Friday, April 6, 2018



* it's true. that golf course in Melancholia remains the most mysterious and entrancing plot of land in cinema history. imagine using your putter to bomb a ball 300 feet and then when you go to celebrate you get stuck in a sandtrap which is really a quicksandtrap. that's what it feels like, that's what it's like, moody 3-holes and galactic 5-holes. always play golf at night. let it swallow you with its long stretches of night. not miniature golf, golf. i'm tempted to watch the masterpiece again but i'm afraid i will binge on nothing else the rest of my days. still say, pound-for-pound, edge-to-edge, best movie ever thought up.

* yeah so for last week we decided not to go with the Winona Ryder high-fashion commercial...

* i always liked Hilary Duff's big sister better. she seems somehow cooler, nicer, friendlier, less Hollwood and more Texas.

* also, this is my way of experiencing that Fault In Our Stars phenomena years after the fact. youtube personalities confound me. i was too busy with my nose to the grindstone of a book by the original Bard.

* mazda. zoom zoom. Joe Mazda.

* i feel for millennials. they can't win. if they try they're tryhards. if they laze about they're whiners.

* pink girl: i'm in a wheelchair and i'm a better dancer than you. your haircut is too Army, get yourself a Coast Guard haircut.

* woman pumping herself up in mirror: i'm gonna be the first female kickboxer to kick Conor McGregor's ass. that boy needs to get a lesson stuffed in him.

* flee that nest. things Big Bird would say.

* Llewellyn Sinclair: why you crying?
man who looks like Jesus: preparing for my big part in the sequel to The Last Temptation of Christ.

* man: that was a great big smoochable kiss, i can still taste it.
woman: you're welcome.
man: can you still like my facebook tho?
woman: good bye.
man: we're up 10 stories.
woman: our story is over. i can make the jump.
man: btw i broke my toes on the stairs climbing up here. you're too rough with your hand-dragging.

* drummer boy: am i drumming? am i doing it? is it loud and outrageous and rock n roll? am i Bonham? i have these sick heavy headphones on i can't hear a thing!

* this will be my last selfie. before i get eaten by the largest creature who will ever live in the universe. i went out Pinocchio-style. it was worth it. i'm getting mad hits on my Instagram. even tho i'm dead

* stargazer B: the stars are out tonight! look at those two collide! what's your wish?
stargazer A: those weren't shooting stars. that was the Russian Invincible hitting the North Korean missile. as a favor for and to demonstrate to the U.S.. my wish is that the planet survives a couple more years.

* Japanese sensei: i carved this entire car out of almond butter.

* this Mazda is so magical it will make you a snaking lane completely clear of traffic all for you, while everyone else toils in the back of the standstill freeway. you can speed up to clip the edges as you go 150mph on this barren lush green rocky landscape!

* janitor with grey goatee: hey, clean up the sweat of the locker room! the heroes of our school are hard at work wrestling for glory! you shuffling your socked feet on the greasy floor ain't gonna cut it.
janitor's son: did you say herpes? i agree wth that. i hope all these jocks fail.
janitor with grey goatee: these jocks pay for your McDonalds every night.
janitor's son: I SHALL DANCE!!!

* HANDS UP. still applies when you're on a deserted mountaintop.

* Conor McGregor: you impressed? impressed enough to bellend?
blonde: i dunno. i like crazy. crazy can be hot. but you're a little too crazy.
Conor: i don't know my own pushing strength.
blonde: i'm not really a blonde...

* fly like an eagle. hear that, Rory? eagles. there are no such things as good bogeys.

* is it actually possible to feel dead?



happy weekend, my babies. there. right here. that pic up there. THAT is why i'm rooting for Rory this weekend. full-throated and without design. i want the lad to win. i want that G Slam for him. sponsored by Gatorade. cos he's never forgotten the collapse---both of his Masters and his wedding---these things linger on after you go to sleep. he's gotten slammed in the media, slammed on twitter, and not slammed the way he'd like in bed. this isn't about getting back even with Caroline, number of Slams since-wise. Sour Caroline or any of the tawdry headlines in the Brit press. it's about getting back with Caroline. if he wins this Masters, he's got a feather in his cap to show her when he knocks on her door late at night. they are the OTP. he should have never broken up with her, that was one of the wettest cases of cold feet ever recorded on earth. they were meant to be together, his current wife is a standin. and Rory can definitely take David Lee.......................after a few pubhops.

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