CRESSET: A SPOONFUL OF SILENCE

 

it's quiet. so quiet. not the good Bjork kind of quiet. the field stretches to infinity. and the silence lasts.

me: it's an apocalypse. but you know during an apocalypse you still want to play a video game or two.

i retrace my steps to see if i can make it back to the library. i do but it's a double-edged sword, the downtown Carmel cute sidewalks and boutique streets are familiar but empty. there isn't a soul around anymore. the trees betray their loneliness as the wind shakes their limbs and leaves. all the shoppes are not shuttered, their glass doors are open wide, welcoming in any ghosts who may decide to show their foot.

the buses are on time, the spirit buses spiriting invisible folks away to the afterlife, where hopefully things are heard again.

in a hurricane-ravaged small studio in Florida, Michael Stipe of R.E.M. is putting the finishing touches on his Kurt tribute song "Let Me In" off Monster. 

Michael Stipe: this one's for you, Kurt Cobain, i hardly knew ye. which is to say i knew you so well i'm now your daughter Bean's father.

Michael Stipe douses Kurt Cobain's powder-blue electric guitar in cold melted butter, getting cold melted butter on all his fingers before he starts strumming, and adjusting the mic to his mouth, he pushes RECORD...

Ernest P. Worrell: i'm Pee-wee Herman for the South...

me: my throat is so parched, i'd do anything for one last drop of Shirley Temple 7 Up on my tongue.

Jerry Cantrell: you like alligator swamps?

Lana Del Rey: ...

Jerry Cantrell: i know a boggy depot...

Lana Del Rey: it's just a phase i'm going through...

Bindi Irwin: i'm not into your music.

Lana Del Rey: Taylor Swift?

Bindi: bring my dad back, lady...

Lana: how? 

Bindi: get a stingray tattoo on your butt, aren't you a witch?

Damon Albarn: Blur wasn't as big because we came out at the exact same time as Nirvana.

Kurt Cobain: look at us, we could be brothers. do you wear eyeglasses you don't need?

Damon: yes. that's what all eyeglasses are.

Kurt: i wish Nirvana's songs were short like Blur's songs. what electronica band would i be in?

Damon: Humanz. you're on Farfisa keyboards, Mordecai from Regular Show sings, Andy Warhol on Dreamachine and pushing buttons, William S. Burroughs on Moog drums, and Stan Lee does all the artwork.

Jars of Clay: would we have been a bigger rock band if we had incorporated more shamisen and kalimba?...

The Lathe of Heaven, PBS, 1980.

Margaret Avery and Bruce Davison in bed.

Margaret Avery: you are getting sleepy. you are getting heavy. especially your eyelids. but not that thing where you wake up but your body doesn't.

Bruce Davison: why are you talking that way? are we having sex?

Margaret: no, i'm recording the Calm app. you will dream naked and wake up well. we'll squeeze into a large mustard LEGO car and drive off. the aliens are Plan 9 from Outer Space aliens.

Margaret Avery and Bruce Davison in bed.

Bruce: Margaret, my beautiful wife. it wasn't a dream.

Jen R: that is YOUR dream when it comes to me.

me: *gulp*

Bruce: can we have sex?

Margaret: are these sheets metallic?

Bruce: but like, i was thinking, can we have, like, Foxy Brown sex?

Margaret: damn, man. well okay, white boy, do your thing. go for it, really get DEEP inside, this is your only chance in this dystopia. when a man sucks my butthole out, that's when i know it's true love. it's real, not a dream. go on, spread them cheeks, i got enough butt for the both of us.

Bruce: your butt is so big it covers my face and my gray face.

Margaret: both your heads. PBS is walking a tightrope, they are the arbiters of culture but they have to know that it's not real sci-fi unless there's a sex scene...

Kevin Conway: my Dr. Haber acting performance in this is a masterpiece, but i'm still only known as the Outer Limits voice...

Ringo: the Beatles song "With a Little Help from My Friends" as sung by Randy Newman...

Jack Tripper in the junque shoppe: oh my dystopian god, whoa, the Lathe of Heaven ending is the live-action version of the Flight of Dragons ending!!! 

Margaret: i'm not here to pawn.........away my future...

robot: you have time for a 15-minute eat break. the best humans don't push to ponder the larger questions...

Margaret: PBS's version of Coffy is Doctor Who tea...

Bruce: speaking of, can i take you to dinner?

Margaret: lead the way.

Bruce: dinner is a hot dog.

Margaret: served by a COOL-LOOKING vacuum robot.

Bruce: beautiful.

Margaret: yeah. but you can really slip on these steps with waterfalls...

Boc: going on an Autumn walk to get 6 bananas and a jug of apple juice is one of life's great joys.

Ian Curtis: one of life's great known pleasures.

the Kraken: i'm the oldest dinosaur...

CitiCar: the best electric car. the best way to deliver the mail...

me: in my dream we're all at church after having watched an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway, the old-skool one with Drew Carey. the rows are full on the other side but on this side in the rows are Sarah Palin in sweatpants and me.

Jen R: let me take it from here, if you can fuck Sarah Palin and get her to come to your side, she is the ultimate get.

me: yeah that's the thing, the only thing i'm worried about are my arguments. what flowery language can i use, what psychological soundness can i offer, to convince her. i list 10 things that make Sarah Palin become a Democrat.

Boc: going DEEP inside your butt with your scratching hand WHILE using your water-flosser, that's bliss. everyone should experience that.

Marianne Crebassa: if Amelie got out of her introvert shell and became an opera singer...

Orajel: yeah i mean you really just need a root canal...

Lyle Alzado: my '80s American Gladiators name WOULD have been Kyle...

Suzy Lu: doing my box in, not vulgar, Scottish.

Super Mario: do you understand at last?

me: i finally do.

Super Mario: you have to leave the recycling bin ON THE STREET, that's the only way my claw can elevator it up into the truck trash pile. if you leave it on the sidewalk...

me: you know Inspector Gadget?...

Adalia from Australia: there are benefits to waking up early...

me: oh what a BLESSING!!! congratulations to you and the baby!!! newborns, new magic.

Adalia: no the kid's still baking in the oven. i was talking about the Vaporwave Northern Lights that happen in the middle of October Australian nights. this kid ain't kicking, he's skateboarding up down and around in my tummy.

me: that kid's gonna be an elite skateboarder like you.

Adalia: you know how it is, "pregnancy sleep..."

me: and once again everyone is so far away. too far away...

the quiet has entered my brain and i am driven crazy. i'm at the Penitentes ice mountains. the snow spikes. i traveled the whole soft silent world on foot. my Stussy S Roman-mosaic coffee mug is buried in the ice but it's clear ice so i can see that it's deep enough that i can never have coffee again to slake my hot thirst. 

me: PLEASE!!! i'll do anything for another SOUND!!! frozen immovable ice, trapping music notes and only stories. surely these slippery Penitentes mountains have harrowing sob stories through the ages to tell. whisper them in my ear. no, SHOUT them to the heavens!!!

with my mittened arms to the frozen air i exclaim: i just want the world to say SO MUCH WASTED TIME!!!