Wednesday, March 12, 2014


remember those two babes with the tits in the blue dresses?

"remember the two babes with the tits in the blue dresses?" Lyoto inquired of me.

"uh, yes, vaguely, " i lied. it seems i had come to from a week-long slumber or something.

"they are the getting the key."

"oh, right, the mission," i remembered. "i forgot."

"you forgot? come on, man, this is the only thing that matters. do you have the memory of a flea?"

"worse. between all the busywork i do for college and trying to remember all the words i make up that i want in the dictionary, my mind is pot, and i don't even use pot."

"the Key of Loading," Lyoto pointed to a small crevice on the right-side wall of the altar, "visit the sisters Bechdel to continue your quest."

like Link, i perked up at a quest and made my way to the crevice.

do i? what do i do here? i wondered. "Open Sesame!" i declared loudly as i touched the crack. my shout reverberated violently throughout the roofless church.

"shut up, man," motioned Lyoto wildly at me, "this is a stealth mission. do you want the whole world to know of the secret key?"

maybe i did. then i wouldn't have to work now. i didn't want to work anymore, but i wanted constant excitement in my life.

"do i kiss it? lick it?" i was thinking the slit looked like a vagina. DON'T STOP ME NOW, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, i'm on a roll.

"sure, whatever, we already know who you are, we've seen you in the crowd," one of the babes talked to me. suddenly i was inside a small cramped room with the four tits, i mean, two babes in flowing blue dresses with hair impossibly long and shiny and on the ground, two sisters who looked alike but different. who knows how i got here. i don't remember any door opening, but i was definitely on the other side of the wall, and i definitely didn't see any doorway out.

so, before anything else, i noticed the huge, and i mean huge, breasts of these two lovely ladies. the things were anime-gigantic, luscious, bulging, bouncing beach balls. i tried to look at their eyes, but it was too late, my focus was fixed. i was a stupid nerd, but i was still a man, a stupid ordinary regular man.

Livia: so, before anything else, have you heard of the Bechdel Test, Mr. Phoenix?

me: (no idea how they knew my name, but didn't care. i had heard of this test somewhat but i wanted them to continue teaching me, i wanted to continue being in the room with them) no.

Livia: (lifting her finger at my gaze): uh uh, eyes up here. oh brother, are we still using that tired cliche in this age?

Chera: oh sister! (she said with her tongue sticking out, always ready for wordplay whenever the opportunity presented itself.)

Livia: SPOILERS! (in her best River Song) it's better if the student finds out for himself rather than have another drill it into them. personal experience always beats a boring lecture.

me: (drill? i'd like to...oh never mind.)

Livia: let me just leave you with this. my name is Livia.

Chera: and my name is Chera.

me: *nods in acknowledgment*

Livia: and what are we gonna talk about amongst the three of us again?

me: the location of the Key of Loading.

Livia: i see. (smiles devilishly) and THAT, boy, is how you pass the Bechdel Test! goodbye.

Chera is ready to disappear in a puff of smoke.

me: wait, hold on, what about the key?

Livia: oh yeah, right, my stuff was more important than your stuff right there, thought after my demonstration we could go but...okay, i guess, yeah, there's still time before the next Mass, but hurry, it's Taco Tuesday...tacos, get it? eating tacos, wink wink.

me: (she beat me to it...)

Livia: Phoenix, when you see two lovely creatures such as my sister and myself, you can't see past sex, fucking, cumming, right? we are but simple tools for your masturbation, we are here simply to be your fantasy, we are dolls, plastic playthings, hot bodies meant to satisfy carnal lusts...

me: yes...

Livia:...but never to satisfy intellectual lusts. we are real women, boy, we exist outside of porn, there's a whole other big world out there, Phoenix, the other half, filled with ladies who are clothed all the time and are flesh and blood just like you men. we are human just like you, though our brains are wired differently...some science studies suggest. get to know a girl's...brain, that wondrous new thing. tits and ass get boring after awhile, if you've seen one, you've seen them all.

me: i have feelings more like a woman than a man. men shun me 'cause of this, they won't allow me in locker rooms.

Livia: that's the spirit. talk to women, get inside their heads, not just inside them. we are fascinating creatures, we keep you up at night wondering what the fuck we are thinking about all the time. we behave in a manner that destroys a man's logic. isn't that fun? isn't that what life is all about? spicy. mystery. solving. adventure. life would be boring and staid without our whimsy. it's the rollercoaster ride of love!

me: (thinking back to all of the women who had rejected me): it is fun. (but it was fun). (despite everything, i continued to get out of bed and hope for another chance encounter with this most beautiful of creatures. unicorns and women, the quest went on despite countless failures.) it IS fun. it's like chocolate ice cream, you eat it...and then you...just continue to eat it...forever. where can i find these mythical humans? where do they congregate? where the unicorns are?

Livia: they are everywhere, you just never noticed them before. the next time you have to urge to click on a link, instead of clicking on porn, click on your nearest women's studies class here on campus.

me: i will. i learned something today, and i'm not just saying that like at the end of every episode of tv. i honestly feel like a changed man. i'm not so dirty anymore, i'm becoming a gentleman who can function in polite society. i see your eyes, my dear teachers, i clearly see your eyes.

Livia: you can still look at our tits, i mean, we are fucking hot. y'know, we are basically converted Sirens. the gods upstairs wanted us to be standard Sirens, but we were too smart at the interview and thought the script they gave us was insulting, so in a collaboration we agreed on us presenting to you in this more studious fashion instead. still a man's world even up there with the gods...

me: i hear ya, sister, supernatural glass ceiling.

Livia: so, the Key of Loading. it's not a key you'd expect to find on an adventure, it's a key but not a key. skeleton, gold, keys come in all sizes, shapes, and worths, no purpose is more important than the other, they all serve the adventurer when needed. also, that is not its name, it is its name, but not.

me: gotcha.

Livia: *pause* shop.

and *poof* the real women were gone.

and i was left alone again with my imaginings of women and my clue.




Cheeky Minx said...

Oh... You taunt so brilliantly.

I imagined River Song's sultry tones as Livia's voice the entire time. And I agree with her completely that "life would be boring and staid without our whimsy."

More please... :*

the late phoenix said...

thank you, my darling Cheeky, i really appreciate it. between the hectic time crunch yesterday of both the grocery shopping and getting my new bed, it's a miracle this got thunk up and posted at all. now i have a spring in my step when i wake up instead of an exposed spring in my butt.

Juliette said...

"My eyes are here" Said Livia.

" I've made my choice." Said Phoenix.

The key is a woman. It must be. A woman that will better you, make you think and pierce the slumbers of the dormant parts of your mind (as well as your body of course) yep.

the late phoenix said...

juli: we should just collaborate...on everything, not just stories...forever.

Juliette said...