Wednesday, January 31, 2018


at the State of the Union, President Bump has forgotten which audience he's playing to. but he takes in the pomp and circumstances of his reign with a wry smile.

Brian Williams: *at the desk* did he actually say what the state of the union was? what word did he use? i missed that.

Nicolle Wallace: he used the word fragile which i thought was quite brave.

Chris Matthews: the Democratic response was proof that all the soul went into one ginger.

Brian: and so you just heard our family here at the desk, we're all here and extended, you can't miss that piercing voice.

in the Patriots lockerroom.

Belichick: if any of you want to take a break from this intense Super Bowl practice which will change the course of your careers, know that such practice is against league rules and subject to severe penalties and fines. you will be forced to sit in on the Committee which is redetermining what a catch is. and you will be summarily cut from the team. but i will allow it for this special occasion this time.

the team tv remains turned off. only Brady walks out of the room and watches it on his watch. he removes a hat from his locker, locks that locker, and places his keys in the hat.

Nikki Haley strolls onto the set. in intermissions everyone is friends playing a part and not enemies.

Nikki: hi Chris! did you get my invite?

Chris: thanks, babe, but i had to work.

Nikki: what did you think of the address?

Chris: Lincolnesque. only in the sense of same party.

Nikki: why is your mouth agape and your eyes wide and you can't speak?

Chris: i only came to see what those two lovebirds would do in between segments. but they fucked on air live tv under the desk when the camera panned to a guest, it was quite the quickie spectacle to behold! i came.

Nikki descends the quiet stone walkway into the evening dusk and damp grass to the back of the Capitol. the Dome is hiding the tip of the plane. before she enters Air Force Uno unaccompanied and without fanfare mics, noisily on her long heels each step of the gangplank up, she rustles something by a bush as if she's checking her purse. but she doesn't take her purse. she puts it behind her back and holds it to her butt.

Bump: i heard you coming a mile away. perhaps it's time for your noisy resignation?

Nikki: sir this is highly inappropriate. it's okay normally but this time it's me. i still would have been chosen for this position if if were Hilary, i'm that qualified. that would have been a more ideal situation for me looking back.

Bump: don't be so sure, i've heard rumors about her. she is REALLY into women's issues. stories when i still attended their parties. stories my alter-ego planted himself. how did you enjoy the speech? it was the greatest deliverance ever by an American President, got yuge worldwide ratings, biggest speech ever, never lost.

Nikki: longest speech ever. it would have gotten ratings anyway, this thing preempts everything from Nickelodeon to Persian soap operas.

Bump leans back on his airplane chair, which he has scooted to block the porthole entrance. he is so sunken into that chair his big head is lateral with the armrests. his sunken eyes twitch and twinkle with blotches of yellow. he sticks out his crooked tongue snarkily over a misplaced jaw. his tongue is coated in gold dust.

Bump: i deserve a treat after that speech. a frequent-fliers reward. i worked hard approving that speech. i made sure to un-redact every last thing that was redacted. come here and sit on Papa's lap. gimme my chocolate ice cream with caramel on top.

he begins to unbutton his pants. Nikki quickly wags her stick in front of his face. the stick has a strong oak base and two spindly limbs which branch around and form a misshapen circle of branches eating each other, melting at the edges. the light catches Bump's two lights off-guard and closes them.

Nikki: do you feel that? the soft fleshy moonlight from Mother Moon filtering into your hard caveman brow?

Bump: *covering with his hands but they're not big enough* what is that thing!?

Nikki: an uroboros of sorts.

Bump: but i'm not into pee play!

Nikki: that's not what that midget Steel says. he's a friend of mine off-work.

Bump: please stop. i can feel the pebbles of your spell counteracting the slick taste in my mouth. this is a power i have not encountered before.

Nikki: cut it out! do you not read the papers? do you not listen to the same music? we're in a different time, a new era. it would have broken open even with Hilary. let's pretend this never happened, status quo, both of us remain silenced, i keep my job, and i promise you Mueller's head on a stick. i can get it done, i just need a few agents, that shouldn't be too tough, right? from now on, work, not play.

Bump: oh yeah, the FBI is like my right arm. you bring me Mueller and you'll get promoted! the boring way! oooooooooooooooo, your orangutan is making me dizzy. i feel like throwing up.

Nikki: you needed a shakeup, sir.


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