DONUT DATE: FOR THE LOVE OF PICKLEBALL

 

the morning after at Safeway.

Liza: you stink.

me: really? i'm always the last to know.

Liza: i can smell you from the cash register.

me: i bathe every other day, isn't that enough?

Liza: stagger the days, son. you know? work out your schedule so you land on showering in the morning BEFORE you come see me in the morning.

me: i just can't buy salad at Safeway anymore, you know?

Liza: i know. and it's not because of the E.coli in Seaside. it's because they don't put anchovies in the Caesar-salad kit.

Liza: you know what you have to do to win my heart and see the inside of my duplex.

me: you can't do this to me, old woman!!! this is me we're talking about.

Liza: you gotta join my pickleball club. now we meet four times a week at the local YMCA. you should see how SOAKED my headband gets after a session. 

me: i'm envisioning you in the cutest little lilac trunks.

Paradise Lost: The Lost Bus?!!! seriously?!!!

when we get to the pickleball court, i am seriously underdressed.

Liza: why are you naked? that's supposed to be for my eyes only!!!

me: i refuse to play this sport which is just a hack tennis lawn game.

Liza: it's somehow worse because this is an indoor court. 

me: fine i'll wear this wine-colored jogging suit in honor of John Candy.

Liza: luckily i'm always early and the group hasn't shown up yet.

me: you should have group-chatted on WhatsApp.

me: have you noticed cracks in the pickleball court? symbolic.

Liza: yeah, it reminds me that Safeway is located in the ghetto of Carmel.

me: you said it, sister. i took a diversion on my usual walk path and sauntered up the north road by the gas station, that area is a HAZARD!!! 

Liza: that sidewalk hasn't been fixed and paved-over in 13 years, it's still just a collection of CRAGGY rocks.

me: i stubbed my toe something FIERCE, it's STILL black-and-blue from three weeks ago!!!

Liza: the body heals, it's remarkable like that. especially MY body. i know about you young ones, you're all spacey, you can't afford to be spacey, when you're crossing the street on a busy highway, your EYES better be on the flashing light!!!

a woman with big tits: she wears a black bra.

Stephanie Thurm: it's the 10th anniversary of me being Stephanie Thurm. 

Lee Solomon from KION: are you fucking kidding me? i came back and made my big return for THIS?...

rain: makes drivers of cars suddenly not able to drive a car anymore...

Dorrie Joiner: raise a joint to my memory, life ain't fair...

America Says: foundry, now THAT's a guess...

commercials: it'll be better for you in the long run if your actress is also Spanish-looking...

Kylie Minogue: i REALLY need another hit...

Cilic: i would lose, but i've never been manhandled before.........until Sinner...

Rachel Bilson: ...

Cilic in China: probably not the smartest idea to pull an all-nighter the night before the match. i didn't get ANY sleep, bruh. Beijing be wildin'.

Timber Titans on The Weather Channel: the show is one hour of trees...

ancestors: we talked to real people...

Belva Davis: i'll be honest, my favorite interview in all of my career is still Naked Guy from Berkeley.

Belva Davis: yes i am aware that my name sounds like a digestive breakfast biscuit.

McDonald's: why do we serve those long paper-thin rectangular napkins?...

Toto "Africa": when you just want to kind of get into music generally...

Jen Hatmaker: 1 drunken text is more powerful than 26 years of marriage. I Can't Quit You is not a gay thing, it's for all of us. i started listening to "Strange Love" by Depeche Mode and realized people need to live, you know? one listen of "Personal Jesus" and i left the church and became an atheist.

i call Jen from Liza's phone in Liza's duplex while Liza is taking a shower with bath bombs.

me: sorry about hanging out with another woman this week.

Jen R: no worries, i get it. variety is the spice of life. i am many things to you but i can never be a blonde.

me: why did i have such a special fondness for Don's Plum?

Jen: because it was the real Regal Beagle.

Jen R: this is a very special plot of land for you, right?

me: yes. this Safeway was built on the grounds where the old Safeway used to be. to the left of the OLD Safeway used to be this beautiful tiny indie movie theatre that would only play the most obscure stuff. i saw Being John Malkovich there!!!

Jen: well turn around and take a look because that moviehouse is BACK, baby!!! one afternoon-matinee only. 

me: omg am i dreaming this?

Jen R: oh no, this is very real.

we watch the Da Vinci's Inquest movie The Quality of Life.

me: i can't believe i'm watching THIS in an empty theatre with you and my arm is around you. do you know how HARD it is to see this movie? impossible. it's not even available in Canada. there's not one internet page, one television station, one secret broadcast antenna, one Putlocker, one DVD, one VHS, one LaserDisc from a man in an Amazon trenchcoat in a Toronto alley.

Jen: i don't want this experience to be TOO nostalgic for you, after all you really want to leave Carmel and come to Baltimore, right?

me: can i hug your butt like the old days?

Jen: you know this really should have been called The Quality of Mercy.