Peewit: come on, man, there's gotta be SOMETHING you like about the monastery.
Bede: the long skinny bonfires we have at night that reach up to the sky's ceiling. mostly i like impressing other men with my cooking skills.
Peewit: very Jack Tripper.
Jack Tripper: ramen men are best men.
Bede: see this kitchen, Peewit? this kitchen is ALL MINE, buddy boy. here's where i infuse my culinary creations with my own sauce and God's help. i like it when the other monks have an orgasmic reaction to my food, i mean that is all we're gonna get in here.
Peewit, farting into his Linus blanket: i gotta say, that is one smart-looking Dutch Oven.
Bede: it's the color of powder blue like Kurt Cobain's electric guitar. Kurt dropped it off himself.
Peewit: and topped off himself. are you mandolin'ing the pumpkins?
Bede: check.
Peewit: as your musical accompaniment to your cooking, do you want me to play my flute or my lute?...
Bede: speaking of, the witches are coming over this morning. i said witches, not bitches.
Peewit: the nuns.
Doryce and Gladyce arrive from thin air.
Doryce: greetings and black magic to you all.
Gladyce: we see a lot of gourds and corn on the doorsteps of all you guys' cells but no pumpkins.
Bede: we don't celebrate Halloween up here.
Peewit: if he did, he'd do it '80s-style with a REAL candle inside the jack-o'-lantern.
Bede: we celebrate Harvest. the monks use all these corn-on-the-cobs as their vibrators.
Doryce: monk buttholes? sorry, i tend to pry. vibrator virtue can be a thing.
Gladyce: dears, we carve in a way to which you may not be accustomed.
Bede: and custom is everything.
Gladyce: we use our long sharp pointy witch nail instead of a knife. we carve pumpkins into jackess-o'-lanterns with Samhain carvings, not Halloween carvings.
Doryce: Halloween is for amateurs.
Bede: now i'm craving a carving. she said jackess, not jackoff, Peewit, don't get excited.
Peewit putting on a jacket: Johnny Knoxville is my hero.
Bede: Dennis Donohue? you're in here? you're a monk? makes sense.
Dennis Donohue: how?
Bede: you're Santa Claus without the beard.
Dennis Donohue: Santa is old hat. old Santa hat. i want to be known as a true liberal changer of the world.
Phil Donahue: you'll never get there. you're fat me. you're Fat Phil Donahue. I was the one who upgraded the Cesar Chavez Library and gave every public-school student a library card. people who look like other people but are fat, on the next Donahue...
KFC: we've never really done a Halloween promotion...
John Lennon: nothing box.........not Yoko.
the Ice King from Adventure Time: Ice Roast, why didn't NesCafe have this cool drink around during my reign?
NesCafe: the coffee you drink while playing Nintendo...
Erik ten Hag: i now have the time to pursue my dream job: working at Erik's DeliCafe...
Charles Barkley: don't blame me for your puny Subway sub, i ate all the meat but ghost-pepper bread gives me gas.
Goku Midnight Eye, Episode 1.
Yoko: so i live in an apartment complex where we have rooms but no stairs...
naked Yoko: sucking on cigarettes is not the same as sucking on tits.
assassin: but, how did you?...
Goku: sorry, baby, i started watching cartoon episodes of Aeon Flux on MTV...
villain: i have to see a man about a carpet, a man called Lebowski.
Goku: now THAT's a waterfall.
"Fighting in the Danger": the ultimate Pole Position level, night stage...
AI: you don't have to change the world, just get a rinky-dink computer...
Mary Hart: i'm behind home plate at Yankee Stadium. you can't see me because i'm wearing a black Gore-Tex coat...
at 7-Eleven.
Splenda: try salt...
Jean-Luc Picard: yes, put salt in your tea.
Kurt Cobain: i know what the real nirvana is. i know how to achieve it, how to get there, how to go there and stay there.
Bede: how? as a monk i'm lost.
Kurt: combine every single Slurpee flavor into one magical rainbow slush.
Bede: isn't that just brainfreeze?
Peewit is showering in the monastic shower.
Peewit: i'm telling you it was a sign!!! a holy sign!!! a sign from above!!!
Bede: what'd you see?
Peewit: on the soap tray stuck to the tile of the monastery shower, the soap was carved in such a way that it looked like a Playstation 2 controller. i'm the demographic for this!!! i'm an 18-year-old college student from Medieval times. PS2 is my fave system!!!
naked Link: not the Roman Catholic system? catechism? my tiny hearts are broke in half.
Bede: this wasn't witches' work, it was just the happenstance of the soap deteriorating in such a way that it melted in that shape. the happenstance of God, that shape could be anything. let go of that memory, kid, thinking about video games in here is a recipe for dark disappointment and heraldic heartbreak.
Teri Garr: Mr. Mom? Young Frankenstein? Tootsie? no, SNL coffee, look it up...
Lorne Michaels: Java Junkie, back when SNL used to do shortform films rather than skits.
Louise Lasser: nobody saw MY SNL shortform film...
Anthony Richardson: sleep deprivation is a real thing.
Andrew Luck: that's why i retired.
Anthony Richardson: this is all YOUR fault.
Ear Horn: what happened to courtship? what happened to romance on a train? what happened to the Frank Sinatra song "Witchcraft"?...
Frank Sinatra: why wasn't my song "Witchcraft" in Bell, Book, and Candle?...
Kim Novak: because you're not my type.
Aaron Judge: Yankees on the brink.
Shohei: of an enormous new discovery?
Aaron Judge: of elimination.
Shohei: i'm a happy-go-lucky anime man. i see the bright side of life.
Alfred Hitchcock: The Pride of the Yankees, one of my films, right?...
Lili Estefan: El Gordo y La Flaca has won Emmys.........you're thinking about Knight of Cups right now...
Jackie Fitzgerald: aren't you glad it's me at your door and not Dan Casagrande at your door?
Ariana Araiza: orange dress or black dress for Halloween? orange, so you can see my curves.
coffee: it's bad for your cough, it's in the name.
Bede starts to cry like a flagellating Medieval saint.
Peewit: why you crying? come on, man, the universe doesn't give a fuck about your life or my life.
Bede: this is not how it was supposed to go down. the powder-blue Kurt Dutch Oven, i'm not using it to bake a Brazilian buffet, i'm using it to catch all the DRIP DRIP DRIPs of the leaking cell ceiling roof of the kitchen above.
Peewit: oh that's my bad, bro, i think that's MY shower.
Bede punches a hole in the wall of the food cell.
Bede: DAMN it, man. this SUCKS. why is my life THIS?!!! I'M FUCKING SUFFOCATING IN HERE!!!
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