* Phil: no. no.
Phil turns to the camera.
Phil: parents, teach your children well. don't let them grow up to be assholes.
Peter Pan: that's not cool, Phil, i'm an orphan.
* Peter Pan punches Phil in the gut.
Phil: that's where Captain Hook got me with his hook. crushed my ribcage. still have trouble breathing. join the Lost Boys they said. you were standing right there. why didn't you help?
Peter Pan: Captain Hook is family. every family has that weird uncle.
Phil: i've never once in my entire life felt the urge to shout out motherfucker to someone's face in public until now...
* Peter Pan: Joanne? is that you? you don't look a day over 70.
Joanne: and to think i had a crush on you in 3rd grade. i thought it was cute when you came back from Cub Scouts and pulled my pigtails. i hope you eat bacon and get cancer.
* Peter Pan grabs the shrimp from Tinkerbell.
Peter Pan: don't worry, folks, it's a shrimp orange juice.
* Peter Pan: hey Tink, lay off the chocolate fountain, you're fat.
Tinkerbell: i hope the peanut butter gets stuck on the roof of your mouth................sorry, folks, i tried, but i'm still a Disney character.
* Peter Pan (singing): you make me feel so young...
Phil, Joanne, and Tinkerbell all clap and cheer uproariously.
Phil, Joanne, and Tinkerbell: ya got pipes, kid! bravo! bravo! we take it all back! we knew gingers had souls!
* a wampa bursts out of the Geico ice statue and flings Peter Pan all the way to the set of Peter Pan Live.
Christopher Walken: i'm not drunk. i'm not high. i'm Captain Hook.
Peter Pan: this is the one thing in the entire world that scares me.
the wampa holds up a sign that says December 18th. the wampa and Tinkerbell later marry.
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