Friday, January 5, 2018



* Attenborough: in the wilds of the Savannah, we find the wildest singer of all: man walking.
tourist: you can't say bush anymore. why is it so cold? i thought we were in the Sahara.
Attenborough: i can't explain it to you until the BBC pays me. they have so many people to pay. it's a backlog of pay.
tourist: i saw your latest documentary. you mean to tell me there are areas of the ocean man still hasn't explored yet? new rule: man can't go into space until man discovers all of the ocean. hey are you that guy who was the nerd on Lizzie McGuire and then you had that brother who choked himself to death with a bad karate chop?
Attenborough: i'm afraid you have the wrong family. i am not jealous of my brother, but he can't act his way out of a paper bag at the bottom of the ocean. he called me up on the ringer the other night again talking about fanciful creatures he called dinosaurs.

* grandma: let's break out of the nursing home, grandson!
grandson: this doesn't make us look good, granmama.
grandma: it's just tv.

* that team lost. that was the joke.

* BMXer: i wanted to be a rad helmetless skateboarder with long hair, jeans, and kneescrapes. but my grandma got me this really tiny bike for Christmas...

* comedian: breathe. breathe. if Kevin Hart and Al Bundy can get out of the shoe game, so can you.

* the first 20 times i watched this commercial i had no idea what the Starbucks scene was about. her band is opening for U2 on Broadway or something?

* doctor: good news, bad news. your cancer cleared. but your glasses make you look like an old lady.

* most of these are cosplayers. but one is a real ninja. and one is a real vagabond.

* woman in red: i'm not wearing any pants. but i'm Steve Jobs's daughter so it's okay.

* man on porch: what are you doing here!? you traveled 850000 miles to come back here?
woman: it was on Southwest so it's free. a love confession only counts if it's declared in the pouring rain.
man on porch: i can see your nipples through your soaked blouse.
woman: maybe this was a bad idea.

* woman at airport: why can't i get a man who can fold a baby stroller!? i'm sorry, honey, i know you try, but i think i'm more attracted to robots.

* coach: miss, can i borrow your lusty-red kerchief around your neck? i need to dab the corner of my mouth after that squirrelly airline liver sandwich you served me.
stewardess: i'm sorry, sir, but you're on the list. your last name is Carradine.

* don't matter if you're black or white


happy weekend, my can go now, i'm gonna be awhile combing through all these seats for used gum and old stories...

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