Friday, April 22, 2016



* Julianne Moore: i felt cold, so i put on an olive green velvet robe. i was looking at myself, playing Maude Lebowski on the tv screen.

* skeptic: don't believe it for a second. all coincidence. mass hysteria. see this? it's my favorite plaid shirt. i'm a lumberjack. and you know what they say about lumberjacks.

* corporate man: i dreamt something last night and it came true the next morning. don't worry, i know i look like Christian Bale in American Psycho but it's not what you think.

* woman: i was thinking of my childhood friend i haven't thought about for years and suddenly the phone rings and it's her. i was so excited to talk further about the paranormal but all she was interested in was borrowing a large sum of money from me so the conversation soured.

* scientist: i'm a scientist. i believe in stuff like wormholes and alien life on other planets. but ghosts? i ain't afraid of no ghosts.

* mother: my daughter didn't get on that school bus cos she's a delinquent truant who never goes to school. her antiestablishment streak saved her life. think about it. i am so proud of my daughter, i make sure to tell her that each time i visit her in juvie.

* corporate man: do you know what this means if even some of this unknown stuff is true? it means I AM GOD.

* skeptic: grunge? Nirvana? men with long hair? ridiculous!

* Diet 7 Up, now that's scary.

* narrator: Chicago. a man decides not to get on a flight. the plane crashes. flames everywhere. all dead. there was just something inside of him telling him not to board. it was his growling stomach. he was hungry for Chicago-style pizza which he had never had before. he was in Chicago after all, when would he get this chance again? the pizza was good but it took so long to prepare that by the time it was served it was cold.

* Britain. a woman has a horrible premonition of schoolchildren and coal and death. the woman is deemed a witch by her pastor and banned from her home village forever.

* northern Texas. a UFO is reported in the sky by at least a dozen people using their beautiful oldskool phones with the coil cord. all dismissed by the local sheriff when he discovers one of the callers is Fox Mulder wearing a ten-gallon cowboy hat.

* a mother at her table at her house feels a sharp pain in her right hand. it's her daughter's pain as the daughter touches a hot pan. the daughter attends college on the other side of the country. the mother calls her daughter up on the coil phone to tell her to stop making ramen when the mother is doing the taxes. also, the mother flashes the West Side sign which makes the daughter attending college on the East Coast feel bad.

* a visitor points his divining rod at Stonehenge. JUST THEN suddenly a lightning bolt from the mystical monument strikes the visitor, electrocuting him. when he comes to the visitor is mad he still hasn't found any water. he's also mad that he's just a man and not a visitor from another planet.

* like you, i saw these commercials late at night and they freaked the hell out of me. which begs the question: why was a young boy allowed to stay up so late? this turned me on to Unsolved Mysteries and the rest if history. i may have wet the bed each week but i learned. besides, i always wanted a swimming pool.

* i wish i had ESP. but i don't.



happy weekend. explore the unknown this weekend. the unknown is more interesting than the known.


Jules said...

Who knew that a chicago pizza could save you from meeting the corporate psycho in the sky?

I plan to explore the unknown all weekend. Tis my way. Tis the way of the velvet robe. Happy weekend, my sweet *)

the late phoenix said...

that velvet robe would look better on you, my sweet *)