VILLAGE COUNCIL: GAVEL

 

Jules Smith is now in charge. she's the head of the village council. me being her eternal right-hand man i do the odds and ends for her riding my Kermit bicycle on the only grass road delivering her pronouncements and missives. 

Jules Smith: do you like being my helper? my assistant?

me: i like being around you at all times.

Jules: look at this big-ass wood gavel!!! that's why i do this, for the gavel.

me: as i was strolling i got the sense that the village was experiencing a collective anger. people are mad.

Jules: we Brits ARE mad. but why so serious?

me: your new initiative for the environment, not exactly popular among the rabble masses. 

Jules: oh they'll come around once they get a load of me, you'll see. i ain't scared of no people, i only fear chocolate on English muffins. if you don't have butter, at least spread with marmalade and cheese. i don't get it, what is there to be in a tiff about? a village has no concerns. everyone has slept with the village blacksmith, their china is set.

me: the term "sleeping with."

Jules: it had to have come from The Canterbury Tales, right? the image of two strangers sleeping in the same box-bed, piously taking a nap together on the straw, no sex, the Medieval Church is watching.

me: i'm stressed.

Jules: have a full-bar Crunch chocolate bar, it calms the frayest nerve.

Carolita Fraley on Match Game '75: imagine Shelley Duvall with blonde hair and she became a Baptist minister because her father Stanley Kubrick was a Satanist...

24 Hour Party People.

Ian Curtis: you're gonna see my humorous side...

Peter Hook: the FUN SIDE of Joy Division.

Icarus: hang-gliding is NOT better than sex. unless it brings the next Zelda game faster.

Jen R and dad: read more.

insurance: still doesn't cover the meaning of death.

Pee-wee Herman: who jumped up first and started the Pogo dance?...

television: the idiot box, and your only friend.

Mr. Tony: nah you don't want to be conceited like Tony Stark. 

if you disappear: you can be a legend longer...

avant-garde New Wave indie spoken-word: give it a chance, all music is bad poetry in the end...

Steve Coogan: we're British men, we have sex with our clothes on.

nothing useless can be truly beautiful: sounds like something Nietzsche would say...

Jen R: remember co-ops at Berkeley?

Buddha: you cannot record silence with a microphone on a hill, only with your heart. 

Joe Downing: put your dirty laundry inside the drumhead!!!

William Butler Yeats: my first bestseller came was when i was 100 years old like Robert Crumb.

3-Day Week: maybe not such a good idea...

epileptic seizure: not spastic. blood in the mouth is new...

Donald Duck: and suddenly this is Babe. i herd sheep, it's the only job i could find after the Navy caught me not wearing any pants.

Jules Smith: loving postcard!!!

Ian Curtis: the town crier was a bit fancy. i'd like to keep this quiet. just get some grey-shirted bloke in an office mailing a letter, that's more urban-decay. 

Pee-wee Herman: the pigeons turned into claymation Playhouse pigeons.

elephant chap: i'm OLD, mate. not a kid. small and old. Ewoks lead depressing lives.

the cost of beauty: if only it was as simple as a Dove bath bar...

Bernard Sumner: yeah so Joy Division was SO depressing we decided to switch to more bright poppy songs...

Tony Hawk: i'm taking my married name so from now on please call me Tony Cobain.

Three's Company: remember when people actually READ at the breakfast table?

Jen R: a medical magazine with your sunny-side-up eggs, that Terri had a good head on her shoulders.

Princess Di: i was the intern doctor in that "Love Butt Tattoo" episode of Three's Company...

van de Zandschulp vs. Mpetshi Perricard: the chair umpire is getting hazard pay with this announcing workout...

Jenny Baranick: peripatetic is not a pathetic word. it just means you haven't found your place in the world yet, you're a permanent nomad.

Mariah Carey: i have a song caked "Without You" and a song called "With You." it's not that i can't make up my mind, it's that Carson Daly was taken.

Erling Haaland: i would have made that header if i had cut off this silly topknot on my head. 

Jules Smith: i've never seen you with your hair let-down and long. relax, big man, let down your hair, you minger.

Erling: i'll need a Ferrari for that.

Vincent van Gogh: i just realized, putting JUST your art on an Instagram page is BORING AS DIRT...

The Wherehouse: your first exposure to music...

Xoe: and your first exposure to a green-haired girl named Xoe who exposed herself to you behind the counter.

Jen R: i'm your dad in female form...

Boomer Esiason: i mean i'm going into the Bengals Hall of Fame and they greet me at the door with a Fun Pack mini-box of Frosted Flakes cereal.

dad: Esiason back...

Boomer: not now, dude.

dad: that's dad.

Goku: we most stop fighting.

Vegeta: but Saiyans RELISH fighting.

Goku: no i mean we must stop arguing...

Brooke Trantor: improve your improv.

Suzy Lu: anybody can be a YouTuber. but you really do need to be hot or it won't go anywhere...

Pippi Longstocking: in Sweden in 2025 parents still let their 8-year-old children out to play. there are no abductions in Sweden, everyone lives on their own grassy hill. how do you think i had all those adventures when i was a kid?!!!

Gavin Newsom: i'm not just here to make some news...

Brett Somers: i was in the very first wig-pulling bitch fight on Jerry Springer with Betty White...

Midwall: REALLY needed this for the Titans...

Jules Smith: listen with me. the wind is starting to rustle at night. we've crossed the midnight threshold. we've had our first Black Moon, which is the second moon we need. the Earthmother is starting to listen to her children, to her lowly souls, the world is starting to cool. a large batch of cold air is coalescing at the poles and is about to be sent on a wave to our village via the moon. the cold is INSIDE the moon!!! LOOK UP!!!

me: that's nice, that'll quench the restless natives. i love how your council table is a roundtable.

Jules: a longtable is too corporate. a roundtable is equal and Arthurian. King Arthur was the first women's-libber.

me: the council members approacheth!!! gird your loins with a Monty Python chastity belt!!! 

Jules lays out one donut at each place by each of the 13 chairs of the council table.

me: i'll lay out if you want, i don't need a chair.

Jules: poppycock!!! i'll protect you from farm demons. it's impossible to be angry when you have a donut in front of you. now remember to place a drop of Tabasco sauce on Mr. Farthington's donut, he likes that sweet heat.