CUTTING YOUR HUSBAND'S BEARD: MY BED IS MY JOB

 

me: why can't life just be me in my bed?

Melissa Maker: with crusted cum?

me: me and all the women i've ever known in my life in my bed.

Melissa: i don't stand corrected.

me: i'm lying down, too. 

Melissa: you wish.

Jen R: if you love someone, let them sleep.

craft service: food craft...

General God: it's about the size of a 1-cent stamp...

Bo Jackson: Bo Know. but did anyone ever bother to make the time to Know Bo?

Rose from The Golden Girls: did you know we were part of Jiggle TV?...

Reccoa: kiss me.

Char Aznable: ...

Reccoa: WITH your sunglasses on.

Reccoa later in her room by herself: i mean DAMN, finally i kiss the unicorn hunk, what was he waiting for? my older-woman wiles don't work on blonds? i don't have time for this shit, we're both older people...

Doan's: it'll still make you sneeze...

Melissa Maker: I REFUSE TO WEAR THE SAME SHIRT TWICE!!! i have a thing with shirts and washing machines...

me: does this machine wash silk pillowcases?

Melissa: but of course, mon frere. shit, i'm supposed to be making your bed LESS appealing.

me: i'll let it go this time because Blissy is so fun to say.

grasshopper stridulation: ASMR...

Jen R: using a toaster as a mirror, now that's old-skool...

Barrie Youngfellow: i married the grocery-gameshow guy.

Sam Snead the golfer: Supermarket Sweep!!! the little woman and i watch every night!!! we can't get into Jeopardy, Alex Trebek's mustache made me sneeze when i went for that 3-foot putt...

"Whom Shall I Send?" song.

I'm the Lord of sea and sky

I have made my people cry...

Lindy Lenz on youtube: i think that song is called "Here I Am, Lord..."

Sarah: stuff in the refrigerator LASTS ONE DAY...

Pati Jinich: BROWN AVOCADOS, not green avocados, those are the ripe avocados. want me to blow your mind at my backyard barbacoa barbecue? you don't need a sunhat in Connecticut. okay i'll give you another one: spaghetti with avocado ain't a Mediterranean dish, it's a Mexican dish!!! in fact it's an Ancient Aztec dish, vato.

Xoxo: the only woman who gets to call me vato is God. leave that rack of unspiced tri-tip in my backpocket and i'll one-up you with this: every pipe in Mexico is an ocarina...

Kurt Cobain: the Seattle Mariners uniforms should be powder-blue...

Olmec: we tamed the Mortal Kombat symbols for Legends of the Hidden Temple...

Mrs. Talbot: i played the wedding organ on the Three's Company series finale...

Jack Tripper: the '80s were the last decade men wore pajamas...

dad wearing pajamas: ...

Larry: and the FIRST decade men cried on camera and admitted they had "feelings" when their best friends left with Vicky.

Vicky: the new "going away for the weekend" in the '70s is "living together" in the '80s...

woman on Match Game '75: you're mesmerized by my long hippie hair and paisley silk shirt. husband, 2 kids, homemaker, yada yada yada. i'm studying theology at San Diego State...

Tremfya: a diner inside a gas station?...

tennis: bring back badminton!!! not pickleball. let there be badminton clubs dotting up all across the American landscape...

Love Story alternate title: Racquetball and Atheism.

i fly up from my bed and scurry around the sky interrupting the clear blue.

me: but you see how i'm flying? the tip of my long flowing beard is like the apex of a plane, this apex is swinging me up down all around from that highest point. it's a very uncomfortable way to fly.

Melissa Maker: your cheekbones must hurt like the motherfucking dickens. and there's no peanuts. well that's a neat trick and all but you still land in your bed in the end so what's the point?

me: exactly.

Melissa: well i'm off.

me: you've never once gotten off during our marriage. where're you going?

Melissa: to my job. i'm a wife, not a miracle worker...