* Johnny (drops and wraps his towel around his neck): i'm completely naked here on stage. i'm fucking Method.
* reporter: where did the whole patting-each-other-on-the-butt thing come from?
player: Ancient Roman stolen from Ancient Greek, players back then had notoriously bad eyesight, it was meant to be a high five with the hands. the high five wouldn't be invented until years later by a secret cabal of volleyball players on the crazy west coast...
* reporter: would you consider yourself a baller?
player: too early for that term.
* reporter: where are the other players?
player: i'm the only one. this is the JV.
reporter: do you mind having a woman here with you?
player: i'm shy. normally it's just me and mommy. she'll be here any minute with my juice box and orange slices. wanna carpool? you gotta pay for gas, though, there's an energy crisis.
* reporter: what's the deal with your switch hitter?
player: he bats .400 with the right and .399 with the left. he's an invaluable asset to this team. without him we'd be relegated to JV.
* reporter: i thought golf was the game of inches.
player: i have a small penis.
reporter: it appears you've recovered from your knee operation.
player: yes but that's not the problem.
* reporter: do you appreciate the fans?
player: absolutely. i use their money to get me the drugs i need to continue putting on a show for them.
* reporter: what brand of catcher's mitt is that?
player: that's not a catcher's mitt, it's my face.
reporter: your name is Peewee?
player: they said i was the greatest tee-ball player they had ever seen.
* reporter: where do you want to be traded?
player: anywhere i can expose my talents.
reporter: you're not big but you're known for your speed.
player: yes, i have the record: half a second.
* Betty White enters the shower and drops and flings her towel.
Betty: i'm Method, too.
Johnny: i love acting.
Betty: so why do they call it Head & Shoulders?
Johnny shows her.
Betty: ohhhhh, that's why.
* don't worry, Kermy and Miss Piggy gon be okay. hey, if all else fails: threesome, that's always helped me.
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