Monday, March 25, 2013

TMIT: THING











what are your five most memorable/amazing sexual moments?:

1) little boy, i discover it for the first time, the thing that will lead me on my epic quest of sexual self-discovery. i name him My Hand...actually my mom already named him that, but i confirmed it.

2) the infamous TV Guide cover, it wasn't Megan Fox or that babe from Firefly or even Helen Mirren. no, my first was some obscure television actress who went on to win two Oscars out of the blue. covered in cum, i knew we had forged a singular bond that would live forever, that would help me when i started to grow pimples.

3) the time when society says one should have their first girlfriend: the two of us would hang back on Friday nights, playing Zelda and contemplating society's rules. normal people told us we were strange and would be committed. i let it all roll off my back like so much water like from that screenshot from the game, y'know the Zelda one, where it's almost all covered in blue, Lake blue, there's just that one spot of land, and you have to somehow maneuver your way onto that land and get the key or open the treasure chest or something...

4) Senior Prom, here we go, everyone who has lived on Earth has one of these experiences, it's the ultimate high-school trope: well, mine was about as sitcom as you could imagine with the smoke bombs and the spiked punch and the first-time fucking and the orgy in the limo with the limo driver getting involved and the cops getting involved and Hand and i playing the latest Zelda game in the basement and even my parents managing to break from their busy work schedule to have a "date" together that night and me feeling really alone and pathetic and...no, still have Hand, it's okay, still have early porn sites where they asked for 10 bucks for five naughty pictures of "Siren", and the foreknowledge that i would blog about this one day and laugh and laugh and laugh.

5) first marriage: she was sweet and kind and a good cook and a freak in bed...and i wanted to break free from the SHACKLES of Hand's spell...but after so many late-nights with Hand, i couldn't, he had a GRIP on me that was UNSHAKEABLE, i tried to HAND him his walking papers and get on with my life, but he was determined to stick a FINGER in all of my IRL plans for happiness i had for myself, i was gonna touch other SKIN. i tried to give him the big THUMB off, the big fuck you, but he's connected to my body, i would be cutting my hand to spite my face, and i still have a somewhat handsome face, so i can't take any more chances.

it's me...and Hand...together forever...regretfully...and the thrill is gone...the cum flows not as freely anymore...not as happy...

scanning for "Hand" got me into a heated internets debate over the character Thing on The Addams Family. that quickly transitioned to a more enjoyable discussion over which goth babe was hotter back in the day, Morticia Addams or Lily Munster. i'm not suddenly in love with gifs now, but that one gif above is simply Morticia's reaction to when she saw MY thing. it's big. i admit that as a kid, i was hardcore Munsters, watched every episode religiously, but i never watched one episode of The Addams Family, it was never on lazy Sunday afternoons on one of the three channels you accessed only by turning the channels knob with your HAND. dunno why that was the case, but because of that, the show didn't exist as far as i was concerned. my brain only recognized its very existence by backpedalling in time after that Addams movie came out, it was a mystery to me, still is. little did i know then that the Munsters were planting the first goth seed into my belly, a sprout which would blossom into the full-fledged Nine Inch Nails Ninja you see typing before you today...

bonus: what is one quality you appreciate in a lover?: when the cock crows, and my cock is rested from the night-before's activities, and i turn around from the fresh white-daisy-scented sheets, and i see a real woman next to me, not a pretty-accurate-and-anatomically-correct-and-functioning-though-still-rubber sex doll covered in love, i take a deep breath and i know i'll be okay, God is in His Heaven and Hand is cooperating.

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9 comments:

Angelwithatwist said...

OH Morticia without a doubt hottest of the two. Period. How did you miss out on them?? I think every guy's first love is his hand, always there, always ready, always reliable..

the late phoenix said...

I blame the tv.

Juliette said...

I can't possibly answer that question because I have way more than 5. I could also go into a detailed description about a rabbit but I dont like being cruel to animals. Particularly those with mechanical ears. I've heard that if you sit on your hand and make it numb the experience is much better.

the late phoenix said...

Juliette: i like my rabbits nostalgic-arrowy like Uncle Wiggly, not in a pot like Fatal Attraction...y'know, i just recently finally got around to seeing that film thanks to the fine folks at netflix...

Ella said...

I honestly and sincerely hope you and your hand remain together forever and ever . . . till death do you part.

xxoo

Missed Periods said...

Thanks a lot. Now I am fixated on hand puns: giving pointers, getting nailed, eating out of the palm of my hand ...

the late phoenix said...

ella: it was an arranged marriage...

Jenny: i see you working with the colon list there. getting nailed you say?

Hedone said...

1. cute

I am glag you stopped trying to rid yourself of HAND, it has served you well.

-H

the late phoenix said...

H: okay, so it's a beneficial arranged marriage, but more so for Hand than for me.