Wednesday, May 29, 2013



click above for #2 of 4

it's so lonely here, so very lonely...but my IPAD MINI saves the boredom. it's a tool, a doorway, a bridge out into the greater world from my cramped four walls. with a touch of a button i see the vistas of Saudi Arabia, the never-before-seen trailer for the new Zelda video game, real-life news pop-cultured into easy-to-remember snarky headlines, and imaginary news, all fanfictions hot off the presses.

it can be my salvation, but it also gets me into trouble. i never type the right thing, i offend without knowing it, sarcasm does not translate well on youtube, trying to be funny can get you canned. there is only so much typing to do, eventually you need to break the allowed-stalker-mode and meet in real life, you must touch and go out for lunch at an airport cafe, talk face to face, let her see your expressions, not your emoticons, the finger you wag as you debate her, not the finger you type with.

without such warmth, humans die, plants die, the interest dies, the world dies.

i am scared, frightened of the future, i see no way through and definitely no way out. i've had doom feelings creep inside me all my life, but the feelings now are new and disturbing, strange in a drug-high way, absurd and depressing and terrifying, they are born of infinite ennui, i see the next 30 years, but they might as well be next week, it's all the same non-motion and directionlessness. if only i could...someone...something...get me out of this rut...take me on vacation...let me see the new, new animals, new insights, new sights, new sites, no more websites, more Earth sites.

there's a sense of "not long now". whatever will happen will happen soon. sure, i can continue pushing the various buttons on my ipad mini, my portal, my escape, stories will be read and written, pictures naughty and otherwise will be seen, i will smile and guffaw again, it's not like i allow myself to be permanently down, if something is funny or sexy, i react to it spontaneously, i haven't lost my humanity completely.

but i need to be involved in a Grand Project, a career, something artistic that will occupy my time forever, that won't allow myself any more free time to fall back once again into that desperate existential rut of which there is no rope to escape with, only a pit of unanswerable questions.

why did i allow myself to dream? it was never gonna happen with her, it never will with anyone. was i destined to be a loner? if so, i suppose i can casually fall back comfortably into the pillows of my destiny. but then, why am i so uncomfortable all the time, so antsy? i need someone, i can't go at it alone, i need someone in my corner to attack the bad times with, otherwise i avoid the bad times, avoid the good times, too, avoid all times and All Time, never try, just sit back and watch others do. those that don't do, teach. i'd rather be a real actor than a troll basement critic who makes a living slamming the real actors because of his unfulfilled dreams of becoming an actor himself, i hate those guys, it's like, just admit you're jealous and get back to auditioning again, yes, you're close to Hollywood going the TMZ route but you're not really a part of the Hollywood scene you really want to be an influence in.

ipad mini, you entertain me, you save me, you get me into trouble, you curse my life, flesh friends from wisp friends, a whole future from one youtube comment, a path from reading an article online from a secret link at the right corner of the page.


check the ESPN tennis scores, Nadal's knees seem to be okay now, Federer's once-unassailable record is now in jeopardy, lifetime goals and dreams and marks are ready to fall, things seemingly clad in iron and steel are about to crumble shockingly and rewrite the rules of permanent records and permanent life attitudes.

not long now...things are about to happen...things are changing...i remain the same.



Kazi G said...

It's so very hard to do that initial push, to defy gravity, to get past that inertia... but once you start rolling it really does get easier.

We are all remaking ourselves constantly. Life is about change. If we do not change, we stagnate. As much as I hate change, I know I must...


~Kazi xxx

Cheeky Minx said...

Is it any consolation that I know how you feel? Because I do; I really do.

I wish I had wiser, more beautiful words, words to dazzle and soothe...

~Minx x

Juliette said...

Hello my sweet Phoenix ;)

It is lonely isn't it. ipads are good like that. Little portable friends that show you the world through a window.

You offend without knowing it? Seriously, I do that. Sarcasm rules over here. My answer to the offended? Get a sense of humour and pull the stick out of your arse :)

Don't be scared of the future. I try and borrow trouble from it but it serves no purpose but to darken my hour. Who knows what tomorrow brings?

You should always dream. Possibilities. That's what we hold on to. Stay there. ;)

the late phoenix said...

kazi: inertia is just the darndest thing...

cheeky: your comment visit is always the bright spot in my week, keep being ya, i really do, it's not just an internet thing.

juli: "borrow trouble", that's so poetic, i love that! yeah, i've only had my ipad mini for a short while, but it already seems like i've always had it by my side, ready to push the buttons ever since i was born.