PREAKNESS GAME, ANYONE CAN PLAY

oh Kegasus, you there? i'm a Preakness Phreak, too, but, y'know, come on with that! okay, i guess we'll do this game, tomorrow being the Preakness, the second jewel, the anti-Kentucky Derby regalness, the beered-up derby, the derby "of the people", of the unwashed masses. gotta say off the bat I'll Have Another is just a terrible name for such a beautiful horse. it just doesn't roll off the tongue, and it looks bad in print. i mean the immediate newspapers all correlated I'll Have Another with a Cinco de Mayo alcoholic drink since the race was raced on May 5, so it just kinda cheapened things a bit. Secretariat, now THAT's a name, that's a royal moniker for a one-of-a-kind creature of God, that name looks good in print on a masthead...SECRETARIAT, rolls off the tongue with grandeur and grace. that being said, i am gonna choose I'll Have Another to win tomorrow just 'cause i can, it's my game, so sorry. please play, though, i can't live unless you play my sports games, internet public. you know the rules by now, right?

FIRST, CLICK HERE FOR A LIST OF THE PREAKNESS CONTENDERS TOMORROW

simply choose one of those horses whom you predict will win the race. if your horse choice actually wins the race, you'll win the beloved, sought-after prize of three of my hilarious comments on your blog.

just a word on the future: if I'll Have Another doesn't win tomorrow, i won't be doing a Belmont Stakes game...i mean, what's the point? if there's no Triple Crown at stake, it just doesn't reach the same level of excitement. are you getting the feeling that this next-Triple-Crown-winner dream might just remain a dream forever? it's been an eternity since the last Winner, that was way back when near my date of birth!!!




thanks for playing, my babies, and i'll see you tomorrow...





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TNH: RETRO WATCHIN', TIMES PAST INTO THAT COLD NIGHT

*CLICKY CLICKY*



click on the boys finally score for ...RUBBING YOUR...(1 OF 4)


THEN, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE FOR A STORY





remember this rap from the new episodes of BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD recently? i know what you're thinking, how is this TNH series gonna end? stick with me, folks, still haven't drawn yet, once i start drawing, the picture will become clearer...and hotter...and sexier...and you're gonna want to fuck me at the end of it.





CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT






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TMIT: FINE DINING

don't concern yourself with over-eating, i must indulge myself in all the BEST pleasures of life in order to achieve NIRVANA:

1. before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail: i choose the word which is COCKTAIL, can't get passed that, it's too funny to me, it's busting my gut, my drink of choice is milk, motherfucking plain white milk, i drink it 'cause it looks like cum

2. appetizer: a little nibble of your toes, my beautiful babe

3. soup: split pea on the rocks, that hot, steaming mush goes down the gullet better when it's ice-cold

4. salad: i'm a proud salad man, i eat salads, and despite what SEINFELD teaches, i am a macho man, i can hold my own at a salad bar, why, once, i fucking destroyed this dude who was hittin' on my lady, hit him in the face with a radish

5. wine or other in-dinner beverage: i love that word beverage, comes from the root TO IMBIBE. no, i have nothing here, i wait two hours after dinner to get sloshed with a box of wine alone in my apartment with my cat...i don't let my cat see me drunk, gotta keep some secrets in the relationship, y'know?

6. entree: i start off things with a ten-layer hamburger, well-done on the even patties, raw on the odd patties

7. side dishes: a nice side dish of fish oil to help lubricate my cock for later that night

8. desserts: remember the meme, right? SS in "dessert" stands for strawberry shortcake, that's how you differentiate it from the word "desert", one S, though i eat desert for dessert...never heard of sand-filled strawberry shortcake? it's to die for...literally, you will die after consumption

9. after dinner drink: you mean other than your vagina juice?

10. which three people (famous, real, could be dead, not fictional) would you invite over for dinner with you?:

* for sex appeal: Doris Kearns Goodwin, pic 3 from the bottom, you all know my little fetish by now, right? my fetish for getting regaled with stories of history, presidential history, politics, all that dry stuff which light up my ears when told by such a woman of stature as she. look at the way she throws that ball, she must have strong arms...

* for great conversation: KURT, pic 2 from the bottom, his would be the only response i would take seriously when he talks about the afterlife. i would be honored to share a pizza with this man, honored to bite down on a dough ring of true human feeling.

* because you detest them: last pic, bottom pic: YOU, or rather, ME, i would invite myself over for dinner, discuss my flaws, discuss how to fix them, argue about how i never act upon all the things i think about, reschedule...

bonus: your lover brings you breakfast in bed, what's on the tray? Trey...but seriously, i want a lover, i want a lover NOW bad




CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY






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BABE OF THE WEEK: KATTY KAY

huh? huh? yeah. another British accent which melts my **** and makes all that horrid news from the world perpetrated by the crazies among us go down in a palatable fashion. side-note: this world is fucking insane, but i am insane, what exactly does that make me? does the knowing, the self-awareness, lessen the insanity somewhat? i guess it all works itself out into two fewer sticks of the needle. look at those pearly whites in PIC 8!!!! Katty is my kitty, she's my number-one newsbabe, i'm tellin' ya, like a clock at 4pm every weekday i'm there with my cool-ranch doritos waiting for her to appear on my tv screen with a nice dress of the day on to give me those BBC World News America headlines. on fridays when the other one appears, i get let down, i mean, the other one's nice, she's that librarian with the brown hair, short, big tits, but it just isn't the same, isn't my kitty, my Katty. kit-kat, the name of a cat and of chocolate...wafers. speaking of clocks working, a dead grandfather clock works twice a day, i don't know why i went with the *grandfather* specificity there, not like i'm thinking about him or my own mortality at this moment or anything. sex with Katty would be a whole new level in the sky, it wouldn't be the sloppy, silly, untrained American Yankee fucking i engage in occasionally, no, no, this is proper British sex, sex with an elegant, experienced woman of stature, this would be flying on the chandeliers with gloves on so as not to leave a stain. don't spot the good china, but white stains are a must. this is BRITISH sex, folks, the ultimate, and someday i just know i will achieve my British dream...


CLICK ON THE BELOW LINKS IF YOU DARE:

* THIS GUY IS AN EVEN BIGGER PERV THAN ME, LEARN FROM THE BEST, I SUPPOSE. YOU ALWAYS MAKE ANYTHING BETTER WHEN YOU PLACE A SOUNDTRACK ON IT

* PINK, HEELS, AND SLEEVELESS, I GATHER

* OOOOOOOOOH, MAROON!!!!!!!!!

* GAMS MAKE EVEN THE DRY WET



and looksy here, dude, i didn't even plan this, pure coincidence, but Katty will be appearing in Power Players Week on Jeopardy coming up this cumming Monday, how's that for matching wavelengths and the universes aligning?! i swear, i had been planning this post for months, didn't know this would happen at right this moment. May, huh? fucking month of May...Jeopardy... not to mention Dana Perino will be on there, too...





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TNH: IMPERFECTLY

*CLICKY CLICKY*


click on my love, sweet and mangled for you to suck on, to close the series forever



proceed with the following link, use this link to capture the one you love, time is running out, your end is nigh, there are only five more blog days left, five more days worth of computer space for you to vanquish your vanity, quell your demons, and begin becoming a human for the first time. go, young buck, carry this link to battle, the war for her heart, the war for your soul, the war for your place at the star table:



CLICK HERE FOR THE MAGICAL LINK





CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT






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TMIT: M IS FOR MASTURBATION

pic 4 from the top: last night...

pic 11 from the top: what i used last night...

DIAL M FOR MURDER...DIAL M FOR MASTURBATION


love how sex and culture are mixed and combined, i agree, you can't have one without the other ("love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a ")

1. how often do you masturbate? i masturbate more than i breathe, i masturbate more than my heart takes a beat every second

2. what are you doing to celebrate Masturbation Month? living, just living my life...

3. do you like to watch your partner masturbate?
a) yes, it turns me the hell on
b) it gets my partner froggy
c) no, it's as boring as my life
d) total turn-off
e) never had such an experience, do tell

again, i'm pretending that i have a partner here, i'm operating under false pretenses, which my psychiatrist says is a dangerous no-no for me, but here goes: of COURSE i want my babe of a girlfriend to jill off, that's fucking hot as hell, and it's, like, healthy, too, right? but mostly it's hot as fucking hell!!! baby, go for it, attack that moist cunt with your fingers, let me slurp up all of your juices, better than morning coffee

4. do you let your partner watch you masturbate?
a) i get a funny feeling in my pants when i'm watched
b) sometimes, it gets my babe aroused
c) embarrassing RED FACE!!!
d) i'm an experience-virgin

early and often...i figure why not be comfortable around each other...the more comfortable, the better and hotter the sex...now when we start getting into golden showers and the brown stuff, stuff like that, well, let's just say that i better know your last name for that stuff...i once called a woman i was seeing a hot bitch while we were fucking...Carrie, baby, i'm sorry...call me...my phone works now

5. mutual masturbation, yay or nay? SPRAY

6. Masturbate-a-thon 2012, if you had an all-expenses-paid ticket to go there to San Fran, would you go and masturbate the hell out of the place? sure, it's near my loner apartment, so why not? plus, some of my best friends are masturbators...

bonus: are you addicted to masturbating? :) :D ;) :P ;P :O XD .....um, no *sheepish grin*





CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY







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KENTUCKY DERBY GAME, ANYONE CAN PLAY

PONIES!!! the Ponies are here! yeah! my fellow bronies, we meet in secret 'cause society can't accept us, but i humbly ask you to...wait...what? wrong index card? wrong crowd? *looks out at cyberspace* oh...

um, tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby, so of course that means another sports game from yours truly that anyone, and i mean ANYONE who lives on this planet, can play.


FIRST, CLICK HERE FOR THE LIST OF 21 HORSES WHO WILL RACE TOMORROW

simply choose the horse that you think will win the race, it's your prediction. the real actual winner of the game is the one who correctly chooses the actual winner of the Kentucky Derby race tomorrow afternoon. easy, huh? look at the comments box below and make sure you don't choose a horse that another person has chosen, for then the whole game aspect of it dies. now, if nobody chooses the correct winning horse, there are a whole lotta legal issues involved as to who wins, we'll let the lawyers discuss that while we party with cheap red wine and whine.

since comments seem to be the commodity in this blog world, the winner will receive THREE FREE COMMENTS from me at your blog place. this is a steal, folks, i'm giving away 3 of my carefully-crafted comments, thought-up to provide for you and your family maximum comedy, all for the low low price of nothing, 0% down. if i win, well, i have ways of entertaining myself with my comments...

you all know my history with this particular game, right? for the last two years, i've picked the morning-line favorite to win, and both times, THAT horse was scratched THE DAY OF THE RACE!!! so basically i haven't had a viable choice that i watched actually run those brilliant two minutes for awhile now. here's to changing luck. this time, i WON'T go for the favorite, won't be the chalk man, i'm going purely by the way a certain name hits me. DULLAHAN, baby, that's mine. thanks to the fine folks at adult swim, one of my favorite animes of late is DURARARA, and my favorite character, everyone's favorite character, is the sexy Dullahan named Celty. you go, girl, go on Celty with your skin-tight black catsuit hugging those drooling curves and dat phat ass, that cat-ears yellow helmet that hides the fact that you have black smoke billowing out where your head should be, a-cha-cha, just the right amount of sex and macabre for this late phoenix. go on with your bad-ass self, girl, kicking butt and taking names later by typing them into your cell-phone handheld computer keyboard thingy and fucking up bad guys with a swipe of your scythe.

thanks for playing and i'll see all you guys tomorrow...







HAPPY DERBY DAY, MY BABIES!!!!!!!




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TNH: EVOLVE DOWN

*CLICKY CLICKY*


click on what was discovered on the masterpiece after art historians painstakingly removed layers of dust...for #3 in the series



NOW, CLICK HERE TO START THINGS OFF, START THE CHAIN OF EVOLUTION ROLLING


i have evolved, my gods are more attuned to today's ironic internet culture, i eat my god with parmesan cheese, garlic bread, and white wine, i have evolved, i was formed from a lizard, or a pebble or something, a pebble which was once a part of a space rock floating around that once formed a spaghetti strand, a flying spaghetti strand, monster is a relative term, i have evolved, i no longer walk around the park with no pants on, i no longer make yellow in the shadows, now i wear a tie and make white with my impatient lover in the shadows, i am a man of society, i can be accepted by my peers, no art critic's ranty reviews will bring me down, i have evolved, i came from nothing, i am nothing, and nothing i shall return, but i am evolved enough to know i shall rest on the bosom of my Creator, i shall be twirled up by the tines of a fork and eaten, i have evolved





CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT






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