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Jean-Luc Picard: okay, Botulism, i'm gonna hypnotize you now.
Botic: that's Botic.
Jean-Luc: can i call you Body by Jake? he was a funny guy.
Botic: are you a real doctor?
Jean-Luc: ask Bones. i'm a doctor of space.
Botic: don't stroke your beard, it's creepy.
Jean-Luc: lie on the couch and close your eyes. "Rain Closures" by Hello Meteor will pipe through the stereo system above, its dulcet tones will become the air in the room. the music rains down, cascades down, filters down until it becomes the monad in your butt. you are getting sleepy, VERY sleepy.
Botic: but i don't want to sleep. i want to be relaxed, though.
Botic, eyes closed: fine. i'll tell you. my wife has left to go teach her woodshop class at the community center down below. i'm all alone up on the mountain in the late morning, 11AM, it's just me, the dishwasher, and the chirping birds. as i run the dishwasher OH those Finish Powerball Quantum detergent gel pacs are so SILKY, have you noticed this? it's because there are THREE things in that gel pac: the blue powder, the green gel, and the red dot...
Jean-Luc: OH COME ON, MAN!!! SURELY there's a reason why you're avoiding your wife like this!!!...
Carlos Reygadas: i do not look like a young Fidel Castro. if anything i look like Che Guevara. my next film will be about that time the Angel of Independence flashed her tits at Mexico in the square after the earthquake...
milk sponge: Doryce on Thursdays eating cake...
bathroom spray on top of the toilet: use me only for poo, not pee, you gotta save that spray.
new toothbrush: i'm a HARD BLOCK on your gums, i weigh down against your gums, stretching your gums out with every stroke.
Andy Warhol: i made a Super 8 home movie in my factory with my dimestore shoebox camera where the camera is just inside my mouth for 36 minutes...
The Barnyard: there's a small WATCH YOUR STEP sign by the shrub stairs. we didn't have to do that. appreciate that.
Hookah Caterpillar: very Alice in Wonderland-esque.
Berkeley: after the election, come to Berkeley, come over and live in Berkeley, it will be the last island of sanity...
humidifier: don't turn the heat on with me on, we cancel each other out.
the Roman mosaic Stussy S coffee mug: i'm cool to look at but i'm not microwaveable. i know i know, you want to use me for those special drink occasions, but...
Kalimba: we go for it, man. we got clear bongos, synth, and a seashell...
Jillian Clare at the library: books before boys because boys bring babies...
Bob Marley: hemp milk, produces reggae babies.
Nicholas Rowe: as Young Sherlock Holmes i had that face you have never forgotten...
Lou Gish: the nose, the lips, you are Jughead in real life now as a man. a real character-actor chap.
Nicholas Rowe: i could play Bach. i used to have a fat face and curly hair.
Lou Gish: babyfat, it was cute. i played drums on the Smashing Pumpkins' first album...
Alan Cox: why wasn't i Harry Potter?...
Quarter Pounder with Cheese: Salinas slivered onions...
uada: not UEFA...
Obama: don't get narrowcast. it's priced in. priced into the stock. get out the vote. it's about the turnout machine.
Obama: don't get spooky on me now, Dan Casagrande.
*the crowd laughs*
Obama: i mean you're in commercials, Reverse Man Dan, i can't exactly say no to you...
Hollyrock-a-Bye Baby.
Jerry Houser: what about MY distinctive voice?
Alan Reed: if you were in showbiz in the '60s, you were from New York City...
Mammoth Pizza: Bedrock's Fat Slice.
Grandma Slaghoople at the baby shower: it's a rag. i mean it's baby's first clothes.
Open 2+ Hours: a day is 2 hours in prehistoric times...
Jen R: when i was a kid i wanted one of those Flintstones RVs made of rocks so badly.
designer pizza: peanut-butter pizza...
Bamm-Bamm: thanks, dad-in-law, you ruined my life. it took me 30 years to chisel that one copy of my screenplay.
Michelangelo: and it will take you the rest for your life to chisel a second copy. always have two copies of your work...
Barney Rubble: why are we at the Hollywood Bowl, Fred?
Fred Flintstone: i'm here to see Bette Midler, she was very formative in my teen years. Beaches always makes me cry.
mom: that's sweet, Fred calls Wilma's mom mom like i called dad's mom mom.
Poopsy: why is this Dragon Ball pearl a white-painted bowling ball?
gangster: it's covered in my cum, my love for you.
Poopsy: *sigh* fine. but i want a nail file for our anniversary.
Mary Hart: i should have been in Wind-Up Wilma!!!...
tour guide: on your right is a former child star on probation.........remember, this movie is for kids...
Barney in the delivery room with a camcorder: i'm filming the birth for America's Funniest Home Videos!!!
Dino: the kids' names are Steroids and Mouth...
me: R&B always makes me cry.
David Henrie: for some reason the only thing i can do is act in Disney Channel sitcoms about teen wizards...
Sydney Scotia: so obviously i'm from Canada...
Humphrey Bogart: film-noir films are Halloween for adults...
Maria Menounos: i wish i was Lana Del Rey...
Lili Estefan: El Gordo y La Flaca is a dangerous name for a show. the producers wouldn't let me eat cake. not even my own birthday cake.
Raul De Molina: the producers wouldn't let me get emergency lap band surgery, i could have been flaca and healthy 20 years ago...
Boc: walking in the morning is a good thing for insomniacs...
Carmel: do not join the flock...
Boc: why does the crosswalk button start playing Mexican AM radio from the '80s when it's time to go?...
Botic: i think i figured it out. the reason i avoid my wife is because i never want to be the reason Cloris stops being happy. if that means i stop talking to her, stop interacting with her, it's because i'll inevitably do something stupid, be dense, not notice a great thing she did that day, and she'll start to cry, and i never want Cloris to be sad. being happy in this world is impossible now. so i distract myself with buses, bread, and my butt, and whatever else is around, so long as i don't break Cloris. Cloris's happiness is the last best hope of earth.
Jean-Luc: i think that's it, mate. by Jove he's got it!!! because of me you had a breakthrough.
Botic: no no, i figured that out all on my own.
Jean-Luc Picard: so did you see what i was getting at with that whole dishwasher metaphor?
Botic: huh?
Jean-Luc: see you don't have to wash your dirty plates and bowls and pots and pans and tubs of gum with HOT WATER, you can wash them just as well with COLD WATER, even to scrape off caked-on grime. you need not burn your hands.
Botic: but doesn't a dishwasher use hot water?...
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