Melissa Maker and i have settled into the mansion in Canada. for a cavernous space, it's quite cozy.
Melissa Maker: like cozy crime. those cozy-mystery shows on PBS where you have to use your noodle to solve them, no swear words, no fighting, no kissing.
me: sounds like our marriage. why am i in a chair?
Melissa: i read in Harper's that the most comfortable place to sleep is a chair, not a bed.
me: i have mattress issues.
three hours go by unaccounted for in my brain, but not my dream brain.
me: i feel like i've slept in this chair. but i'm STUCK!!! i can't get out of this chair!!! it's like my body is MOLDED into the groove of this wood chair!!!
Melissa: that is so '70s. hey can i cut your beard?
me: only with scissors. is this a Jewish ritual?
Melissa: it could be a Tolkien thing. huh, i thought something magical would happen, but the beard just grew back in 5 seconds to its previous long-monk flow.
Violetta Laze: that's because of Violetta Laze flow.
Melissa: and now i have a mess of little bitty HAIR BITS to get out of the carpet!!!
me with Velcro rollers in my beard: i love how i'm one of your girlfriends at the beauty salon.
Melissa: and i'm like, what's the 411, sister? you know? what's your dealio? women are easy: wine, chocolate, roses, that's it.
Micherre Fox drying a pebble under the hair dome: NOBODY has my name...
General Zod: i now kneel before God...
God: your soul is worth a penny, just because you have a penny that's one-storey high, that BIG-ASS penny is still just worth 1 cent.
General Zod wearing a Swinging London shirt: i never wanted to be Superman's father, i never wanted to be a bigshot, i just wanted to be on General Hospital.
Frankie Muniz: i have to drink milk for this Smiths album cover? look at me, i don't drink milk. and i'd rather drive a car than listen to music.
hardly: very hard...
Jenny Baranick: you hit the nail with a hammer hardly, you hit the nail with a hammer with great force...
Dreamscape.
two words: George Wendt.
all together now: if you die in the dream, you die in real life.
Dennis Quaid: Kate Capshaw, let's make a deal: if i don't fuck you, can Steven Spielberg get me a film a year the rest of my life?...
Steven Spielberg: why is the Dreamscape poster the Goonies poster?...
George Romero: it's a 2-hour Tales from the Darkside episode.
George Wendt: i'm an author from Maine, hint hint.
Max von Sydow: i'm not Christopher Plummer...
Com Truise: the VHS special effects tho.
Stanley Kubrick: those 1973 Fantastic Planet color tunnels...
Secretariat at the racetrack: the only time Robert De Niro played an extra...
Suzy Lu: people still wore those tam o' shanters in the '80s?
Dennis Quaid: i'm entering the jockey's room, i'm covering my eyes, i'm covering my eyes...
Dennis wearing a Dream Corp LLC speedo: dating? sorry, Debbie, i'm practicing my sax to be the Tonight Show bandleader. San Francisco in the '80s, drop me off here and leave me forever.
biofeedback machine: only plays the Spinal Tap II soundtrack. don't piss away your talents!!! learn about them.
the President: give me a piece of your mind. feel better? now i have peace of mind. i'm gonna get world peace at the UN by making sure the USSR stays intact...
at the Kiss Me Kate therapy session: Kate Capshaw here. you're a grown man who wears pajamas? why are you having crazy dreams?
patient: besides the '80s cocaine?
Father Navin: that's a new one, a priest in hearts boxer shorts...
Dennis Quaid: should i open this misshapen triangular door?...
father at longtable: little bastard, i wanted a daughter, an heir!!!
Dennis: don't be scared, buddy, it's just Ray Harryhausen animation.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: so that's where the Conan the Barbarian snakehead went. drinks at the Don's Plum lounge!!!
Zalman King: why is there so much white powder in the air in this sex scene?...
Dennis: i didn't enter your sex dream!!! you hear that sax? i'm practicing for The Tonight Show.
Richard Dawson: you know i learned kissing everyone from you.
Gene Rayburn: yeah but i kissed the female celebrities, you kissed the female contestants!!!
Richard: calm down, Gene. the contestants were always more interesting than the celebrities. think of the one that got away.
Gene, haunted: that one woman from San Diego State, pretty but not beautiful, she was different, she wasn't a housewife, she was 20 not 43, and her voice was from the 1990s.
Richard: why was i dubbed the surly sex symbol of daytime television?
Gene: because you're British. when i kissed Joyce Bulifant, i wanted to leave my wife. that kiss, that Joyce Bulifant kiss on the mouth was PURE.
Joyce Bulifant: it's known as mouth magic, Gene. the television audience at home FELT it when i sighed "that's nice" after you kissed me on the mouth...
me: you're my nearest and dearest friend.
Pam Hiltunen: and you do mean NEAREST friend...
Blond Rambo: we couldn't take the godawful relentless NOISE POLLUTION of Carmel Car Week. so Jackie Fitzgerald and i put on our matching pink helmets and motorcycled outta town...
Jackie Fitzgerald: see? he's Catholic.
Dirg: you can FEEL when a girl on the other side of the planet likes your Instagram post.
Laertus: without the Like button...
Talia: cats think their human is their child. i'm your mom. that's why when you start talking to me in a singsong voice, i take it as a juvenile child's blather, i turn my head away from it, i close my eyes to it...
bud vase: a Tennessee Williams/Sylvia Plath vase.
Roger Federer: you're a doctor? i thought i was the only doctor here...
Rollie Wesen: i'm a doctor of food.
Japanese beats: at Darling River...
Pluto TV: WORST INTERFACE EVER.
Suzy Lu: look at the state of me!!!
Steejo: i can't, i'm trapped in the Time Chamber.
Olmec: i just realized, we need ATHLETIC kids to be on Legends of the Hidden Temple, we can't have kids who like donuts, we need kids who like to ride horses!!!
dinosaurs: we come from chicken eggs.
Colonel Sanders: but what came first?
Terrence Malick: i did.
Blue Exorcist: unlike other anime, this show really is a love letter to Japan...
Melissa Maker: wait, i might be able to help. read some Newton's Apple Magazines while you wait.
me: can i throw the Costco Magazines away?
Melissa: the answer to all of life's problems is the dryer ball.
me: not this again.
Melissa: stay with me. please. on this one. not the dryer ball that's a soft grey baseball, the dryer ball that looks like a PUFFERFISH.
me: those spiky blue plastic balls freak me out, and this is coming from a man who likes Japan, Mario, and New Order.
Melissa: remember the spa that we went to? that we wet to?
me: that we enjoyed together.
Melissa wrenches back the spikes of the dryer ball to reveal not a pufferfish but one of those mystic EELS that still does rather good work when not underwater. the eel has just enough magic, which is more than strength, to PRY ME out of my chair.
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