Monday, June 6, 2016


1. what tv show do you love to watch but are a little embarrassed about telling friends you simply can't miss an episode? The Bachelor. i'm really into gardening.

i'm seriously excited for this Match Game reboot. even though Alec Baldwin can NEVER hold Gene Rayburn's skinny-mic jock. the thing about that show was you didn't care about the game, you just cared about the details of the party Dawson, Somers, and Reilly went to last night and wished you were a spanish fly on that shag-carpeted wall.

2. what magazine/website is your guilty pleasure to read? the one where the guy has a bullhorn and thinks everything that has ever happened in the world is a conspiracy. i remember our last telephone conversation:

me: even you?
crazy uncle: what?
me: so even you are a conspiracy? the greatest conspiracy of all is the conspiracy that everything's a conspiracy. that is itself a conspiracy.

my crazy uncle stopped giving me a nickel for my birthday after that. mom says i still have to support him. family, yamean?

3. what's the grocery store item you buy but you know you shouldn't? fruits and vegetables. i know their game. i know the real reason they're all shiny and glistening on the stand over there. they're obviously coated with pesticides. i saw those chemtrails in the sky on my way over. you can't fool me, government! CIA=Chemical Inducement Agency

4. tell us something you do at work that you wouldn't want your coworkers knowing? i don't use a hole punch to punch out the little holes on all your timecards, i use my dick.

5. do you have a secret stash? what is it? yes. one hair on my upper lip just below my nose.

bonus: what is your most embarrassing guilty pleasure? Mike Tyson Mysteries. i know i shouldn't, i know about Mike, but for the life of me i can't help it. it's the perfect show.



Jules said...

Your number 2 answer should have been - Jules Smith Blog. Which, incidentally, is also a conspiracy.
Can you remember when I used to answer these? It’s time….

1: There is nothing I feel guilty about since I only watch excellent programmes. However, I am lured by the upcoming West Texas Investors club.

2: The Late Phoenix. It’s a conspiracy. But I’m not guilty, I just like my mind to be stretched.

3: Golden Orio’s. They are basically custard creams. As a current American resident, I come home with the most insane foods just because the conspiracy on the packaging wooed me. However, I’m afraid to eat them. And yes, your fruit is so large I feel insignificant. The water melons are bigger than the world.

4: I talk to myself and I answer myself. I can’t sit still for more than 10 minutes and have to go and talk to the kettle about life strategies.

5: Only in my monkey brain.

6: I can’t say as I might be arrested and used as bait.


the late phoenix said...

those are good. there are Golden Chocolate oreos, fist named Reverse Oreo by the FBI but later changed by the CIA after it focus-tested bad. the CIA and FBI hate each other. there were those Grasshopper cookies, deliciously mint, but they were recalled after real grasshoppers were found in them. the CIA doesn't want you to know this.......the CIA told me to tell you that...*)

Jack and Jill said...

I need to start watching Mike Tyson Mysteries. I generally start watching shows when they're at least two or three seasons in, so I don't fall in love with them only to see them get canceled on a cliffhanger at the end of the first season.

the late phoenix said...

jj: it's 11 minutes of anarchic ambrosia. it'll knock you out with its awkward pauses................sorry bout that last tagline, i can do better...

the late phoenix said...