Wednesday, October 4, 2017


Mueller:...we can make this work. you said this was the only place that allows you to keep your skates on after derbying and order cos the booth benches are black.

Ashley: who'd want to take them off? aren't they pretty? the wheels are actual stars. what's up?

Mueller: not my cock. i'm sweating bullets, doll. everybody's putting this tremendous pressure on me to deliver something dramatic. i don't know if it's all there. may stop before the juice. before the seller. or the buyer. i feel very deflated. we need your help.

Ashley: *sigh* did you bring the boy?

Mueller: of course! he and i are joined at the wire.

Ashley: and what are we calling the boy?

Mueller: Junior's fine. what's the scoop, Junior?

Junior: i like ice cream, all flavors. i mean so uh mommy, hi mommy. OJ Simpson was the Vegas shooter.

Ashley: uh, i have to check my notes but i'm pretty sure i can not confirm that.

Mueller: see? we make a great team! you're so pretty in the dark. i love it when you smile for real.

Ashley: i got chipped teeth. that's why i drink a lot. to cover my mouth. buy me a drink, that's what restaurants are for.

Mueller: another one? okay but the taxpayer isn't gonna like this.


at the weather channel Hurricane Jose joins with Hurricane Maria. instead of forming a Super Hurricane they blend and peter out.

Bump: what's the situation?

Goody Paul: Mr. President you're on with us live on live tv.

Bump: doesn't matter. just talk as if this were a private call. there's no privacy anymore.

Goody: they cancelled each other out, sir. all clear. it's just me in the studio. my wife is in the throes of her Wicaan hibernation and my usual partner is in the midst of a sabbatical.

Bump: what happened to her? she was hot. Martina the Rose...

Goody: Maria. a hurricane of unprecented devastation was her namesake. she's experiencing massive survivor's guilt. this really messed her up. she's challenging all her precepts. she can't even squeeze Starbucks anymore her hand shakes too much.

Bump: hey can you move the chyron on your broadcast? i can't see the babes' tits. they accuse me of not knowing where Puerto Rico is, well how can i pay attention to what's on the map when i'm looking at the weathergirl's high heels when she turns around?


at the National Anthem, the baseballs are flying over.

Aaron Tveit: i'm gonna sing the National Anthem now. i want everyone in the stands to join me in singing the National Anthem. you don't have to link anything just sing it, too. you don't have to put your hand on your heart, just don't put your hand on your mouth. i want to hear the whole crowd. i'm gonna sing the National Anthem now.

Tveit starts but he doesn't finish. midway through his spirited Broadway rendition of the Anthem he disappears into thin air.


in the breakroom Maldark is huddled in a corner and nervously takes a sip of his white styrofoam cup.

Maldark: oh that's good. the coffee hitting my throat like a hot snake. my vocal chords are bathed in this elixir of excess. for but a brief breathy moment i can forget...

Kelechi: hello.

this spooks Maldark.

Maldark: *frazzled* what are you doing here?

Kelechi: i work here. i'm the lucky one i guess. i teach the course. get to go outside and drive around. not that my dark skin needs any more color. but the classrooms have mildew from last semester. styrofoam was banned years ago.

Maldark: i was just...

Kelechi: my name is Kelechi. you don't have to drink coffee in this room you know. there are plenty of cups of coffee scattered throughout campus. they're on the chalk ledges, under the students' desks, and when you pull down the projector screen. those plants all around? that's not potting soil they're sitting in. that's coffee grounds.

Maldark: i see. thank you.

and he leaves. but gets blocked by Superintendent Intendo.

Intendo: how you liking it, Mr.? we're gonna do a surprise inspection of your house later this afternoon. i got a friend at the FBI. nothing to worry about, just normal operating procedure. legal formality. safety check. best if you don't show, it's gonna get messy in there.

Maldark: oh. i see. it's a bungalow.

and Maldark leaves.

Maldark: class, hello, my name is i'm hungry. i'm not good with tech. in order to pass this course you're gonna have to get intimate with a car. let's take a look at my beat-up Pinto. as you can see, i haven't driven in ages.

Deen: that's what i said! my old man's Mustang is basically a Pinto.

Less: under the hood, baldie?

Maldark: under the car. what do you see, student?

Less: a system of slithery pipes. skewering rods. serrated metal circles.

Maldark: i see the Sistine Chapel.

Deen: wow. perfect. but why aren't you on your back on a rolling gurney like a proper oily mechanic?

Maldark: because that's a common myth. Michelangelo painted his masterpiece standing up, not on his broken back. take a look at the art on your phone. sorry, i wasn't able to roll down the projector screen.

Less: i see God and his band of angels around him.

Deen: and that famous shaka sign of pointed fingers.

Maldark: look at God again. and the angels surrounding him in a shape. what's that look like to you? it's a brain!

Less: just in time for Halloween. what was gonna be your original opening line for us, Mr. Maldark?

Maldark: society has outcasted us. we are cast in a particularly dim light. we are the failures and the felons and the losers and the crashers. we are not famous and never will be. we are simply the mounting masses. we who live our lives without a name. the rule-breakers and the left-behind. the unspecified, the unknown, the unqualified. well, folks, i will find something that will bind this family together against the world. a project will turn into an idea. an idea will turn into a concept. a concept will turn into a creed. and if we're lucky, a creed will turn into a catharsis. class, there is no place i would rather be than right here right now with you.


Jules said...

God save the Queen. The Queen is dead- long live the King. God save the King - the King is dead - and so it goes. Where’s the saving at, my sweet?

How are we both talking about bald people and cars on the same day? How are you so linked to me?

Your final paragraph brought me to a very emotional state. *)

the late phoenix said...

bald is beautiful, mah dahlin. just ask Krillin and TOM from Toonami. Link is the answer.

yeah, it has that Robin Williams quality to it

love ya *)