Wednesday, January 31, 2018


Gladyce: your man is big on tennis i gather?

Doryce: quite. we got mutually depressed over Sandgren, it was a nice bonding moment.

Gladyce: oh yes, i was all ready over here to shoot the flags and rah-rah our country. then i had to peruse one of your gossip rags.

Doryce: we come from a bigger country. has to be. yeah, just don't offer him a pizza, he'll go ballistic.

Gladyce: such a shame. first one in many years. and the perfect name, too, Tennys.

Doryce: too much sand in his vagina. speaking of balls-out pizza, have you checked out the new Red Baron?

Gladyce: sure. in the frozen aisle.

Doryce: no i mean on the cover. the actual Red Baron. he is looking buffer, i think they got a new model. you can see his twig and branches bulging from out his beige flyer pants.

Gladyce: i'm with you, honey. that mustache is majestic, mmmmm. i want to mustache-ride him!

Doryce: other way round, dear.

Gladyce: whatever works. i want to kiss his lips, but i really just want to kiss his mustache, not his mouth.

Doryce: i get the neufchatel and the gruyere flavors. which ones are your fancy?

Gladyce: the cheese one. where do you find those?

Doryce: in the frozen section. yeah, they come in slightly different packaging, his package is altered in the cover photo on the rare boxes. one even has to cover it with his scarf it's so huge and sticking out.

Gladyce: i believe they call that photoshop. i heard that from a grandson. not my grandson, just some tiny kid walking the street at night. those pizzas scare me, they're in the shape of tombstones.

Doryce: well look alive, soldier of love! here he comes. with his flavor du jour.

Bama arrives in his Dodge Stratus by the stop, pulling up to Doryce's wiggling feet whose combed shoes dangle the bus bench. Gladyce's feet and uncut nails are in open-toed boots on the other side of the bench.

Gladyce: you set me up!

Doryce: yes! on a date! we're sisters, we share everything!

Gladyce: even this!? wow. we really are sisters now. are you the menu du jour, young man?

Doryce: not me, her. set menu. table d'hote. i'm preparing you for fancy dates, kid, if you ever want to move up in the world.

Bama: uh, si fraulein, gracias.

Gladyce: i like him already. i'm giggling like a schoolgirl.

Doryce: oh you never went to school. we're too pretty for school. have fun!

Doryce waves her bony hand. at the Y pool, seniors' night. Gladyce is in her black-and-white-striped unitard.

Bama: don't be a tard, go naked. i mean if you want to.

Gladyce: oh i hate these seniors' nights. i hate being conspicuous. i'm gonna dunk my head and never come up for breath. you look cute in your red shorts which don't quite fit you.

Bama: try the volleyball. it's weird in water. i've been doing a lot more sports even since my mom banned internet in my room. but i still sneak out and watch my watch. here. it's okay, it's waterproof.

Gladyce: honey the wave of the future passed me a long time ago. i don't "do" the internet, honeychild.

Bama: it is getting boring. what finally convinced you the internet wasn't for you?

Gladyce: Poopeez. Poopeez exists.

Bama: for me it was Tide pods.

Gladyce: ikr? can you believe young people today are so dead inside they voluntarily eat detergent to get friends? what happened to the kids?

Bama: attraction is an anomaly. i use Tide pods to wash clothes.

Bama takes out a Tide pod from his shorts pocket...

Gladyce: ...oh so that WAS a Tide pod in your pocket.

...and he removes his shorts and throws them into the pool then he removes everyone at the pool's clothes and tosses them in the middle of the pool. he dives in and begins churning the water with his muscle shins. a vortex forms.

Gladyce: well that's one way to do laundry. college kids today and their unique creative ways to do their laundry. i'm suddenly feeling very tired, think i'll take a nap. and you've just provided me the easy way out.

Gladyce falls in and rides the cylindrical tip of the vortex to the bottom of the pool.

Gladyce: hope nobody saw me, i need the peace and quiet.

she turns to her side and rests her face on her elbow. she closes her eyes and snoozes for a day straight her body never not touching the bottom concrete of the pool, lounging, lying in full chlorine water.

the tornado has long since evaporated. Bama searches frantically for his old date, his charge, even saluting his forehead to see better, but he can't locate Gladyce. he realizes awhile that he can't just be naked with just a towel round his neck out in the open like this swinging in the wind and flies.

the lifeguard's chair is lifted high up in the air and empty. nobody is occupying the lifeguard. there's a red towel on the lifeguard seat.

me, from my bedroom, rope round my neck with a whistle: insulting BOTH El Salvador AND The Netherlands on the same day!!? now it's personal.

Gladyce lay underwater.


Jules said...

What do you mean, don’t offer him a pizza? There’s no such thing as a bad pizza!

Yes, eat Tide detergent for whiter teeth and stomach pumping. Nice.

Tide pizza anyone?


the late phoenix said...

mah dahlin I googled Tide pizza and a picture of Gordon Ramsay popped up...