Monday, April 14, 2014

TMIT: STAYCATIONS SUCK








1. what mode of transportation do you prefer for vacation? car/bus/train/cruise ship/airplane/other: other. i'm working on something in my garage. don't want to give too much away until i get the patent.

2. what baggage strategy do you use when flying? carry-on only/gate check excess bags/check baggage/ship bags ahead/other: two words: baggage claim. that is such a loaded term. it's fun to wait at the baggage carousel and watch it turn turn turn turn turn. better than my morning meditation. and then you stare at it for so long you start to think every item that passes you by is your luggage. but it's not. it's not. they lost your luggage again. get yourself a large plastic cup of orange juice and a newspaper. orange juice tastes like coffee. newpapers don't exist anymore.

3. what is your accommodation strategy? luxury hotel/bed and breakfast/cheap hotel/motel/stay with family/friends/camping or RV/other: i always play the middleman between my fighting sisters. oh, you mean...let's run these down: i work at a luxury hotel, so i can't stay there. they won't let me have breakfast in bed, so that's out. a cheap hotel is a motel. a cheap motel is the street. because i'm cheap i have no family, friends, or framily. isn't RV the thing with the remote-controlled drones? goths don't camp. well, they can't camp.

4. what world-famous places have you visited on vacation? Disney World? the Louvre? Gettysburg? Yellowstone? Yosemite? Other? the two cities on my bucket list are Tokyo because anime and London because i want to eat at the same McDonald's that the Olympic athletes ate at...

5. where do you really really want to go someday? before the Big Bang, Everything was the size of a marble. i want to go back a second before the Big Bang and be outside of that marble...

6. where would you like to go back to see again? i want to visit my childhood home again. that's where all of my good memories formed, magic '80s childhood and such. it's now a Starbucks.

bonus: have you ever had sex with someone you just met while on vacation? spill: sure, countless times, that sex doesn't count, right? nowadays, i'm trying to cut back on my anonymous sex like Archer from Archer...

bonus bonus: while vacationing, have you ever had sex in a moving car/bus/train/airplane? do tell: train sex is the most elegant of these. Tom Cruise is my hero 'cause he managed to become successful while being 100% crazy. thus, cue that Risky Business scene...

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7 comments:

Fatal said...

Really love your answer to number 5. And the Archer reference!

Happy TMI!

xoxo

Juliette said...

1: I hate flying but it's my preferred method as it takes me far, far away from my reality. Please hurry up and build your time machine Phoenix and then lend it to me.

2: I swallow plastic bags full of Paper Regina and buy all the shit I need when I get there. I've already claimed excess baggage and I don't want anymore.

3: A tree house with a slide.

4: Many. But you can't beat Maccy Dee's in London. I eat there weekly as the burgers are filled with athlete inducing properties.

5: The Mansion in adventure land sans the townsfolk.

6: I have connected with many places that I have revisited or would like to again but I don't think it's just the place but the experience at that time. Who you were then and what you learned from it. You cant recreate those times. However, I'd like to go back to a Turkish beach, when I was 24 and swimming topless in the sea, when some random dude fondled my tits under water. If I went back to that moment I would have a much better retort. It's also very difficult to knee someone in the nuts when underwater and trying to keep hold of your bikini bottoms.

Bonus: No. Meet me on the Orient Express at 5.22 pm on the 17th July. I'll be wearing an essence of doubt, a smidge of excitement and French knickers.

the late phoenix said...

fatal: maybe if Archer had played with marbles as a child...

juli: there is no nobler purpose for time travel than the kneeing of nuts. that's why the Tardis was created in the first place.

Hedone said...

5. Great answer! May I join you?

Happy TMI Tuesday
-H

the late phoenix said...

H: sure. Tyson is hooking me up...Neil deGrasse Mike Tyson.

JustLikeHeaven said...

Well I can't wait to see what you are working on I hope you do a post about it.

the late phoenix said...

jlh: it's a time machine, but on second thought, i think i want a hoover skateboard instead...