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me: do you know how to get out of anything in life? no money. just say you have no money.
Jen R: brilliant.
me: but it's true in my case.
Jen: okay, you finally pulled my leg enough that i peed. i'll treat you to lunch. BUT all the Chinese restaurants are booked for Christmas.
me: take me out, that's enough.
Jen: the Ford Focus is in the shop, we'll have to take the double-decker bus.
at the shabu-shabu we are blindsided by all the different thin cuts of meat.
me: how many cuts of beef are there in existence?
Jen: why is steak so expensive?
Shamu the whale: better than expensive spaghetti.
Jen: hey Shamu!!! why are you always wet when you see me?
Shamu: hey waiter, no shark-fin soup, Jaws is my best friend from childhood.
Jen: i got a surprise for you, to sprinkle on your salad.
me: CAPERS!!!
Jen: capers are exotic. and instead of boring apple pie for dessert, make it miso pie.
me: this pie belt around the apple pie tho, it's made of pewter and has a buckle.
Jen: yeah it's Medieval, i love it. reminds me of the ONE S&M session i engaged in over at UC Davis.
me: what are you writing on the pie with whipped cream?
Jen: HIS LOSS. this is the pie my friends will give me if you ever dump me. no pressure.
me: do you feel better?
Jen: i'm already consoled.
Jules Smith's wolf Halo: i'm actually a Roman dog. in Ancient Rome BEWARE OF DOG was the friendliest welcome mat you could buy.
William Shakespeare: what do we know about my past?
Ms. Krause: Wouldiwas Shookspeared.
Jenny Baranick: that one got me out of the house. i finally woke up. unfortunately it was after the election. there's more to life than reading wordplay books and making English babies. i'm writing again. i'm writing another book in my head as i talk to you.
me: bring back blogs!!!
Jenny Baranick: if you're not on a blog, are you really alive?
Mr. Furley: why wasn't there a spinoff of MY character?
Jack Tripper: the name of the show: Furley.
Mr. Furley: it would have been successful unlike the other two. me, Ralph Furley, i join the Peace Corps, but my big secret is i'm drunk all the time.
Mr. Roper: did you notice? i break the fourth wall all the time. nobody told me i couldn't do it so i just did it all the time.
KQED: we DEMONSTRATE with a Latin proof that Arthur needs a college season.
babka: fossil bread.
Jen R: don't you wish you had the time to watch EVERY SINGLE PBS documentary?
me: all those Independent Lens PBS documentaries go on to win the Oscar on Oscar Night.
Steven Keaton: PBS is television that MATTERS.
Silverwing: when you miss Gargoyles.
Jules Smith: as a Brit on Thanksgiving Day i eat a big ol' turkey dinner at my dinner table with my newly-reconstituted family just for the fuck of it, to see how the Yanks live!!!
Boc: brother, i go on these morning walks not for healthy exercise, it's to get out of the house...
William Shakespeare: i'm head of the drama boards.
Ms. Krause: at Berkeley?
William: Reddit.
American Pop.
Ralph Bakshi walks alongside the Rock Odyssey float at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Elya Baskin: hell yeah!!! Baskin-Robbins!!!
Tempe Pigott: i did the Leia Buns first.
Billie Dove: Billy Corgan wishes i was his daughter.
Billy Corgan: it's true.
Frankie: you don't take me seriously because i have a Bart Simpson voice.
me: fuck the words? the woods don't matter? that hurts.
Grace Slick: see? you gotta FIND somebody to love.
drummer: come on, man, all music marriages last two weeks.
Tony: i've been sick, man. i got the sniffles. no it's not like that, here's a note from my doctor, he says i have a cold.
Epstein's mother: ...
Epstein's mother: your doctor feelgood. i get it, my doctor feelgood fed me free McDonald's french fries on the beach for a whole year. that whole year i was convinced Epstein's father was a seagull.
Thundarr: that isn't the Queen golem backstage, that is Circe's stone statue!!!
Kevin Costner: everyone shouts in the cornfield when they find out they have a kid.
Jen R: aww, so tender, so loving how he tucks Frankie's arms under the white sheet, Tony really loved her.
Pete's girlfriend: slumming it with the saltines.
Pete: they make excellent piano dampeners.
Elvis: if i had been president of Capitol Records as i should have been, i'd still be alive today.
Johnny Rotten singing "Pretty Vacant": what the fuck happened to my voice?!!! i sound like a girl!!!
Sid Vicious: it's called puberty and your voice breaking, you wazzock.
Johnny Rotten: i thought that only happens when you eat crack.
Bob Seger: hey man, hey Bakshi, continue the story, Pete's kid, "Night Moves" is PERFECT for Vaporwave.
Roy Disney: where's the bathroom?
me playing the harmonica and singing through my tears: I feel so down/ when my friends aren't around
Jen R: i love your mouth. and i love when your mouth is wet.
Richard Gere: TAAAAAKE OOOOON MEEEEE
Pati Jinich: i just realized, Mexicans don't celebrate Thanksgiving!!! any excuse for me to grill my turkey bits on my backyard barbecue i named The Green Egg!!! Wild Turkey bourbon counts. does KFC offer a Thanksgiving turkey?
WKRP Turkey Drop: did you notice? this whole scene is NARRATED, not shown. the power of vibrant storytelling.
Storybook International luter: this is one of the most famous scenes in television history, and it wasn't a scene!!! that is wild. hear hear. pass the mead, nobody wants to listen to stories anymore.
at the docks.
Queen Mary: and why are YOU so spruced up like James Bond this evening? got an air date? are you cheating on me?
Spruce Goose: turns out you're a Scot, not an English rose.
Queen Mary: i'm an Englishwoman, Diana christened me with a bottle she drank after the christening. Mother Goose Vodka?
Spruce Goose: my new war orders. i'm to rescue Jennifer Connelly's bosom from the evil clutches of the Rocketeer. wait, that can't be right, who's on the other side of the radio? is that you, Errol Flynn?
colada: of cola.
John Madden: you loved me, you adored me, only because my bus was a Greyhound.
Melissa Maker: Canadians don't celebrate Thanksgiving. on that day we're just waiting for Black Friday to start.
at Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris.
Ms. Talbott: i cleaned every one of those pipes on that pipe organ WITH MY MOUTH.
Geoff Tate: yeah i don't know, it's fully restored and it feels cheap, they made it modern, all of its Medieval magic is gone, its ancient history of witchcraft cobwebs and fucking high in the rafters has been sanitized.
Ms. Talbott: Geoff, remember me? i took your virginity. i was a much older woman. we did it in the rafters high atop this hallowed church.
Geoff: that was the first time i said the word Alleluia.
Ms. Talbott: and then you gave me your Jordan high-tops. i am Lady Jane from the Queensryche song "Lady Jane."
Geoff: forget this, i'm going back to Round Table Pizza.
Lindy Lenz: i am thankful that Thanksgiving is over. my dishwasher flooded from too much silverware. the only good thing about Thanksgiving is that you don't receive mail that day. and there's a new episode of Check, Please! Bay Area to watch as the perfect excuse to leave the big room to the little room. why am i related to these people? why am i related to any people?
Leslie Sbrocco: my tits are bigger than this ENTIRE turkey.
me: well thank you, Jen Pen. that was a wonderful meal. Japanese food satisfies me like no other food can.
Jen R: you feel like Naruto.
me: how can i feel the savoriness of Japanese food when i'm not in a Japanese restaurant?
Jen: eat Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos.
Jen: let's cuddle.
me: your cuddle is my hope.
Jen: save the spooning for us. that LONG AS THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT ROOM spoon to fish out shrimp from the restaurant aquarium was pretty cool tho. let's cuddle as we watch Pendleton Ward's latest cartoon Mystery Cuddlers.
me: you're the best. you read my mind, which is your mind.
Jen: it's Adventure Time for adults. it's like if Bob Newhart and Suzanne Pleshette watched a cartoon about themselves.
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