Monday, January 20, 2014


1. which is better to jump in, a leaf pile or a puddle? omigod, there is nothing more fun than gathering leaves into a big-ass pile and jumping into it headfirst with abandon. not a care in the world. it's the most fun you can have on Earth without a paid ticket. also, i have been accused in the past of being a puddle-jumper...

2. Pictionary or Taboo? taboo, baby, ya feel me?...i'm all about the taboo...i even have my hand over my mouth like the logo for the Taboo game does...that's how much i love you.

3. potato chips or pretzels? i've never gotten the appeal of the ordinary ol' salted potato chip. it's supposed to bring back nostalgia and the American Dream, the American Spirit, homeland, farmland, but everytime i have one, i just crave a nacho-cheese Dorito. i dig pretzels, they're strange and unusual, they're twisted like me, they only live in bars, they're the cool cats you can't find on the streets 'cause they're in da club playing that jazz, or maybe they're playing that street which case, then, yeah, they're on the street.

4. Gatorade or water? Gatorade was developed by scientists in Florida to try to figure out why all the strange happenings and cases-of-the-century and bath salts and stuff, why all that stuff happens only in Florida.

5. popcorn or nachos? i fell in love with popcorn in college, a certain kind of popcorn, when i got a holiday canister of the stuff while at college, it was so tasty because it was sent with love to a me who was struggling with a broken heart and fucking Final essays. it was very specific in its dividing of the three flavors, 3 in all, a half of the regular buttered, a quarter of cheese, and a quarter for caramel. to this day, i can only eat popcorn that's arranged in such a three-part way, a threeway i call it, even in public. fuck Orville microwave popcorn. didn't that guy die in a jacuzzi or something? i like making homemade nachos, get yourself some plain tortilla chips, slide one of those orange-cheese squares over the top of it, and nuke it to hell. yeah, that's how you fuck the system, you don't need movie theaters for your nachos anymore. sorry, i love film, and i realize netflix has killed the movie-theater experience, i was just venting 'cause Tammy fired me from behind the counter at the multiplex 'cause i made a controversial statement that she thought i said i hated all microwaves. clearly not, i only hate microwave popcorn, i use the microwave gladly to nuke the hell outta ma 'chos.

6. Fruit Loops or Captain Crunch? you didn't hear this from me, but do you know how the Captain ascended to the rank of Captain so quickly? he's not qualified at all, he murdered his commanding officer when the two of them were alone on the boat during a night raid. the Captain made it look like an accident...

besides, you know me, i'm a hardcore animal-lover, so i have to side with the Toucan over the crazy human in this instance. whoa, TIL doing research that Fruit Loops now comes with marshmallows! i learn more about this world of ours doing TMIT than i ever did at college.

7. Cheerios or Grape Nuts? three words: hot grape nuts. no, that isn't a sex thing, here's my story: knew a dude named Tab, yes his name was actually Tab and he had golden flowing hair, i guess we became friends, whatever. Tab introduced me to hot grape nuts, he said eating healthy never tasted so good, just drizzle some honey over those grape nuts after you nuke the hell outta them in the microwave. they were good, but one day, i left out the hot grape nuts to cool 'cause i had to buy another microwave. i got back, and the grape nuts in the bowl had congealed into one mound of cold sick mess-ball that looked like expired dog food. the honey on top of it didn't help. i broke up with Tab. later, Tab became my brother-in-law.

8. Hummer or Range Rover? i don't need to click to take the quiz, i got this, i know what having a Hummer says about me: it says i'm a motherfucking pimp. and that time i got a hummer in a Hummer? i went so meta that day my brain well as my penis.

9. rain or snow? why? CLICK HERE FOR MY ANSWER. why? it reminds me of the TMIT snow during the month of December. i always mistake it for asbestos, but by Christmas Day i have fully embraced blog asbestos.

10. wrench or screwdriver? torqued and turned or screwed and fastened together? omigod, that dude in those commercials screws me over, y'know the ones that you can't escape from, they play them 20 times a day, the dude selling you that tool set from Sears? dude, enough, enough, enough with tools from Sears. i dunno, when i think "tools", the first thought that comes to my head is never "Sears." when i think of tools, i think

bonus: if you had to eat one condiment as food, which would it be and why? this is serious. seriously hott. i love my tabasco, can't get enough of it, i spill it over my eggs, french fries, and daily lunchtime soups. people say men use tabasco sauce on everything to prove that they're manly and can take the heat. okay, i'll go with that. i mean, i guess my tongue is just bulletproof or something, i can take the hottest of the hot, i love hot stuff...which is why i love you. whoa, TIL (Today I Learned) that they make a sweet and spicy one, that should be interesting to taste a tabasco that's sweet, hmmm, i dunno about that one, put it on the list, Jeeves, along with the marshmallow Fruit Loops. have you met Jeeves? he's the butler of my McMansion, the same McMansion where i stage all my Tuesday-night orgies that start at 6PM sharp.




AtiyaLuv said...

Always a great read and entertaining...
I dont know why but i always thought that if I drank gatorade I would glow in the dark!!

Happy TMI Phoenix!

the late phoenix said...

atiya: ha, that's cool, yeah, that's probably the case, especially the oddly-blue-colored one, that stuff is definitely radioactive.

Sammi said...

Definitely a good argument for pretzels! I could never do tabasco - my partner puts it on everything but ice cream (and he may have tried that a time or two), but I am a total wimp with hot sauce :-)

Juliette said...

Popcorn annoys me. It smells all nice and inviting and then about a third of the way through you feel like you're eating cardboard and all the bits get stuck in your teeth. Popcorn is a liar.

Hedone said...

Is that you in that Cap'n Crunch get up?

Eww! Since when did Froot Loops come with marshmallows? I remember Lucky Charms had marshmallows. Thanks for the update.

Hahahhaha ...that reverse front-end SUV is ridiculous.

Those grape nuts look heated...yum!

Pretzels are cool. Rods or twists?

For Christmas I got a Popcorn Factory tin of popcorn: cheddar, caramel, and plain (I think it may have been buttered flavor, it was my least favorite).

Blog asbestos...LUV IT! You are so clever.

Tabasco, eh? That's're hot.


the late phoenix said...

juli: i lied for most of my life so i can relate to popcorn. as an actor, i can get paid for lying.

H: i wish / rods in honor of Rod Serling...and my rod/ i own stock in the Popcorn least in my head/ no, YOU'RE hot

the late phoenix said...

sammi: even i have to draw the line at tabasco ice cream...i'm a wimp i guess, but at least i have this blog...