Jean-Luc Picard: think back. what song do you think of when you think of your high school years?
Botic: i don't want to think about high school, those were lean times for me, terrible times.
Jean-Luc: good memories or bad memories, you can't stay away from your past self.
Botic: that entire Smash album from The Offspring.
Jean-Luc: yeah. "Keep Em Separated" was an original but "Self Esteem" was just a Nirvana ripoff.
Botic: and you?
Jean-Luc, singing: EVEN FLOW
Botic: that's a good voice on you, did you do Broadway at Oxford?
Jean-Luc: i am sorry for the deception, that wasn't true, i was trying to be popular. it was Poison for me, i truly thought that band would be what Nirvana ended up being.
Mudhoney: tell us about it.
Jean-Luc: sure, "Unskinny Bop" was for the corporates and degenerates but "Something to Believe In" became my religion, and i'm a spaceman.
Gabe Kotter at Round Table Pizza: suit of armor in the corner. i wore that exact suit of armor to a 1971 costume party at Peter Parker's place where i met my wife Julie.
Julie Kotter: i was dressed as naked, that suit of armor came in handy.
Gabe: that suit of armor was handsy. Queensryche are from Queens, New York, i saw their first show.
Geoff Tate: more like Queens, Seattle. that was Jerry Seinfeld's first show. we're not sick, we don't need to go to the hospital. everybody thinks we're from Canada. we don't know Rush.
Bridget Lancaster: spread your love around.........i was talking about the butter...
Dragon Balls: you think the Dragon Balls are the size of cantaloupes, but they're more like marbles...
Obama: remember during my presidency when everyone would drop what they were doing to watch each and every one of my speeches on TV? each and every word of mine would be listened to, even on dry tax policy. for the speechcraft. to be inspired. to be lifted up. don't get over your rock now. you still gotta vote. VOTE. Rock the Vote, let's get back to '90s MTV.
Tabitha Soren: remember when i would tell you to vote in my soft voice and you'd do it? you voted for Bill Clinton, remember? Perot was on the ballot, you had three choices, not two. and then later that night you watched a new episode of Aeon Flux...
mom: nursing home? but they have Skittles, right?...
Bud Cort: your usual manifest spot is now just your Brewster McCloud recollection spot...
the sun: i hate orange...
Halloween: chocolate is out, gummies are in.
Jen R: THOSE gummies.
Hollyrock-a-Bye Baby.
Pebbles: YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!
Bamm-Bamm: but Pebs, you were the one who wanted to fuck.
Pebbles: i'm not being hormonal, i am genuinely being driven crazy by my parents.
Bamm-Bamm: it's okay, babe, we have each other. it's we two vs. the world. the sugarcubes thing, i'll write the Bjork Lifetime Movie.
Lars von Trier: can i have a hand with that?...
Pebbles: salad? this is all wrong. if i eat salad instead of brontoburgers and Fruity Pebbles cereal during my pregnancy, the baby will come out deformed.
Fred Flintstone: worry not, Pebbley-Poo, you'll be burping out that baby in no time.
Pebbles: that's not how it works, dad.
Pebbles: a draft? but if the baby's bassinet is not by the window, he can't look out and dream of escaping this hick town to live his dreams.
Trent Reznor: it's like me and the cornfields. i was born in a wicker cot in Medieval times, i had a straw rattle...
bassinet: you think it's where the baby takes a bath...
Trent Reznor: i played Judas in my 7th Grade production of Jesus Christ Superstar...
Mary Hart: i wouldn't mind getting stuck in the tar with him.
John Tesh: me?
Mary Hart: no, Fernando Valenzuela. R.I.P., slugger. best pitcher.
me: Fernando Valenzuela was my hero. not my baseball hero, my hero.
Jen R: you look up to the sky whenever you drive a car.
Dwight Gooden: when you start a car, look up to Heaven.
Fernando Valenzuela: life is so short. it is so so short. so little time on this precious Earth, the Mexican dunes. was it all worth it to be the only Mexican with a no-hitter? i'm looking at Our Lady of Guadalupe's face right now and she's nodding at me.
Pati Jinich: bull testicles? i'm not making this back home with my son Juju...
Jack Tripper: there is nothing more beautiful than carrying your wife's big duffel bag along with you as you attend her Lamaze class with her at the hospital at night.
Clair Huxtable: the glow of the hospital lobby at night, the pink papers pinned to the bulletin board, the basket of bread on the oval nurses station.
Clair Huxtable: i'm uppity? no, child, i'm rich but i'm normal.
Aaron Rodgers: the Jets are in the fire. i liked it better when it was just me in the shadows.
Jack Tripper: take a Lamaze class, see how the other half lives, this is what men who live real lives do, it reminds me of when i went to night school for cooking.
Pebbles: give Aaron Rodgers an apple the size of a beach ball, the apples i eat now, and see how he feels...
Ex-President Bump at McDonald's: E. coli in the slivered onions of Quarter Pounder with Cheeses? did my administration do anything about that?...
Pence: no, you just ordered from there a lot.
Catherine Tate: no more Quarterbacks with Cheese!!! no more dandy boys like Tom Brady. we need Tony Blair out there on that handegg field wearing one of those cheeky fashionable Ab Fab Guardian Caps on his tiny Tony head.
Tony Blair: why does my phone fart when there's a call?
Stefanos Tsitsipas: i want Christian Bale playing me in the movie, okay?
Christian Bale: win a major first, mate.
lioness on the Skeleton Coast: this is the REAL Lion King.
the NFL Plus Know-It-All: no, i'm not a sassy Encyclopedia Brown, i'm the Nerd from Robot Chicken in real life...
Botic: you should come up with me to the mountain cabin, escape your troubles.
Jean-Luc Picard: nah, all that mountain air makes me sick. i prefer the no air of space.
Botic: what's your deep dark nightmare about yourself navigating through life?
Jean-Luc: and a fine navigator i am. fine. i'll tell you. raccoons. racoons give me such a fright. a raccoon lifted the lid of my trash bin and shredded all the trash bags inside.
Botic: it was the smell of Depends.
Jean-Luc: i don't know how he did it but the varmint opened the dang lid!!!
Botic: come on, man, you gotta relax. what do you use to relax?
Jean-Luc: Dubble Bubble. a tub of Dubble Bubble, i climb into that tub naked and have a bath.
Botic: remember Certs?
Jean-Luc: FUCK YEAH Certs!!!
Botic: that double-mint in the hole.
Jean-Luc: like my first wife. that was my mint, that was my jam, my raspberry-ripple Certs, that was my covid lozenge. they discontinued Certs just as covid was starting. why? they could've helped. my favorite Certs flavor was bubblegum.
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