DONUT DATE: MILKETTE IN THE DUPLEX

 

Liza: you know those individual servings of coffee cream you get in that tiny cute fluted cup at IHOP and Denny's?

me: milkette.

Liza: oh so you're smart?

me: no but i went to college.

Liza: i bet you didn't notice this: you know when you get a large bottle of CoffeeMate that's original flavor? that stuff is what's in the milkettes!!!

me: oh yeah. milkettes are at cheap motels, too...

me: why is it that when it rains Safeway never has sugar donuts?

Liza: yeah. and the four-pack of Progresso chicken noodle soup is always PERFECTLY BEHIND the Progresso stand-up cardboard display!!!

Jessie Cave: but i can still do the Clan of the Cave Bear remake, right?...

Awakenings.

Robin Williams: Bob, you were LITERALLY chasing skirt there.

Robert De Niro: weren't you a woman for a time?

Leonard: why did the Earthlings allow pollution to poison their planet?

Robin: that is a VERY good question.

periodic table: radiocarbon dates are not the same as dates.

asshole doctor: yes there are 7 cheques, but they're Wells Fargo cheques so they're no good.

Robin: this may be unscientific and more poetic, but i think if my patients are able to fuck, they will be cured. love really does help things along.

Leonard: i'm back. and i'm taking names.

it's a fucking miracle: why this movie is R.

John Heard: remember that Tales from the Darkside episode we did?

Penelope Ann Miller: inside joke...

paisley dress?...

Robin: it's just, i have a special connection with the Natural History Museum...

Julie Kavner: look, let's take a chance and take them to the first-ever '70s strip club.

cocaine: not legalized in America? only in the hospitals?

De Niro: look, i'd really like to fuck you, but i just, i can't be with a girl who puts ketchup on her eggs.

Chad Reynolds: not funny.

Vin Diesel: i lose a watch because i'm a gin-rummy addict? maybe i should leave Hollywood NOW while i still can...

God: love is when a human gets a taste of how it feels to be God, it drives them crazy...

unconscious hostility: you know why you're mad...

De Niro: i am so gonna punch out this rent-a-cop.

De Niro: okay, one time only, just putting it out there: who's the better actor? me or Jack Nicholson.

dad: remember when men would hook their wallet to their front shirtpocket?

Robin Williams: whoa, i looked exactly like Noah Wyle just then.

Lucy: i know it's not 1924, but i need it to be. where is Wilford Brimley when you need him?

Leonard: they talkin' to me?

Robin: let's not start that again, Leonard.

Leonard: oh come on, doc, that camera is RIDICULOUS.

Penelope: i went dancing...

De Niro: you makin' fun of me? i can't control my tics you know.

Penelope: you were already dancing with me...

walking to coffee.

Robin Williams: you know, i've always wanted to fuck Marge Simpson.

Julie Kavner: way to ruin the moment.

at the Pink Dolphin Inn, i'm nervous.

me: Liza, are you nervous?

Liza: do i call you Pat?

me: Patrick, i hate Pat. i've always hated the name Pat.

Liza: it's too pat. 

the two of us are naked in a cheap bed with broken magic fingers.

Jen R in the room adjacent: yeah you can't cuddle in a king-size bed. get a twin bed for optimal cuddling.

i am STRUGGLING. i'm sweating and not in the good way. i'm trying to cum in Liza's mouth but it's taking a long time, it's become a journey of fits and starts. the poor woman is just in the bed waiting there with her mouth open for an hour.

Sixpence None The Richer "There She Goes": the official song of Gilmore Girls...

Jack Tripper: a telephone answering-machine is just like an Atari!!!

3PM: you're tired, hungry, and horny.

being single: spinning your wheels and wasting time...

playing hard-to-get: doesn't work on Instagram...

oven: we're ready to see your butt.

the '70s: all the 40-year-old men have muttonchops...

Jack Tripper: i got Terri and Janet oven mitts with my face on them...

date: the most beautiful word in the English language...

we're still naked in the bed, Smashing Pumpkins "Home" comes out of the system that was once the magic fingers.

me: the talking after, this is my favorite part.

Liza: you know the Irish Spring trick? got a mouse problem in your duplex? they hate the smell of Irish Spring, works for all mice. your duplex will be cleared-out in no time. i tell you this story to say i want you in my duplex. nudging you along. i eventually want to move out of this cheap motel and into my duplex.

me: it won't work with my mouse, Jerry Brown Mouse, he's already made himself at home in my attic. and he's an Irish mouse.

soon we don't notice we're two naked bodies because we're two talking bodies.

Liza: try this. cook ONE crepe for your mom, not TWO. old ladies don't eat as much, they eat small meals, pick at their portions, and skip lunch altogether.

me: that is a game changer!!! 

Liza: think about all the crepes you wasted...