Monday, March 12, 2012
TMIT: MAKE A WISH(LIST)
for a long time i thought i'd be one of those hapless suckers who works for the first place that was brave enough to hire him, out of loyalty works there forever. that was gonna be me and Borders. then Borders closed, and that was the dark day I closed. yeah, i was gonna be that happy guy in the Dominos Pizza commercial, the guy who says how he's bled for the company for so many years. i wanted to bleed, too, bleed for books...nobody reads books anymore, nobody holds the spine of a book in his hands, instead he pushes a button for a digital read...when dreams shatter, when places close, it hits you, hits you hard.
1. who or what is number one on your Top Ten wishlist? let me get out my best David Letterman impression for this Top Ten List...*throws a pencil, glass breaks*...okay, got my tooth gap inserted, and: my number one wish is for a very special video game, one that allows you to permanently enter the game's world forever in order to escape the hellhole that is the real world. yep, you guessed it, i want to be Link from The Legend of Zelda in real life. sure, if i went through with this, my sex life would dry up forever, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to escape the streets...i want to be a Rupee-collecting elf, not a tear-tat-collecting thug
2. name 2 naughty things and 2 more naughty or nice things on your list. naughty: one of those Real Sex Dolls...it's not for me, it's for my, uh, friend...yeah, he was just curious to see how those things work, if they can, y'know, really do EVERYthing. also, a fleshlight, i can't tell you how much email i get, both from spam and friends, telling me that this is a single guy's best tool ever. i've seen the demonstrations, and now i kinda just want to try it...once, only once, i won't get chronic with it or anything...this time, the curiosity is mine, all mine. nice: i want two tickets to take a special woman to a special underground screening of the latest indie film that is getting all the critical acclaim but none of the popular buzz, i'll let her choose the obscure movie. afterwards, how about a gift card to a Borders where we can buy the latest CD from that unknown band who are the next Smashing Pumpkins, yeah, THAT band, the one only the internet bloggers know about still.
3. your order has been mixed up and you receive FIREMAN SAM instead. what do you do? LOOK AT THE BOTTOM PIC UP ABOVE: i wake up...hopefully...but if that doesn't work, i guess i have to make the best of it, it's not exactly living in the Zelda universe, but i have always wanted to be a cartoon or animated in some fashion, just no clay yet, gets in my cracks
4. due to the mix-up, you get yourself a free voucher to enhance your wish list with an accessory? well? actually, strangely enough, i've gotten used to FIREMAN SAM bothering me about not getting my fireman duties done quickly enough, i'd miss the old scamp if i left, so i'm good...oh, but actually a nice LONG fireman's pole is needed for tonight...
5. your best friend arrives at your back door (hee-hee) just as the to-die-for courier arrives at your front door (hee-hee) with your accessory delivery. what do you do?
a) tell your friend to fuck off, the accessory is ALL MINE!
b) let your friend join in on the fun
c) three-way orgy time with the courier!
um, after careful consideration, #c please
bonus: do you have a real wish list in the works? if yes, what's on it? NO!!!...okay, i'll play: i have a real wish list that contains but one solitary wish: daily fuck-fests at my mcmansion...but if i can't have that, i want a real-life Zelda sword...if not that, i want that someone to take to cool, obscure films.
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