway, the Patriots will win this impossible road game for them. but ma'am, you do remember i got a tennis scholarship, right?
Doryce: but of course! why just this time i was in line that rude Coco chick cut me off and cut me cos she was frantically looking for bananas. a search that proved fruitless. Pat Cash owes me money.
Bama: did you find everything you were looking for today, ma'am? Cocoa Puffs are on aisle...there's just one aisle. along with first-aid bandages for minor cuts. Rite Aid, we carry the best aid.
Doryce: it was a major cut. Major Grand Slam. see i know tennis. a week ago ever since i learned you like tennis. i have a lot of free time, much like a tennis player who retires. the match. congrats to Sukova. Sukova means "suck" in the old country language, trust me on that.
Bama: this is why i need to attend school. i'm happy Halep was able to gut it out. now we'll have a final where one will get their first major and one will be psychologically crushed beyond repair.
Doryce: psychology is modern magic. that Caro, she's a spitfire. she's got her shit together now, all tied up in a neat religious bow. she's gonna do it. this was all to make Rory second-guess his hasty second-guess. it's amazing what revenge can achieve. i read a lot of gossip rags, too. free time. please grant an old lady her dying wish. never change. remain my Bama boy. don't grow your hair out, leave it this short and humble and good-natured and simple.
Bama: but i need to protect my brain. long hair is in again for guys. are you watching the interview now?
Doryce: uh, no. it was never in for guys. don't let the football harden you. don't let the tennis soften you. return to me unchanged by the world. with those rippling muscles in your chin. i want you to come back still full of beef. not full of bull.
Bama: Rennae Stubbs said she wants Halep to sit on her like a chair.
Doryce: i like her. best interviewer. i knew there was a reason i liked her. Rennae, what an exotic spelling of Rennae. i like the cut of her stub.