* did you see me on tv last night? at the Oscars? i was one of the dancers up on stage there when Pharrell was performing "Happy." perfect fit, i'm the happiest person in the world.
* good. twitter should stay broken. twitter sucks.
* that explains so much. i've loved cartoons ever since i can remember. it was LSD the whole time.
* you know that thing when celebrities are eating pizza on tv, and you suddenly have a craving for pizza? you imagine the glorious tastes---the hot stringy cheese and the hot crust and the hot tomato sauce and the peppers---and then you realize you don't have any money so you don't get any pizza. eat a can of beans instead...
* WHAT? Jennifer Lawrence is with the dude from Skins again? i thought they had broken up! JLaw and Tony 2gether 4eva? THIS IS CRAZY. THIS IS BLOWING MY MIND.
* Anne Hathaway sparkled, made me dizzy, gave me seizures looking at her twinkling dress. i mean, Anne Hathaway sparkles. she makes me dizzy. she has seized my heart. twinkle twinkle A-list star...Catwoman is who you are.
* by all accounts, Sandra Bullock---or Sandy---is the greatest human being who's ever lived.
* folks, Leo won way back for Gilbert Grape, at least that's the world i want to live in.
* Jared Leto is fucking awesome. what other frontman of a band---a good band mind you---do you know that also has the acting chops to win an Oscar? this is like Kurt Cobain as the Great Gatsby. it's like Daniel Day-Lewis as the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails.
* Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech made me believe in God again. alright? i don't have to explain myself, it just is, if you're a true friend you'll accept the new me.
alright? alright? alright?
...also, i suddenly took up bongo lessons.
* if you're not famous, there's no point to your empty life...
"as God is my witness, i'll never be horny again."
add your twist to these famous movie lines:
1. "i've got a feeling we're not in_______anymore": NEW JERSEY, took a bridge and breathed normally. wait, why would i be in Jersey in the first place? time for some traffic problems...
2. "i love the smell of_____in the morning": CUM, means i still have an active fantasy life if nothing else. or sometimes an unknown peach liquid dribbles out and i get scared about my future.
3. "here's looking at you,______": BITCH! somebody actually said that to me while i was waiting on a Jersey bridge.
4. "you don't understand. i coulda had class, i coulda been a contender, i coulda been______instead of a ______, which is what i am.": i coulda been a BUM instead of a SOMEBODY. i have weird ambitions. i love coulda, don't know why, just do, love typing it, love saying it. btw, this is a brilliant movie, really spoke to me, it lives inside my bones.
5. "may the______be with you.": SCHWARTZ, obviously.
6. "if you______it, he will come.": FUCK, that works on like three levels simultaneously.
bonus: "a census taker once tried to_____me. i ate his_____with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.": he tried to LOVE me, i ate his CUTE LITTLE CENSUS-TAKER MINI PENCIL as a nervous, immediate, bang-bang reaction to his love, got lead poisoning and died loveless.
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