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me: I'M FREE!!! but i'm still stuck.
Melissa Maker: yeah your body is chair-shaped, your body is a giant L.........do i have to do everything here? because you're a loser.
me: yes. so i'm gonna need your help to get me normal.
Melissa: shit. that's gonna take forever. i don't have that time. okay look, here's something i picked up when i was shopping at Kohl's, it's a neck exercise that could screw you loose. SAY yes while shaking your head. SAY no while nodding your head.
me: this is way harder than it looks. this is a true mindfuck, your head and your brain are not meant to work together this way, the mixed signals are frying my synapses.
Melissa: now you know how i felt on our dates.
me: thank you. just place my block-of-ice body on a slant against our marital bed so i can gaze up at the ceiling which is awesomely painted dark purple. you know, this is like the G-Rated version of Boxing Helena...
scrubbing buggles: a Monty Python thing...
Dreamscape.
Christopher Plummer: without nukes, America is Africa!!!
Kate Capshaw: the old lady's having a heart attack!!!
Max von Sydow: see the thing is we never thought this would happen. there's no crash cart in the building. i could rob William Shatner's house for medical supplies.
David Patrick Kelly: let go of me or you'll pull out a stump.
Dennis Quaid, puzzled: what does that mean? your penis is a nub?
Chris: here Tommy, take this cocaine, it'll make you feel like a Bruce Lee ninja.
George Wendt: whaddya mean, i LOVE this clandestine spy stuff!!! okay i'm taking a chance here but i'm removing my St. Louis Cardinals cap and putting on this Montreal Expos cap...
Dennis: X-Files men!!! quick!!! let's pretend we're cheerleaders!!! damn you!!! you killed Norm!!! you canceled Cheers!!!
George: you cannot kill Norm, the spirit of Norm lives on in every entrance...
Dennis: it's a good thing these old Buick Continentals have a backseat footswitch that opens the backdoor...
Kate: president of the stamp club.
Dennis in a phonebooth: i love you.
Kate: let's see if we have a 4th date first.
Dennis: i'm getting you a Yamaha bike for your birthday.
Dennis: hay will not get in my way. my horse pics are so good they were featured in an episode of It's a Living...
Jen R: don't you miss a college campus at night? the QUIET, the grasshopper stridulations, the WIDE grey paths illuminated by ball streetlamps.
Freddy Krueger: that's disgusting, dude. i take Qunol for heart health.
DPK: dream warriors, come out to PLAY-YAY!!! wait, how did you heal from my snakebite?
Dennis: Orihime.
DPK: wait, psychopaths don't say sorry...
Blair: i'm assuming this big-titted woman is not my wife...
conductor: and i do mean TRIP...
Jimmy Connors: a Tuesday tennis final? tennis is weird now.
Gene Rayburn: you should play Mario.
Avery Schreiber with Dorito bits in his mustache: who's Mario?...
Gene: when the contestant guesses the Super Match right by herself rejecting all 3 of the celebrities' answers, she kisses ME!!!
Patti Deutsch: i went to the same mime college as Debralee Scott...
Melissa stays with me in my frozen condition in the room as she flips through a Back-to-School Magazine.
Melissa Maker: tell me your dreams.
me: that is such a corny line. very well. if you must.
Melissa: before you forget.
me: Judge Judy accosts me in the parking lot where they film Match Game '74 and tells me she misses me.
Melissa: you know Judge Judy is my aunt, right? i mean Judge Judy does kind of look like Brett Somers, so i see you working, AI. AI controls our dreams now, right? and the other one?
me: well there was this whole love campaign in Hollywood, these two reality stars were on every magazine cover, Keith and Kerry, they had every single one of their dates at the mall, it was all filmed at the Sherman Oaks Galleria for the American public to consume like rabid dogs. even after having a baby the couple still had all their dates at the mall.
Melissa: all they ate was Gerber's pizza.
me: apparently Kerry was more into it than Keith. now Keith looks like Luke from Luke & Laura but if Luke's perm was straightened. and bald.
Melissa: and Kerry looks like if Susan Sullivan had stayed on It's a Living instead of messing up her hair permanently for Falcon Crest. and a potbelly.
Piccolo: i'm getting too old for this shit.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: but i'm older than the universe.
Madame Pons: there's gotta be a way to gin-up sales of cold cream at LUSH.
Ear Horn: choose a nice witchy name, dearie, call it vanishing cream...
Jan: why do you fall in love with all the chefs?
Nancy Beebe: because they're there. OF COURSE you're gonna fall in love and marry your coworker, who else do you spend time with?!!!
Nietzsche: who else is there? i'm tired of the Paris cafe scene...
Anya Taylor-Joy: see it's fun being an actress and everything, but when you have to play Joni Mitchell, THEN suddenly it gets nerveracking, my heart's in my throat, and i start biting my nails...
energy vampires: we're not goth...
Jen R: me? Barrie Youngfellow? Jan, Jen, oh NOW i get it...
Laraine Newman: i play Barrie Youngfellow in The Ann Jillian Story...
Billy Corgan: i got the title for Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness from the Tales from the Darkside episode "Everybody Needs a Little Love..."
divorced man's refrigerator: empty. one bottle of scotch where the milk should be...
divorced man: the meaning of life is woman.
divorced woman: i'm still picky but i don't want to be alone...
Melissa Maker: okay i gotta run.
me: don't leave me.
Melissa: not in the macro sense, i gotta go to the store to pick up some parsnips and Trader Joe's lemon-lime drink. want anything?
me: i'm getting used to being a statue. i want to hug you and hog you for all your kindness to me but i can only shake your hand with my long flowing beard.
Melissa: i'll take it!!! i've been waiting for our marriage to be this. this is so Robert Crumb.
Robert Crumb: and you thought anything in a Robert Crumb comic couldn't be done live-action...
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