Monday, April 6, 2015

TMIT: TAX TROLL









1. are taxies levied where you live? yes, in tropical coconuts

2. do you pay your taxes? yes, everyone has their session with the bridgekeeper, it's a pain like going to the dentist but everyone has to do it. this is what happened at my last appointment:

bridgekeeper: what's your favorite color?
me: black...no, white...it doesn't matter.
bridgekeper: i'll let that slide cos i'm a Michael fan. do you know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
me: yes, i swallow.
bridgekeeper: you may pass.

3. this year will you owe taxes or do you expect a refund? my tax guy is from a neighboring country and we don't get along. i don't see why not, it's quite silly that this little war has been raging for hundreds of years over something we didn't have anything to do with. but tradition is hard to break i suppose. i expect a refund but i just got back from work crusading and i pushed the red button on my answering machine and there were 30 messages all from him saying he farts in my general direction.

4. have you already filed your taxes? it's tough when my tax place is on the other side of a cave guarded by a rabbit. i see that sweet old funky man telling me to get my billions back, America, i want to, but that bunny's got a temper. i approached the bunny to wish it Happy Easter and it immediately went for my neck with its fangs. luckily i was wearing an Archer tactleneck. thanks, Archer.

5. you are getting a refund, how do you splurge? a) pay off those pesky credit cards b) retirement savings c) vacation d) shop

i vacationed this year at Castle Anthrax. the castle was full of Medieval babes. i was about to have an orgy the likes of which had never been seen in the past or hence, one that would be musically commemorated by a minstrel's lute, but then my fellow knight came in and "saved me from peril." i knew i should have picked a different adjective when they were handing out knight names. i am Phoenix the Chaste. i just wanted to get it over with and get outta there but i should have waited in line and held out for Phoenix the One-Man Orgy.

6. sometimes you need to get down and frivolous. what would you do with a windfall and why?
a) big party b) lend it to a friend/family c) live in an adult-only erotic resort the rest of your life d) gamble

i need to go to the hospital, i got injured in battle. i need a second opinion, the first doc told me i had but a flesh wound, but i think it's something more serious.

bonus: if you could be a circus performer, which act would you be? the one that goes through hoops for his client, the one that finds all the loopholes cos i'm not a lawyer, just a good friend, but i need to find the best lawyer for my friend: he's just been arrested for the murder of history.

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4 comments:

Hedone said...

Wow. Um. Yea.

"...him saying he farts in my general direction"

lol, lol, lol

I'm not a huge MP fan but that is funny.

-H

the late phoenix said...

H: the ending of this film is a major copout ;)

Jules said...

Hello Phoenix the chaste.

Who asked these questions? Was it some clandestine fetishist from the Inland Revenue?

I need to see the bridge keeper *)

the late phoenix said...

juli: mah dahlin i went back there just this morning and he wasn't there. there was already a minstrel luting about it and the song said the bridgekeeper flew to his death when he stated his favorite color was cosmic latte. the gods had never heard of that color and registered it as an error *)