SUPER BOWL 47 GAME, ANYONE CAN PLAY

apologies to my Roman Numeral readers, which numeral (number) exactly V. whether it's the Tower of London ravens, or Edgar Poe's ravens, we sports fans can all come together and agree: ravens are cool. my great-to-the-10th-power grandfather was an original 49er gold miner...now that is a lie...well, it could be true, i'm too lazy to look it up, i'm thinking of doing that Ancestry.com thing to shut up those annoying commercials, but i'm afriad what i'll find, that i am distantly related to Charlie Sheen...wait, no, that would be cool...at least for awhile...until i died.

you all know the deal by now, right? predict the score between the Ravens and 49ers in The Big Game this Sunday. the winner of this blog game is the one who firstly correctly predicts the actual winning team when all is said and done on Sunday night AND AND is closest to the actual final score cum Sunday night. check out my entry in the comments section below, it will serve as your ever-present guide. the outright winner of the blog game is granted 3 comments from yours truly onto the various posts at your blog, three comments sprung from my ever-feverish and gelatinous mind...watch out, they could be scintillating, or they could be out there and yet scintillating.

i've been smiling like the Cheshire Cat ever since we learned of the final two teams. if you've been following me all these years (and if so, god bless), you know i have that soft spot for the Ravens, they always come so close to the Big Game but a strangely missed field goal or a stripped bunny catch in the endzone always seems to derail their dreams and that perfect defensive unit's talents fritter away ringless for one more year. i honestly felt bad for this team, so good and yet never the best, bridesmaid sort of thing, i'm getting soft, i'm actually bringing out my feels for spoiled millionaires. on the other side of the ledger, you have the local team for me, the Cali team, well, the good Cali team, the 49ers. all secrets known (Alice In Chains), full disclosure, for me, this is the wrong Cali team, i'm more Raiders if anything. honestly, though, I'm Just Not Into my local teams, like that dating book, which i followed to the letter and am still single. i'll choose the deranged Raiders Black Hole over the clean-cut Niners any day, but i'm more about spitballing Tim Lincecum's ball (and glove) when it comes to local worship. me being the cool Cali kid that i am, i can make that choice, this is Murica, i am free, you are free, free to choose small, medium, or large, i'm free to spray cough spray into my mouth, maybe cough spray laced with my antidepressants for an extra kick...or maybe something stronger, like deer antler, y'know, whatever. the bottom line is that i enjoy these two teams, i can't choose, it's too hard, it's like the mother favoring one Harbaugh brother over the other, she loves them equally, even though one of them is demonically linked to gobble gobble turkey gobble gobble. good times this Super Bowl around, no Patriots perfect season fretting or anything like that, no Hoodie recriminations and Spygate boring press conference excellence, no the rich getting richer, just two good ol' teams keeping it in the family and snot-bubbling each other for a piece of trophy, and wifey ass later...and secret girlfriend ass...and secret boyfriend ass. isn't life grand? good luck, thanks to everyone who will play this blog game, i'm expecting no one to play actually, we'll see how this develops, and i'll join you again Monday with the results. gobble gobble down those chicken wings before they all run out...

.

SSS: CAT SCRATCH FEVER

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above on my first ever ipad mini photo to dig up a new series

let me explain. that fronty pic up there with the glare bar at the bottom is the very first ipad mini pic i took. it was of my lush green garden in my backyard. it's a beautiful wondrous place my backyard garden, the type illustrated in children's fairy tales, with long greenery, yellow flowers, a place so awash in small clovers that one cannot see the brown dirt surface, you can hide in there and think about your imaginings, it's the Secret Garden, the Fairy Garden and everything else. well, the pic i took turned out well, i scrunched myself in the middle of the mini forest, tried to capture a fleeting chirping blue bird but couldn't, and took a nice shot in the middle of the whole thing, it was well-lit and crisp and clear and it showcased those unusual green clover plants with the five leaves that grow alongside the yellow flowers, i wanted my readers to identify the species for me.

lo and behold, i try to copy and paste the pic onto this very here blog post, and apparently, i need an upgraded server, or the server doesn't work with the function of adding pics or something, so i'm screwed, can't post the original pretty pic. somebody help me. instead, i'm sorry, but you get the pic as it's on my ipad mini (which i "love" so much) having to photograph the photograph using my desktop camera. hence, the muddied, gray, paltry image of its former self. one day i will learn...if you teach me.

the second part to all of this is the clicky pic, which shows you the war scars of my new cat, who i definitely love. if he's a scratching pistol with me, his Father, imagine how he'd be when my imaginary girlfriend comes over to play.

did you know that February is A Perfect Circle Month? i know, you didn't, huh? you thought i was going for Black History Month or Cupid's Reckoning. nope, it's an obscure fact, but it is indeed A Perfect Circle Month. see, folks, stick with me for all of your latest Illuminati knowledge updates.

NOW, CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK FOR ANOTHER WOODED SCENE

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY, PLEASE ADD YOUR ENTRY TO THE LINKY TOOL BELOW:

.

TMIT: OPEN YOUR MOUTH...STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE...THAT'S IT...

there are many ways to relieve stress. some take a ten-minute bathroom break to win. others, like me, drink plenty of fluids. whatever combination you use, remember, your sports idols are just people too, they're just trying to get by like you are, the next time your media-contrived images are shattered, reach for some fluids, not the box of beer. i just saw an updated FB pic of a girl i used to know...she was with the new stud blond boyfriend...time for some more fluids in my mouth.

1. describe your or a lover's penis with a movie title: my lover has a penis?

2. describe your or a lover's pussy with a movie title: BACK TO THE FUTURE. y'know the scene where Marty invents the skateboard? see, Marty goes back to the future, becomes a 40-year-old virgin with a skateboard contract who couldn't fulfill the contract when he was young due to his habit of time-traveling all the time, meets a nice quiet woman who loves him for him and not his virgin cock, and the two live off the skateboard money happily ever after. one night Marty mentions to his love that she has a nice pussy...fade to black.

3. describe your last sexual encounter with a song title: SAY IT AIN'T SO...why Weeezer, why u make Dawson sad? why can't i find someone who wants me for me and not my virgin internet memes? memes are funny, but eventually, and i've timed this, the laughter ceases at about the hour mark, then you're stuck without love and real human contact again.

4. describe your body with a song title: YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND, when i see that music video, i always imagine that crazy-as-a-mofo John Mayer is singing it to me, i'm that hot girl in bed with him, except, y'know, i'm not gay so i'm John Mayer in my imaginative retelling of the video, except i'm not as crazy as John Mayer, and THAT, my friends, is saying something!!! yeah, so i'm the guy instead of the girl in the video, John Mayer is the hot babe instead of John Mayer, she's singing to me, and i feel warm and fuzzy inside...and confused.

5. describe your sexual appetite with a song, movie, or book title: LET ME DROWN, Soundgarden's awesome song with the coolest drum sequence ever, hear for it next time you listen to it. yeah, i'm insatiable when it comes to sex. the question is: am i a perv, or just a normal male?

bonus: recommend your favorite sexy, sensual or kinky book: i don't read books anymore, they are read for me by my new ipad mini, my ipad mini has become my only and best friend, he's so tiny, his keyboard is so fucking tiny you have to use the very very very tip of your fingertip to push things on it or you push the wrong link, but it's okay, i've made him a microscopic read-red blanket for him to sleep on next to me at night when i plug his little white wire into him and at the other end i plug it into an outlet and he recharges during the night, he makes that little "heep" sound when the process begins, he shows his green levels, so i know he enjoys that. i'm not gonna go with the obvious Madonna SEX book. okay, i am, i mean, look at ol' nakie Madge there with ICE ICE BABY...that's a time-capsule of the good ol' days, huh? Madonna educating us about fucking, and Vanilla dancing with Ninja Turtles.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

.

BABE OF THE WINTER: MARIA LAROSA...AND HER AZZ

the holidays may be over, but winter isn't. it's fucking cold out here, i have to wear gloves inside, and that makes me look like an idiot, i get very self-conscious, even though there's nobody else here living with me 'cept my new cat. curl up with a Legend of Zelda blanket, wrap it around yourself because you are ashamed to face the world, cover your head, peek through a hole to watch tv, drink homemade hot cider that tastes like socks, and mourn your existence. y'know, certain days are over, certain methods i used for certain situations just aren't cutting it anymore. the days of emptying a large tub of raspberry ice cream whenever Fed lost a giant tennis match are over, i need something stronger now, like cider which tastes like socks dipped in laundry lint. luckily, we cold ones can warm up with a quickness by watching the lovely Maria LaRosa from The Weather Channel warn us of this winter flurry and that winter flurry. oh yeah, they actually started naming winter storms. i mean hurricane names are cool and well-earned, but storms? LE SIGH, maybe, i mean maybe, i suppose i can get used to this, though it just smacks of this world's globally wrong idea of copying every original idea that's good to death and impotency. then again, with names like Athena and that one Harry Potter reference, at least the old toads croaking over at the hurricane center have a sense of pop-culture humor. Maria will heat up even the iciest of hearts with that sublime booty of hers, those luscious breasts, model face, dentist smile, MILF credentials, and her extensive knowledge of weather and weather-related activity. she like a mother wants to care for her viewers, wants to make sure they wear a coat when they go outside in the frosty wind. gaze at her perfectly-coiffed hair, wonder what product she uses and if you can order same product online, and blow a can-see-your-breath-cold kiss to Maria, all of us blow, as she soothes our frenzied and frigid tennis souls:

CLICK HERE FOR A GAM GOURMET

CLICK HERE AS YOU CLUTCH YOUR CLUBS

CLICK HERE FOR A WELCOME SOAKER

.

SSS: POPPY

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above to bury this series in the harsh desert sands.

THEN, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, FOR BLOOD AND NOURISHMENT

Poppy, forgive your son,

you were the kind intellectual,

i am not worthy of your loins,

i turned out the surly atheist

who only doesn't believe 'cause he hasn't found love.

the new cat instinctualized as much, he scratches me with abandon 'cause he has the go-ahead from you and the other angels,

the new pet is the reincarnation of our beloved white Persian who licks and head-motions and twirls into comfort just like the old pet did, everything except licking my nose,

the nose knows, especially with animals,

the new cat takes back his purrs, he offers them sparingly, not before making me see with a bite.

how did my teachers put up with me?, they with jobs and me without a job, two separate beings, two walks of life, two forms, the new cat and the old cat.

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY, PLEASE ADD YOUR ENTRY TO THE LINKY TOOL BELOW:

.

TMIT: MEN GO TO WAR OVER TITS THAT HUGE

thanks for all the well-wishes. i got a new cat the very same day after, drove to the local shelter and snatched him up, a handsome tabby. they say the shelter pets will love you in an especially strong sort of way, with him dealing with abandonment issues and such. so far, during the night, i've gotten my face, neck, fingers, hands, ankles, and toes bitten constantly. he is a wild one, a pistol kitten, but i wouldn't want it any other way. i can't tell you how overjoyed i felt having to clean up god-awful-stinking poo from the litter box again, life is reborn. so yeah, i have bags under my eyes, i will never have a full night's sleep again, but i am a bit joyous again, a tiny bit more joy.

complete each sentence with an anecdote of sexual adventure or misadventure. keep the mis, i never do ordinary adventures:

1. the first time i: loved, i cried...except they were crocodile tears, for i didn't really know then what it meant to truly love...still don't, i mean, how do you really know? is it an ineffable feeling in the pit of your rotten stomach? it's not the perfectly-edited Hollywood-script love, it's messy and hard and fucked, and in the end, it's not real...i like cotton candy.

2. the last time i: had some peace and quiet around here was never. come on, man, who are these gardeners with the noisy blowing leaf machines? why are they working right now at this moment when i'm trying to type here? i know, i should be considerate, i wouldn't want to be doing their backbreaking labor, i should be more considerate, everything's on a timetable, everything in its right place...and time...maybe i'll don the hat and join them for some hedge-trimming. one of them just asked me if i'd like to blow...

3. the only time i: actually fucked someone with all of my passion and thought was the landlord, i stiffed him on May's rent 'cause he spent forever fixing the leak in my roof, i had to study for finals in a virtual SeaWorld not of my own choosing. then we made up, he took me out for a pu pu platter, i met his daughter, and the fun really began after tea, then it was time for a poo poo platter.

4. my best: day will always be better than your best day, i'm watching you, just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you...they wear brimmed hats and overcoats, they look like those Fringe dudes, no i am not watching too much television! a treasured voice once advised me about strange forces in the world controlling me, sending me CIA signals from outer space, i had to wear a specially-molded tinfoil hat that was shaped especially for my noggin by one Fox Mulder. that voice told me that nobody else in the world would believe me, it recruited me into Anonymous and taught me of the New World Order. that voice is a voice inside my head, constantly instructing me not to push the red button, it's the voice right next to the voice of my alternate personality of a fragile ballerina dancer and the voice of my alternate personality where i'm a kid who enjoys fudge a little too much. wanna go out with me some time? like to the bumper cars or something?

5. my worst: day are the days when i have to move on, move on against my will, something happens to me, i curse the Heavens, but at the end of the day, it's always just me again, me alone, walking on the beach barefoot, looking at the gold-plated yachts lining the shore, rocking back and forth in a lullaby rhythm. i pace slowly down the beach, an oversize beach ball in one hand, watered-down beach alcohol in a plastic margarita glass in the other...i wonder whom i'm gonna masturbate to tonight?

bonus: everyone, however much experienced, still has some as-yet-unfulfilled desires to tick the box out of? what are yours? two words: CATFISH INAUGURATION

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

.

I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, FOR A FUNNYMAN GETTING SERIOUS. YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW THIS INCIDENT INFORMS TIM'S VERY UNIQUE SENSE, HIS EXQUISITE ZANY BRAND, OF DADAIST HUMOR.

.

SSS: EULOGY

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above for #3 of 4

DON'T WAIT, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

my cat, my beloved cat, my beautiful baby, a stroke out of the blue, missed

i loved that pussy more than i will ever love a woman's pussy

and that is why i am still single

fuck this shit, this shit is real

do i exist without?

which meaning-laden word should i type next?

i wish i had superpowers

the entire universe is really located in the palm of my hand

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY, PLEASE ADD YOUR ENTRY TO THE LINKY TOOL BELOW:

.

TMIT: UH, YES...I'M FROM CALIFORNIA...I'M NORMAL

HOLLYWOOD! it's so much fun to work in Hollywood! *singing and humming rest of song* oh, yes, my Hollywwod dreams will come true, i won't end up another statistic, mark my words, my writing will make me famous and not another famous statistic. old Hollywood, the glamour, the dames...and, y'know, there's also the porn industry there, too, so...yeah, just in case as a second option.

tons of celebrity sex tapes have been made available to the public, through devious means or otherwise. have you taken a gander at any of these?: Pamela Anderson/Bret Michaels...Paris Hilton and that Solomon kid...Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, the grand-daddy of them all, the Rose Bowl Sex Tape...Kim K and Ray J, the one i so desperately wished had a nice cumshot ending...and Kendra Wilkinson and some lucky dude named Frye's Electronics...have i seen these? all of them? that's like asking if a Smurf's butt is blue. it's me, my babies, it's me, the late phoenix, of course i've seen these, i live and breathe for these.

all about sex photography and video:

1. did you ever pose for pictures of a sexual nature, or photograph a lover? IN-N-OUT BURGER, that famous Cali joint, Monday and Wednesday nights, no charge if you come with the ducketts, out in the parking lot, ROW C-3

2. did you keep said pics private amongst yourselves or did you share the pics with the world? share, yes, the world, no...my cat saw them.

3. did any of them ever get out in public with embarrassing results? let's just say that i am a laughingstock in the feline community, they all know where my pimples lie, i can't go out to buy milk anymore, the milk i use to coax them back to my favor, i leave a little pink saucer of milk by my doorstep, those kitties are so cute when they're lapping up the milk with their little tongues like that.

4. were you ever videotaped having sex? once, in college, all of the good and the bad of my life now stems from my college experience, in case you're new to me here.

5. if so, was the tape ever made public? i suspect a black cat.

6. were you ever photographed or taped without your knowledge? no, i'm pathetic, i just want to be seen as a base sexual object by someone, ANYONE!!!

bonus: post a picture of a body part: DOES NIPPLE COUNT? simply go below to any of my SSS posts at my blog here, click on the front image, and stare at my wondrous nipple for eternity.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

.

FRIDAY FIVE: KNIGHT ON A MARE

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

then, everybody out there, please answer the following questions:

1. what was your favorite part of this episode? why?

2. what was your least favorite part of this presentation here and why?

3. what was to you the most disturbing part of this vid? why?

4. recount in full detail over the course of your life the one nightmare you had that was truly the most disturbing or strange or the one you'll never forget because it was unforgettably surreal or frightening. the wake-up-in-night-sweats-one. shivers.

5. do you find knights in shining armor sexy? how shiny does he have to be? how would you fuck him, armor left on or off? maybe cut a hole in the crotch-area metal and perform a gloryhole-style blowjob? please, enchant me with your medieval tales...

.