Monday, August 10, 2015


soy un perdedor...

1. how do you hang your toilet paper? end over the top or end around the back at the bottom? whichever one is the wrong way. but i make sure my toilet paper is always folded into tips for my guests.

2. do you use a new towel each time you bathe or reuse? i've used the same one towel i've had since before i was born. it's older than me. it's the towel my mom used to swaddle me in after my baby baths. my nostalgia is pungent.

3. do you use a washcloth bathing or soap directly onto your body with no washcloth? no washcloths, too fancy for me. you're not supposed to eat the bar of soap, right? it just looks so good.

4. bra removal: arms out of straps, inch around your body, reach and undo clasp OR contort your arms and reacharound and unclasp? contort. i'm nothing if not a contortionist.

5. rinse/prewash all dishes before loading into the dishwasher or just load? i wash my good china plates against the peeking rocks of the creek below my house on stilts the way my ancestors did. the rushing water is nature's spray arm. i have no more plates.

6. breakfast cereal in bowl first then milk or milk first then cereal? mom didn't want to die getting swallowed up in line trying to get a Cabbage Patch doll for me at Toys "R" Us in the '80s, so she got me the next best thing, Cabbage Patch cereal. i had Gremlins cereal after midnight but nothing happened. i had Donkey Kong cereal but i didn't get a girlfriend that looked like the nice lady on the box the next day at school. i tried to tell our playground babysitter i had it bad for her but she was married or something. i was always into older women. i had some E.T. cereal but wasn't allowed to see Michael Jackson. his lyrics were a little too raw or something. the key was the milk. i ate all these cereals without milk on top. the milk is what makes the cereal sing. the milk activates the magic. the Cabbage Patch cereal box is still creepy tho.

7. squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom or the middle or where? squeezed it from the bottom now i'm still at the bottom. mom taught me about that trick of squeezing it from the bottom, there's always more toothpaste in there but people are in too much of a rush, they think there's no more left but there's always tons more left, you just always gotta be squeezing that bottom. i use that philosophy in bed, too. i've had the same one tube of toothpaste since before i was born, there's STILL some more paste at the bottom there.

8. do you put condoms on your lover or does he put it on himself? himself but he insists on making balloon animals with them first.

9. condom disposal: in the garbage bin or flush down the toilet? we gather round the toilet bowl and have an official funeral ceremony like we do with our beloved fish.

bonus: write your own bonus question and tell us in intimate detail about you or one of your habits:

which habit of yours is breaking you? i tend to exaggerate. it's the nature of blogging. i can't help it, i'm a writer, i live in the fantastic, anything to combat the boredom. i'm just an ordinary kid. i just want to be loved and not judged like everyone else. despite how i look i'm just like you. truth is, something did happen to me when i ate the Gremlins cereal after midnight. it's not my fault, why do they call it midnight snack, then, huh? it's confusing. anyway, let's just say that i now have a rad mohawk.



KaziG said...

Awesome...! I was always too afraid to try the Gremlins cereal ;)

~Kazi xxx

the late phoenix said...

hi Kazi! how are you? we'll be alright as long as we follow Gizmo, he's the cute one and the smart one. plus it's for that Gremlins sticker, anything is worth that Gremlins sticker :)

AVY said...

I judge people based on their liking of Seinfeld. True story.

/ Avy

the late phoenix said...

avy: i was such a hardcore Seinfeld fan i even liked the first season.

Jules said...

Do you ever write the questions for TMIT? If so, I'd like to know when it's your go. Maybe I could help.....hehehehe..

Love the bonus question because it's like the truth is raging to escape from you but then suddenly realises it's a bit scary out there so...let's deflect! Love ya, my sweet. And don't stop squeezing from the bottom because that's where the good stuff comes from. *)

Jules said...

....sigh.....*Uncle sigh...* *)

the late phoenix said...

that's an excellent idea, mah dahlin! they're cool people over there at TMIT, they did me a couple of times and i've never felt better or more honored. they're always looking for new voices and batches of questions if you have some you've thought up. go over to and email them to Hedone if you want. that would be so cool to see your questions there one Monday :) *)