Monday, April 20, 2015


i am inspired watching those marijuana millionaires on CNN so for this one day only, i'm gonna blog stoned. just this one day, happy 420 everyone:

1. April 1 is April Fools Day.
a) did you play any April Fools jokes on someone? yes, on myself.
b) were you the victim of an Aprils Fools prank this year? yes, i was mistaken for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
c) what is the best April Fools hoax you've ever pulled?

senior prom everyone got invited but me. i bought an expensive corsage and limo and everything. ended up going to the alternative prom with my cousin Craig but we were the only two there. so, and i hate to admit this but i was a bit miffed, Craig and i spiked the regular prom's punch. i squirted some lemon Mio in there and Craig squirted some root beer Mio. sure it made the otherwise bland punch tastier but it looked disgusting. i never saw Craig after that.

2. what is your favorite unusual or non-traditional holiday to observe? Pretend You're A Turtle The Entire Day Day

3. do you observe any local or unique familial holiday traditions? every Easter Sunday, the lawn gnome in my backyard and i go to Denny's for brunch. i haven't showered in a year but it's okay. the heavy coat i wear hasn't been washed in a year, a grasshopper lives in the pocket. i put the gnome in the front basket of my bicycle and we're off. i don't need to lock my bike, nobody is within a mile radius of my space at any time, it's a good neighborhood. we order the french-toast pancakes and the waitresses and chefs are always so accommodating, never keeping their eyes off us as they take our order and cook. when the lawn gnome cracks a joke, i laugh loudly and then everyone in the room laughs. we feel like movie stars. it's free, the food is always free, we never have to pay. i love my city.

4. April is National Poetry Month. share your favorite poem or write one of your own:

these are the times which try men's bongs
pot poetry is in its infancy
soon everything will be legal
the world will be one big Regal Beagle
and whatever anyone says will not be wrong.

5. April is also Stress Awareness Month. what stresses you on a daily basis? being alive. on this planet. i don't want to live on this planet anymore. i want to live on Vulcan.

6. it's also National Humor Month. name 3 comedians who make you laugh. currently for me,

a) Brad Neely. did you see last night's China, IL apoplectic apocalyptic masterpiece episode "Charlize"? there was also that episode where Pony really liked a cockroach...

b) Eric Andre. Bird Up.

c) Hannibal Buress. humor can broach a serious subject better than anything else.

hey, now that we're in it with the inevitables and the also-rans, no matter what party you subscribe to, when you cast your crucial vote next year, remember there will always only be


7. April 22 is National Jelly Bean Day, how will you celebrate? by being jelly of Daisy, see below.

bonus: April's flower is the daisy. how do you feel about Daisy? that Daisy is a ducker! she stole my man! i was all set to give Donald his new freshly-pressed sailor suit this Easter, i come downstairs and Donald's nowhere to be found, not in the pool as usual. i check my basket and it's filled with rotten eggs. there's a note from Daisy that reads: HAPPY EASTER MOTHERFUCKER. what a foul fowl.



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