this one goes out to Chris Columbus, not the filmmaker, the other guy, the one who discovered that huge chunk of land everyone thought wasn't there after those other guys did, you were my main man for many years, nowadays you're increasingly becoming a controversial, polarizing figure, folks don't know if we should be celebrating you anymore, but at least for now, you're still giving us that day off of school and work, so if only for that i am eternally grateful. i don't work.
colors symbolize different things to different folks. from your life, tell us about an idea, object, or experience related to each of the colors of the spectrum:
1. red: the color of courage, fierceness, fire, boldness, of going out on Sunday (when you're in the lead) and dominating the field on the links, not letting any fucking sand from any fucking sand trap get in your shorts. well it used to. nowadays i find myself increasingly drinking Jack Nicklaus lemonade-iced tea mix.
2. orange: i have a special affinity with orange, it's always the best flavor of anything, whether we're talking about candy or soda or Doritos. the simple joy of peeling an orange with your hands, breathing in the natural toxic fumes, and letting its juice fall on your lips is what being human is all about. i eat oranges in bed, that's what all the stains on my sheets are.
3. yellow: the color of snow.
4. green: the color of money, of which i have none. also the color of luck, of which i have none. i held a four-leaf clover betwixt my thumb and index finger once, but wind came out of me and blew one of the leaves away.
5. blue: i am always blue. i constantly feel small. oh, i get it now, i'm a Smurf, that's why i have such a hard time every morning reaching the keyboard on the computer desk.
6. violet: i have a distrustful relationship with violet cos it sounds like violent. i just can't bring myself to embrace violet. i like grapes fine, but i'm scared of the entire purple spectrum in general. purple is dark and mysterious, it's the color of royalty, of authority, of not being in control of your own life, of relinquishing power, of not owning your agency. also when i was a kid trying to enjoy my first cheeseburger at McDonald's, Grimace busted through the doors and swiped my fries. he had just gotten fired but i didn't know that, i was just a kid. i still look over my shoulder before i eat fries.
bonus: what is the color of sex? the same as the color of cum and the color of the universe itself, both life-giving entities: a kind of creamy, off-white cosmic latte.
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