Monday, March 3, 2014


Oscars learned:

* did you see me on tv last night? at the Oscars? i was one of the dancers up on stage there when Pharrell was performing "Happy." perfect fit, i'm the happiest person in the world.

* good. twitter should stay broken. twitter sucks.

* that explains so much. i've loved cartoons ever since i can remember. it was LSD the whole time.

* you know that thing when celebrities are eating pizza on tv, and you suddenly have a craving for pizza? you imagine the glorious tastes---the hot stringy cheese and the hot crust and the hot tomato sauce and the peppers---and then you realize you don't have any money so you don't get any pizza. eat a can of beans instead...

* WHAT? Jennifer Lawrence is with the dude from Skins again? i thought they had broken up! JLaw and Tony 2gether 4eva? THIS IS CRAZY. THIS IS BLOWING MY MIND.

* Anne Hathaway sparkled, made me dizzy, gave me seizures looking at her twinkling dress. i mean, Anne Hathaway sparkles. she makes me dizzy. she has seized my heart. twinkle twinkle A-list star...Catwoman is who you are.

* by all accounts, Sandra Bullock---or Sandy---is the greatest human being who's ever lived.

* folks, Leo won way back for Gilbert Grape, at least that's the world i want to live in.

* Jared Leto is fucking awesome. what other frontman of a band---a good band mind you---do you know that also has the acting chops to win an Oscar? this is like Kurt Cobain as the Great Gatsby. it's like Daniel Day-Lewis as the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails.

* Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech made me believe in God again. alright? i don't have to explain myself, it just is, if you're a true friend you'll accept the new me.

alright? alright? alright?

...also, i suddenly took up bongo lessons.

* if you're not famous, there's no point to your empty life...

"as God is my witness, i'll never be horny again."

add your twist to these famous movie lines:

1. "i've got a feeling we're not in_______anymore": NEW JERSEY, took a bridge and breathed normally. wait, why would i be in Jersey in the first place? time for some traffic problems...

2. "i love the smell of_____in the morning": CUM, means i still have an active fantasy life if nothing else. or sometimes an unknown peach liquid dribbles out and i get scared about my future.

3. "here's looking at you,______": BITCH! somebody actually said that to me while i was waiting on a Jersey bridge.

4. "you don't understand. i coulda had class, i coulda been a contender, i coulda been______instead of a ______, which is what i am.": i coulda been a BUM instead of a SOMEBODY. i have weird ambitions. i love coulda, don't know why, just do, love typing it, love saying it. btw, this is a brilliant movie, really spoke to me, it lives inside my bones.

5. "may the______be with you.": SCHWARTZ, obviously.

6. "if you______it, he will come.": FUCK, that works on like three levels simultaneously.

bonus: "a census taker once tried to_____me. i ate his_____with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.": he tried to LOVE me, i ate his CUTE LITTLE CENSUS-TAKER MINI PENCIL as a nervous, immediate, bang-bang reaction to his love, got lead poisoning and died loveless.




Juliette said...

Twinkle, twinkle A- list star.. That was cute ;)

All that glitters 'ain't gold, dear Phoenix.

No. I didn't watch the Oscars. I watched Blacklist.

Hedone said...

Just great :) :) => "* folks, Leo won way back for Gilbert Grape, at least that's the world i want to live in."

3. I could def see that happening in Jersey.

5. *blink, blink* ... okaaay?

I did not watch the Oscars. I never do. I much prefer to read your blog for the scintillating synopsis. Thanks for that.


AtiyaLuv said...

may the Schwartz be with you!!


the late phoenix said...


atiya: i need to see that movie again to prep for the new Star Wars films coming out.

the late phoenix said...

juli: "i've got the next name on the Blacklist..."

Sammi said...

Love the post :-)

Happy TMI!

the late phoenix said...

sammi: thanks. and so it seems they listened and Heroes is coming back, just saw the trailer, Reborn in 2015! one down, one to go, we need Lost back.

Anonymous said...

Once again your answers have me thoroughly entertained and LOL'ing. May the Schwartz be with you~!

Missed Periods said...

Don't judge me, but after MM's speech, I was like that was one cracked-out speech, and then the next day while vacuuming I was like I totally get you, McConaughey.

the late phoenix said...

G: thanks. y'know, i hated that movie when i first found out about it 'cause i thought it was disparaging the pure legacy of the greatest space epic of all time, the greatest work of fiction there will ever be. i was a big geek back then.

jenny: one time i was vacuuming and, um, then i huffed up too many vacuum fumes...