Monday, August 31, 2015


recount your sexual biography:

not much to tell really


i was like Garp, i was growing up fast and wanted my initials to mean Totally Sexy, not Totally Shy. but i was a clueless social butterfly cos i was totally shy. i was a social buttershy. the only thing which gave me confidence was trains. i was an expert on trains in my own mind. i would spend the entire day deep in the basement alone with my model trains and my cute tiny little bushes. the cities i created were more alive than the city i lived in.

one day i was wearing my conductor's suit and hat and i pulled the chain and the train whistle blew smoke up my ass. and then Santa (i think that's how he pronounced his name) appeared in the smoke and told me of the legend of the 7 kisses: throughout my life i would be kissed seven times, each one connected to the previous. the seventh person to kiss me would be my soul mate.

* i ate a whole bag of Hershey's kisses one day after school after getting a B+ on a test. it did not make me feel better, i felt sick. Santa told me that that either didn't count as a kiss or it counts as all seven kisses and the game is over.

* my first real one: i was a punk in high school after it was cool. i went to Degrassi. i had blue hair and everyone made fun of me, even the cool teachers. the only soul (clue i missed) who was kind to me was a young woman named Clare. Clare never went to class, she just loitered the halls all day. she was the hall monitor so it was cool. she kissed me on the cheek and told me my blue hair would be cool some day. it took a longass time but finally this new Dragon Ball Z thing is coming soon.

* my third and fourth involve robots. i was really into Terminator and was told i was being set up on a blind date with a female terminator, in an MMORPG. i must have misread the email cos Linda Hamilton, not her, just a random person named Linda Hamilton, was my date. we had a hearty meal of virtual huge unstuffed pasta shells and then i thought i would break the ice with the classic Terminator line, "fuck you, asshole!" she thought i was propositioning her and slapped me. Santa said that counted cos sometimes love hurts. next i was set up with one of those robots in that Bjork "All Is Full of Love" video. i really got into Bjork after that.

* 5th was MY kiss. i kissed my girlfriend named Linda Hamilton, another one, it's a common name.

* 6th: Santa kissed me cos he said he wanted to check something. smoke blew out of my ears upon contact. my ears literally became train whistles. i always thought that was just a thing in cartoons but apparently it's real.

* my final test (or so i thought) was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. i strapped on my proton pack and knew that "kiss" here meant giving that overgrown campfire candy the what for with my stream. but Santa said that's not what it meant and i crossed the streams even though you're not supposed to. i read the initial email wrong, it hadn't finished loading, my damn computer is notoriously slow, the legend is actually SEVENTY kisses. i was done, i didn't have time to be the Wilt Chamberlain of kisses. i donned back my conductor hat and left but i got lost and spent the rest of my life walking in circles on rings.

bonus: have you ever masturbated on public transportation? why? no, that's what private transportation is for. did you know that folks back in the day used to have their own private railroad cars? i saved up my money from my youtube channel and got me one. i had all the privacy in the world in case i ever had to go. cos when you need to go you need to go. but y'know my railroad car was named the Abraham Lincoln so i never had any privacy, a spirit in a stovepipe silk hat sat next to me wanting to tell me a joke all the time under the dining table cover which was gonna be my space.

my friends, to honor the genius of Wes Craven, please watch his Twilight Zone episode "Her Pilgrim Soul." and bring your Yeats book and tissues with you.



Hedone said...

I loved to watch the original Degrassi
I think your Santa was smoking something
Though your bio was way more than 250 words it was worth the read :-)
Your final test was brilliantly funny.


the late phoenix said...

H: wake up in the morning feeling sad and lonely gee I gotta go to school...

yeah Santa smokes candy canes on December 24 just to take the edge off. but then he started to smoke candy canes offseason, too...

Jules said...

You are so funny. I can see through your veneer.

Hee's your 8th kiss X - 8 symbolises infinity so you can have it forever. *)

the late phoenix said...

juli: infinity is 8 after sex on a twin mattress *)