Bede: it's atmospheric-river season, i feel it in my bones.
Brother Bede looks out this grey morning to the yonder yonder. beyond the last peek of peak of hill. his cell in the monastery is a treehouse, it's on top of a spiraling oak tree on the furthest left flank.
Bede: it's like i'm this monastery's last line of defense, its common sense, its turret. i better get the awning up, looks like rain. my doorsill is either slippery from rain or my morning masturbation cum.
he receives a telephone call in his office, which is his bed.
Bede: Eterna monastery, Bede speaking, you're lucky i'm not taking a vow of silence. what? you're the nuns from our sister convent over the hill? well come on over and let's have a Mr. Roper party!!! how come we've never seen you guys before? oh yeah, we're both monasteries.
Abbotess Triangle: the connection here is bad. religious phone lines are notoriously unreliable. what i was TRYING to say before i was so rudely cut off is we had nothing to do with the voter fraud.
Bede: there's an election going on? i don't give a fuck about the world anymore.
Triangle: how can it be voter fraud when we don't get the chance to vote!!! we're orphaned from the voting process because we're nuns!!! they figure we wouldn't be interested in something as worldly as politics. ugliness is on the inside, too, i know this for a fact. anyway i'm sending over two of our best nuns, Doryce and Gladyce, to you guys' place to do a little Halloween decorating, Lord knows you could use the spruce.
Bede: are they witches?
Triangle: yes.
Bede: perfect for Halloween.
Kurt Cobain pulls up in his powder-blue Porsche. he hits the town-square well of the monastic village in the middle clearing of the castle.
Bede: what do you want, Shaggy? i'm busy.
Kurt Cobain: doing what? i'm not driving while on pot, i did that deliberately. i broke through the wall of this place with a well. wellness check. water is your only way out.
Bede: water will set me free? come on, man, who are you, Free Willy?
Kurt: i just came up to visit your lonely soul and to drop off this silky dishwasher.
Bede: yes, i've heard about this dishwasher, the one with the silky gel pacs. community dishwasher, what a piece of shit. we're monks, we're supposed to be washing and drying our dishes with our rugged hands.
Kurt: where do you want it?
Usagi from Sailor Moon: put it in my cell, in the middle of my bedroom for some reason during the Christmas episode...
Kurt: how do you do this? what is your future?
Bede: we monks are trained not to think in terms of the future. it is LITERALLY just what's in front of you TODAY. tomorrow is a firefly. thinking about the future is depressing.
Kurt: i never had a future. and my past was short.
Bede: my past is mossy.
me: i was always scared of the weekend.
A&W: the R&B drink.
Lili Estefan: El Gordo y La Flaca preempted all week for the World Series?!!! that fucking sucks!!! i get it tho, i understand, béisbol por cultura.
Marcello Hernandez: ...
Ingmar Bergman: my movies are Halloween fare all year round...
Reynolds Wrap: you only use me for pizza...
Leslie Sbrocco: but i never traveled to East Asia, you know? i never traveled to a truly EXOTIC place.
Bede, petting: hey boy. who's a good boy.
the new monastery dog is a Rough Collie named Carny.
Bede: i named him Carny, short for Reincarnated. a little Catholic-clapback humor there.
Carny: yes i'm a Rough Collie like Lassie. like Lassie i've had a rough life. what's it like being a monastic dog? i don't want to be free from sin, i want to be free from fleas. tonight's the special moon, i've invited the fellas over to witness it. these guys are sheltered indoor cats, they've never experienced the moon ONCE!!!
later that night, at midnight, three cats---Greykid, Trinity, and Talia---are experiencing the full moon for the first time in their lives.
all three cats howl at the moon.
Talia: that was an experience.
Greykid: i'm freaking out, man.
Trinity: why is Ms. Moon teasing me so tonight?
Carny: you got her on her good day, normally she's the skinniest of slivers. you sexy sliver.
Ms. Moon: i gotta watch my weight to attract the fellas so they holler at me...
City Guys: if Degrassi was on network TV...
City Guys: i feel like our theme song should be The Jets "Crush on You..."
Obama to the crowd: it's not every day the man from the commercials is at your doorstep.
Dan Casagrande: ...
Obama: and it's not a fun occasion like his fun commercials with the dog, Reverse Man Dan is looking to collect, he's like a Medieval Black Plague taxman Grim Reaper.
Goku Midnight Eye, Episode 1.
Goku: no shirt, vest, skinny tie...
Suzy Lu: Goku, my favorite character.
Steve Blum: it hurts the audience to see me behaving like a cad and having a potty mouth. i'm TOM. i'm Steve Blum, remember? i'm the good guy.
Goku: ballrocker earthquakes, like the World Series one in San Francisco. like the one we JUST HAD...
stripper: ride me like a motorcycle.........literally.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: don't call any other woman you work with "baby," i'm Motoko Kusanagi.
peacock-feather eyes: the Vaporware purple hypnotizes...
Goku: don't bend the gun barrel up like this is Looney Tunes or my cock, that ruins the gun. here, just take the gun!!!
Goku: my eye is a microwave now? i don't want to be Steve Austin, i like my Japanese name. i'm a bionic man because i'm a Japanese man. i'm the Six Million Yen Man. oh good, well at least i can still watch my favorite movie: WarGames.
Shohei Ohtani: i'm okay.
Freddie Freeman: don't sell yourself short like that, friend Shohei, you're better than okay, you're a once-in-a-generation baseball player.
Shohei: no, my shoulder injury is okay.
Freddie: wrists are everything...
Shohei: i'm the Say-Hei Kid...
Ice Cube: L.A., motherfucker. Los Angeles. remember? never forget where you come from.
Fernando Valenzuela: here, have some Hot Tamales, i can't give people hotfoot anymore.
Shohei: the tamales or the candies?
Fernando: hotfoot with real matches, that was an '80s thing. pranks at the reservation where i grew up. groundworks. i'm the first Native American to throw a no-hitter...
Fernando Valenzuela: now when i look up, i'm home.
fragile state: a country that's not gonna make it...
Trent Reznor: also, my personality.
Suzy Lu: Stevie Nicks, Garry Shandling, i feel you, i feel you guys DEEPLY. there's gotta be more to life than my Discord...
Eric Wareheim: i was at The Rumble in the Jungle...
Samantha: Thundarr the Barbarian, Ariel, and Ookla were in my kitchen. NOTHING i will ever do in my life henceforth will be as remarkable as this moment. there's only one thing i can do. when i grow up, i'm becoming She-Ra...
Dwayne Wade statue: i was built by the Matrix...
Jules Smith checking the scores on her British Summer Time watch: don't get ahead of yourself...
Peewit from The Smurfs has come to the monastery asking for a BIG FAVOR. he's walked uphill on foot for a very long time.
Peewit: i mean you have to realize one thing, me and the rest of these characters in all these Storybook International television stories, we travel on these dirt Medieval roads BAREFOOT. where's Bede?
Bede: keep it short, i'm busy.
Peewit: hardy har har har, very funny. i'm not tall.
Bede: sorry, dude, the monastery is entering its completion, we're not accepting any new members. we're gonna stick it out with the monks we have already, the monks who brought us here. to this point.
Peewit: that seems stupid.
Bede: i know but i'm not Abbot Butt.
Peewit: but i'm a hard-luck case. Gargamel killed my parents, i have nowhere to go.
Bede: nah, i don't believe that, Gargamel ain't like that, he has a cherubic face. he's a lovable villain, sweet and nice and squeezable inside.
Peewit: you're just jealous, you just want Gargamel's robe.
Bede: that i do. Gargamel's voice reveals his sincerity.
Peewit: what the fuck am i gonna do if i'm not a monk?
Bede: literally ANYTHING else would be more fun.
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