Monday, October 21, 2013

TMIT: SOMETHING SMELLS...ME






1. so it appears i'm at a shotgun wedding. no, i mean, my lover has made a demand on me and my fragile psyche. i'm to lose 10-15 pounds or the wedding is off! should i accept this proposal? no, i'm an internet person but i still have my dignity. oh, who am i kidding? of course i will, i have to, nobody else will ever love me, i have to snatch up the first one who does. i don't even love me anymore. my parents forgot my name one time at a call.

wait, hold up, i'm already skinny as a rail, you guys know that. what's going on here?

is anybody out there?

help!

2. do you do Halloween? costume choice this year? yep. same as always: Santa.

adult swim bumps taught me that Halloween is just Samhain but with slutty costumes and dangerously unwrapped candy. i confirmed this with my priest, who was only too happy to talk with me on the phone for a good hour about it. he also forgot my name by the end of the call. i learn about the world solely through adult swim because i'm a shut-in. don't cry for me. i'm a quarter Argentinian. that's not true, but it sounds like something that could be true, y'know? actually, cry for me, please, i lead a very lonely life. i don't want your sympathy, but i do want your coffee, especially if it's a pumpkin spice latte.

3. you're a blogger, but forget that...thank you, oh thank you SO MUCH! can i have a real life now? oh, sorry, weren't done...in real life are you:

a) an over-sharer who spills the beans...huh? huh? *smiles*...about every single detail of your life to everyone but especially to the Starbucks barista daily?

b) one of those whose sex life is off-limits to those not friends and family?

c) tight as a clam...and you're an extremely private person as well.

well, c) is my best joke, but is the Starbucks barista cute? is she cute? little bit? no? i don't mind. i'm not like that. i just want someone to talk to, i've been banned from all bars, and my therapist is too expensive. she's coming over here! what do i do? what do i say? what does she want from me? she wants to take my order? what does that mean? do we have to get married now? shotgun wedding? PSL? like, what does that stand for? Pussy something? i don't want to be too forward, but...Pussy Sex Love?

i'm now banned from all Starbuckseseseses.

4. men, your significant other has asked to sleep with your cock in her mouth. what do you do? pretty good start for a first draft, but it stills needs the pizza guy and the fluffer who is the pizza guy's secret brother and the real heir to the estate...

nobody else on set wants to play the boyfriend with his cock in the girlfriend's mouth? okay, i guess i'll do it, i'm the auteur writer/director/producer of this piece, might as well be the star as well. everyone must make sacrifices to complete the project, everyone must chip in, porn is art, people, here we go, on 3...1,2,3...and action!

bonus: if you were remembered for one thing, what would it be? i just want to be remembered at all, that is the key to "eternal life". i read Dostoevsky in between takes...of my porn...


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7 comments:

JustLikeHeaven said...

Your answers had me cracking up

AtiyaLuv said...

LMAO!!

I want me one of those cocks! (pic #1)

con amor siempre
A!

the late phoenix said...

JLH: thank you. it's my last gasp at comedy.

atiya: that cock is versatile, like mine. <3

the late phoenix said...

there's a somewhat big white vertical line streaking dead center in the middle of my computer screen...and it won't go away...this is not good...

filledandfooled said...

You make me realize how often I actually laugh out loud when I type "lol". Never. Except you really make me lol. Have you ever seen somebody lol at their laptop, its kind of rare, right?
It makes you wonder what they are looking at. The other person here with me looks at the screen when I laugh, and is like "what the fuck is that!?" except it's in baby talk.
You are funny...just thought I'd say...

the late phoenix said...

G: aw, thanks, that made my day. hey, we rhymed! and with "hey", I rhymed again :)

Juliette said...

Fyodor ...'The Idiot'... making you read inbetween tantalising titbits.