Wednesday, September 28, 2016


hello. my name is Mickey Bump. i don't get many quiet moments so while i have one i'd like to reintroduce myself again to the universe. i have been greatly misunderstood but such is the lot for great minds. i can't feel that great mind anymore by the way cos my head has been pumped with o so much drugs by my father.

Jose: not to mention crazy ideas.

hey, they thought Galileo was crazy.

Jose: have another taco, boss.

not saying i'm in the same league. but i did name a hotel after him. the point is i see clearly. the knife rain is gone. i'm focused and made of concentrate. all my life i've been given what i want. so i don't take no for an answer. i'm not distracted with sounding right...

Jose: *fingers shaped in a megaphone* WRONG!, right and stop interrupting. i see a path and immediately cross the bridge. except there are no more bridges. we stopped building buildings. we got bogged down with twitter talk and no action. i don't care anymore. the time for tough talk is over. i will simply do it. i got the semen for it. thanks Hilary.

Hilary: no problem, take two and call me in the morning in America. i like it back here. nice and quiet. i can study my numbers book.

don't make me break your glasses you nebbish! take a whiff. look outside through the narrow window i slit open. smell that peephole. it's nature. it's the open. when i


even i can be a better man. i'm smart enough to recognize i'm dumb. i may not show it but i want the things you want. i want what i want. i believe in an impossibility called the possible. and do you know how i know it's possible? cos Kevin Garnett said so. i trust a man who knows balls.

wait, is this another drug?

Hilary: it's fine. the finest. it's a statin. worked wonders for me. it's a miracle drug.

i'm catching the man flu from you. but i'll be okay tomorrow. o how precious the morrow.

the Pope: and what of all the women?

i'll get to you. i'm going alphabetically. you can have my sloppy seconds in the interim. take a chill pill. and a captain's wafer and some aged vanilla you've earned it. what can i say? i want what i want. de gustibus non est disputandum.

Jose: que? i don't understand your language. you disparage my country with what you did to her and all the rest.

NO WAY! but honestly, hombre y hombre, bitches be crazy. they say i hate women but that's not true. i hate all women but one. never cared for that whole power dynamic thing. i like the power but i'm not dynamic. i can read body language and yours says you'd rather be at a dentist's appointment.

Jose: you're holding me prisoner against my will. which *sigh internally* used to be illegal. it's just weird that you are walled off here. literally. your office is a rotunda wall, a literal turret, the Irish round tower.

gotta protect myself. that's what happens when the universe hates you. and it does, Codrus told me himself. i built it myself. with just my two large bare hands. no one else bothered. see i like to have dirty hands.

Jose: where'd you find the time? i'm a newsman.

you must make time for the things you cherish. brick by brick. solid. but there's board games and stuff to keep us indoors. Adventure Time Monopoly. and instagram. man what is up with the gram lately? y'know? if it's not the boxing to everyone wanting to suddenly become an airline pilot to balloons and weddings and wedding balloons...

Hilary: *tongue out* fuck it! yuck! i hate the wedding!

no, Phuket. nah i love weddings! they're hopeful.

Codrus: did you do the thing?

Hilary: yes sir. i negotiated the Russian peace treaty all on my blackberry. *ring ring* that me?

the Pope: that's me, dear, remember we switched phones when we fucked. we share the same number now. that was one good schtup. oh may i be excused? i gotta take this, Gaga is complaining again that i stole her identity...

Hilary: love what you've done with the earth! that whole recycling number plot was genius! ingenius! no it was outgenius!

Codrus: well it's good to see someone thinking about the future. of course it was. i invented genius. literally. but did you see the thing i did with the money?

Hilary: *cackle* heehee. finally a good use for coins! but how is this possible?

you mean you never played in an arcade? skipped school and hung out at 7-Eleven? seeing how big my bubblebum bubble got, as big as a ball, and placing that balloon in the tirerack? putting my wad into the slot. we're talking about public phones here...

Codrus: easy. this is a reality that's almost identical to the Earth of the recycling numbers except there's no pi.

the Pope pulls her hair out.

Codrus: no, pi. instead of the eternity of 3.14 dot dot dot your pi is 42. and it's spelled pie.

...yeah it's easy. i'm an open book by now. you all know what i want. i'm a kid at heart. and white soul. and temperament. and speech. and mannersims. and lice. and tics. i'm just a kid from Brooklyn who wanted his red bouncy ball. from that mysterious flaxen-haired woman. that beautiful woman.

Codrus: son it's time for you to go. it's time for me to release you. you see out there on that pasture? that horse over there? it's yours. board it. master it it won't bite. well now you admired that gorgeous creature so much you almost missed the lady on top. ain't nothing noble about that mount! see that beautiful naked woman? she was a concubine of mine back in the day. Godiva. i got to taste her chocolate first. she is the beautiful woman that has your ball now. it passes from beauty to beauty to keep young men virile and chasing. go on. after her and take what's yours.

Bump reaches the saddle in just enough time to see the apparition disappear. Codrus picks him up with his thumb and plants him down on the horse. Codrus laments:

Codrus: *with a handwave* ah, the only good women...

Bump turns around to see Hilary one last time. he already has a look of absolute disgust on his face he never evinced before or since:

Hilary: oh Mickey. that blonde woman who gave you the handball wasn't your mother. she was my mother.

_ - - _ -- _ ---  ---------- ___________ =

at the cottage, the flames are almost upon us all.

Carmen: frickin' Hellfire Club meeting over here! everyone at their stations. everything in its left place. Harfi's out at Haida Gwaii making the last-bit preparations keeping Madchen's large limbs cool in the water as she generates the power needed. Herlina has her head in the cloud forests who knows who she is. and i'm smoking my crystal pipe fashioned form a piece that broke off when i dropped the gem. don't tell Mad she'll get mad. oh Lysander i need to speak with you.

Lysander: yeah not right now lady. i'm making the spaghetti.

Carmen: well that's nice of you. we're starved. what's the problem? can i help?

Lysander: just for me. microwave dinner. frozen meatballs. don't need a microwave can just wave it around in this atmosphere. it's called Banquet but it's not really a festive banquet atmosphere is it? barely two bites for a lonely guy. i'm really frazzled. it's just that i seem useless. i don't do anything.

Carmen: you speak. you talk. you think. you use pretty words. and you have a pretty face. but why did you call the cable guy to come over and install the new boxes today of all days?

Lysander: like i said. what's in your closet? dildos?

Carmen: they're for medical purposes, doctor! they're from Dr. Laura Berman so it's okay!

Lysander: yeah right. mail-order dildos? let's see the face of someone in charge of mail-order dildos!

Carmen shows him the scores on her watch.

Lysander: oh okay she's hot it's okay.

Carmen: why don't you be a dear and make yourself useful and transporter over to where Harfi is working.

at Harfi's work site, the stations are coming together. Madchen is stationary in the middle of the earth extending her arms and legs all over the ends like an ancient octopus repositioning the world's energy for a greater good. Madchen turns around and acknowledges Harfi for the third time today.

Madchen: none of us have a purpose. so we must repurpose.

Harfi: *smiling* yes, mom.

Lysander apparitions in.

Lysander: beam me down, Dottie! whoa! that was wild. what a trip. kinda fucked up. so that's what drugs are. am i at the Village of Beds yet?

Harfi: sir, uh i guess i can call you doc after our travels. you're a little woozy but i need you to focus. the Miss needs to rest her weary arms which stretch cos they're literally like fucking planet-sized limbs covering the globe with her weight rubberbands don't tell her i said she's fat but they need to sleep. i've been dunking her arms in the water with my own strength but you can use this machine i concocted on my blackberry to do it not manually. built it myself using stray metal nuts and bolts found in nature.

Lysander: put that wrench down, missy, i am not good with machines. i will soldier in my own way.

Harfi: and what of all the pizza?

Lysander: i may have lied about my qualifications. i got them all from a nice Indian woman i helped, she'd supply all the it was more like one large circular papadi, papri chaat, she was the wife of a priest...

Harfi:...that's my mom! can you at least make coffee? the machine doubles as a Keurig. they make everything nowadays.

Lysander: that i can do!

Lysander happily gets on his hands and knees but can't seem to find the button.


Jules said...

It’s a matter of taste, indeed. Salt or cheese?

Interesting video.

You are outgenius, my sweet. Oh how you pay attention to so many details here, there and everywhere… and don’t think I don’t notice them all…*)

the late phoenix said...

thank you, my sweet, i try but mostly it's a matter of time.

i'd vote for Rosebud Trump...

i don't know what foods taste like not dipped in salt or slathered in cheese. on the quest for naked food...while naked...