Monday, March 17, 2014

TMIT: I'M NOT ALLOWED TO GET DRUNK (TODAY)











no, not 'cause i'm the designated driver, just because it's, well, it's me we're talking about here. people always assume i'm drunk when i start speaking in the way i do, but i assure you, all the wondrous tangents i go off on are sober. i got a green T shirt today. i am loved.

St. Patrick's Day learned:

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* ...too drunk to post...
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1. name a category in which only one product will do (fussy): my K cups for the Keurig machine MUST be Donut Shop, not any other brand. i don't know why. for the life of me, i never taste the donuts in that brew, never. excuse me while i descale...

2. name a category in which you are (fussy) about quality and buy only top-of-the-line brands: this is fun. i'm assuming i have money. remember in the '80s when one of those gray Nintendo video-game cartridges with the railroad-track ridges would be, like, $70.00?! i'd buy it, well, my mom would buy it, and i could brag at the schoolyard that i got Contra first. of course five years later i see that same Contra cartridge in the discount bin for one dollar.

3. name a category in which you will buy whatever product is cheapest: i bought that one-dollar Contra...

4. name a category for which you are unable to find a satisfactory product: i'm STILL trying to find the quickest way to fame. it seems facebook and youtube are quickly dying in favor of instagram, which is essentially a combination of those two.

5. name a product which has disappeared from the market in which you are unable to find a satisfactory substitute: well, back when i was living my magic childhood in the magic '80s, it was just called life. now, it's called nostalgia.

6. name a product that you buy that your mother or father used to buy: baking soda. rich, fluffy shaving cream. a shaving brush made from bristles that fought in WWII. oven, nobody uses the oven anymore. jump rope. nobody fucking jumps rope anymore.

7. name a product you won't buy 'cause moms or pops bought it: sex toys. fucking jump rope broke.

8. name an overrated product: y'know that towel that that guy talks about...on tv...it's supposed to clean up every kind of mess...it didn't clean up my certain kind of mess...

9. name an underrated product: ice, it's never there when you need it and always there when you don't. what's the point of those huge bags of party ice that you can buy at the store? when nobody comes to your party because nobody likes you, you're just gonna be left with a big bag of party water.

bonus: if there is one product you'd reinvent or improve, what is it? the wheel. and where are the flying cars? i'd be told there would be flying cars...

oh, um, you won't be seeing me for awhile, i'm gonna be busy. i just discovered that celebrities have instagrams...

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7 comments:

Juliette said...

I think big bags of party water could be quite fun. I can already think of 3 things.

the late phoenix said...

which are?

the late phoenix said...

the first 2 are obvious...

AtiyaLuv said...

You always make me smile and laugh!
and I agree and down for the flying car!!

Juliette said...

Which are:

* water bombing (obvs)

* Using it as a pillow so you can float into a dream within a dream within a dream..(obvs)

* Taking it to your local chemistry teacher and asking him to change its consistency to something more hallucinogenic. Hooking it up to a mobile drip and staying in bed for the weekend as you visit never never land.

*BONUS: Painting a pretty face on it and calling it Bianca..

* EXTRA BONUS: Shove it up your jumper and take a trip to the Apple store where you stab it and wail "ARRRRR my waters have broken" And you'll get loads of free gadgets and a free ride home in an ambulance. Even better if you're a bloke as it could make you famous.

JustLikeHeaven said...

Big bags of ice goes to waste.

the late phoenix said...

atiya: at least start with a flying magic schoolbus or something.

juli: as long as we don't venture into Old Gregg's waters...

jlh: right?