1. what religion or faith do you belong to if any? the organized religion of goth atheism
2. what is your opinion of Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays? the War On Christmas started when Luke Skywalker accidentally turned on his lightsaber in a dark empty warehouse where he didn't belong...
3. how do you feel about holiday music on the radio? did that newest Apple ad make you cry? if not, you're not human. "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" gets me dusty every time.
4. when do you start decorating? December 26
5. white lights or multi-colored? oh my babies, i'm all about the multi-, nawmean?
6. gift cards, cash, or actually shopped for presents? my aunt was trampled to death on Black Friday. that didn't happen, but it sounds like something that could have happened...
7. Christmas cards or family update letters? OMG, i hate those family update letters, they are so smarmy and conceited. yes, of course you and your family had the best year ever, no problems at all, you are the perfect family and it's only uphill from here. all those smiles in the group photo are fake and you know it.
well, there is one i yearn to get each year that softens my heart, the one from a family in Australia, the family of the boy who was my best friend in kindergarten before he had to leave, he was everyone's bff in K and the entire class wept miserably on his last day...it's good to hear about his progress in life, he's met a babe and is getting married, i'm happy for him, truly. i pain. i ache. i want the truth. i can't handle the truth.
8. fill in the blank: snow is_______: edible when yellow
9. have you been a good little boy or girl this year? no and i deserve a spanking.
10. favorite old/traditional holiday movie? post-1975 contemporary holiday movie? Family Guy teaches us that A Christmas Story was racist. and then when i found out about A Christmas Story 2, i cried tears that stuck my eyelids frozen to the flagpole.
Christmas Sex bonuses:
what have you done under the mistletoe? drink my own egg nog
have you caught Mommy/Daddy kissing Santa Claus? what happened next? Dad just fuckin' pounded Santa right in the nose, dude got a red nose this time not just from being from the cold North Pole, looked like Rudolph with his cheatin' ass. the divorce was painful and destroyed all our lives forever...
have you had sex in a Santa suit? it's time to Deck Your Halls...
have you had sex with Santa? anal with him was nice and smooth because he's a bowl full of KY Jelly.
just how merry have you made Santa's helpers? i helped them all escape from the slave labor camp otherwise known as "Santa's Workshop." besides, no kid wants a handmade wooden train anymore, just buy the brat an Xbox One/PS4/Business Professional Barbie/virtual train online.
in all the commotion of the breakout, though, Rudolph didn't make it :(
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MERRY______, HAPPY_______, AND A JOYOUS____________TO ALL MY BABIES, FOLLOWERS, SUBSCRIBERS, AND LURKERS OUT THERE. NEXT YEAR WILL BE BETTER, I JUST KNOW IT...I MEAN IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE, RIGHT?