MONASTIC COMPLETION: EVERYTHING MUST GO

 

 

Gallivant: so you wanna go out sometime?

Bede: on a date?

Gallivant: this place sucks. there's nothing to do here. why did i become a monk? 

Bede: i feel trapped.

Gallivant: plus this monastery is filthy. nobody dusts. which monk's vows were to dust?

Bede: you have a weird beard, Brother Gallivant, your hippie beard irritates me.

Gallivant: but you have a beard. you're just jealous of my curly hair.

Bede, Peewit, Gallivant, and Gargamel attend the concert inside the Sphere in Las Vegas. Queensryche are headlining but that doesn't stop Geoff Tate from introducing a special secret guest to come up on stage with him to do a duet: Ed from the band Live.

Geoff Tate: we have to acknowledge that our "Promised Land" sounds like Live's "Iris".

Ed Kowalczyk: but which song came first?

Geoff: we're both '90s bands, it's all good.

SUDDENLY a completely naked Gargamel bumrushes the stage and lets the entire Sphere audience see his Medieval penis. the crowd goes wild. Gargamel just stands there in the center of the stage under the hot screen lights wearing nothing but pixie boots on his feet and his trademark goofy grin, meditating with his eyes open.

the fellas get back from Vegas to the monastery with sweaty stories and a newfound energy for life.

Ed in a monk robe: and Live.

Bede pounding the table: speak, Gal!!!

Gallivant: i had my first ghost poo. it was spiritual.

Bede: how long did you wait in the line for the bathroom at the Sphere?

Gallivant: a year.

Steve Ballmer in a monk robe: there were bathrooms?

Peewit: the music over there charged me with spirit but i just gotta say, don't want to spoil the mood but i have a quibble, i didn't appreciate Bede buying me a Gargamel T-shirt at the gift shop.

Bede: they were the only shirts available at the Queensryche/Live concert...

Peewit: but why?

Gargamel: can i continue being naked inside the monastery?

Bede: there's no exact rule against it, the rules are lax up here, nobody sees us up here, we're unregulated, we can pretty much do what we want. be naked, Gargamel. be naked, bro, the Pope says she's okay with it.

Gargamel: call me Brother Gargamel.

Gargamel goes around the room and gives a naked high-five to Bede, Gallivant, and Peewit.

 

Lili Estefan: i'm bilingual. i speak spicy Spanish and unlike Kathie Lee Gifford i speak fluent English.

Kathie Lee Gifford: i got a kinda drunk, spicy-eye Southern twang going on.

Lili: Gloria Estefan taught me English. and how to grow.

Jackie Fitzgerald: it's kinda hard to welcome trick-or-treaters when you have a large sliding iron-wrought wooden gate around your house...

Jackie Fitzgerald: Carmel is a dud. i'm done with Carmel. i need REAL ROMANCE. i'm going to Costa Rica for 10 days. Spanish men, you know?

Tupac: in the city of L.A., in the city, city of baseball, we keep it rockin', we keep it rockin'...

Super Mario: on a Halloween night there is nothing SCARIER than a raccoon who can lift and open the lid of your trash bin...

raccoon: i'm spooky. i'm not like Ranger Rick or Shirt Tales...

Goku Midnight Eye, Episode 2.

Goku: please tell me you're Yoko.

Ryoko: no, but we'll meet again in Cowboy Bebop...

Bonnie: i'm the Cyndi Lauper of this '80s anime...

Goku: i'll follow my nose, i'm setting my eye to Froot Loops Mode.

Goku to Ryoko: your brother's ozone footprints.

Turbo: he's not a better dancer than me.

Goku: watch this.........i turned off ALL the lights in Tokyo.

Ryoko: so your eye is The Clapper?

ComicsOne: we've abandoned our website, stopped paying our bills, and disappeared.

Goku: so this SUMPTUOUSLY ELABORATE SETUP was all for just TWO episodes?!!!...

Homeaglow.

blonde woman: we FIRED our housekeeper.

Melissa Maker: but why are you so happy about this?

Jerry Seinfeld in Monterey: March is for merch...

Mr. Roper: cold? me? oh you, are you cold this winter? get swallowed in a large marshmallow, i'll lend you my big-ass HEAVY white down-comforter blanket. 

Zoe Saldana: ...

Mr. Roper: don't get hot-cocoa stains on it, Helen would have a fit, she's the one who does the cleaning...

Tyrone Power: John Stamos is my son. i birthed John Stamos...

Instagram: it's cold. it's just a bunch of pictures and videos. no one talks.

the election: the ruiner of Halloween moods every four years since 1776.

Whopper Jr.: it's just gonna taste bad like a Whopper, right?...

Eye Luggage: your first concert was Nine Inch Nails?!!! 

Julie Patzwald: yeah. i can't explain it. i was just cool from the start.

Eye: picture the Mona Lisa as a goth.

Julie: she already has that non-smile smile...

John O'Brien: i made one too many chocolate puddings at 4AM...

Gin Blossoms: the band looks like we're all on an episode of Friends...

Uzumaki: maybe this would have worked if it were more like Shibori...

Jillian Clare: i'm studying tsundoku at Cornell...

Angela Aguilar: i'm Eva Longoria.........but young.

Eva Longoria: but have you been to Mexico AND Spain, missy?!!!...

Sarah: you know what real love is? buying the wax paper.

George Kraw from PBS: i have the most tender eyes a man has ever had.

Kurt Cobain: save a shot for me.........a shot glass of my favorite vermouth. Halloween is the time for spirits.........the time to drink as many spirits as humanly possible in one day...

Peewit: come on, man, can't i be a monk with you? can't i stay with you in your bedroom cell? 

Bede: like prison buddies?

Peewit: yeah, like roach roommates. 

Bede: the whole point is to be alone. 

Peewit: man, i'm gonna see if i can become a BUDDHIST monk!!! they don't have these completion contracts and wacky cut-off years.

Bede: *heavy sigh* fine, i'll see what i can do. you can stay here secretly for a couple of days. then, you sleep in the monastery shower at night.  

Peewit: can you call me Brother Peewit?

Bede: not yet.

Peewit: why you crying?

Bede: i'm thinking back to the time we had at the Sphere in Las Vegas. that was amazing. that was fucking amazing. that was an existentialist experience. Catholics cannot commit Existentialism, it's a sin. i've been to the outside world before but this concert was something else, it seeped into my soul like syrup.

Peewit: glaze without blaze.

Bede: i'm reconsidering everything. i made a huge mistake. it's like when you're stuck in prison and it finally HITS you. i can't get out. i'm in it for the long haul. in it till the completion.

Peewit: in it to win it, bro.

Bede: for the rest of my life i'm gonna wake up and not have the faintest foggiest notion of what the fuck i should be doing with my life...